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ds 3 keeps being very agressive with me - what should dh do to help

(17 Posts)
tryingherbest Mon 06-Jul-09 21:14:18

ds who was formerly angel keeps kicking and punching me quite hard.

I cannot get anything done and he is good one minute and then just changes.

Other day I was on the phone to my df and he shouted at me to get off the phone and hit me across the face with a racquet sening me and my specs flying. My parents are quite worried as he's usually chilled and fine.

I work but still ensure I give ds lots of my time. dh who is always very tired does NOTHING (I mean nothing) but ds is going throught a daddy's boy stage and I was hoping this would take pressure off me.

I've done naughty corner to no avail.

Today he kept hitting me aroun dbath time. dh refused to intervene. I'm at a complete loss.

I don't want this to be the start of something horrible.

What I would say is that ds routine went out the window and I@m struggling to get it back. We went to mils at easter and his naps were reintroduced (due to their lifestyle) and she came back here to stay in our tiny flat for 6 weeks which was obviously disruptive and the naps hve become entrenched and longer meaning now (with the summer days being so long) he's going to bed at 10.30. He's got bags under his eyes. He wakes at 7 on the dot every morning tired, doesn't want to do anything due to lack of engery but is then bored, needs a nap, you hve to really stimulate him to wake him up after and then he gets properly awake at about 6pm. His whole days seems to be pushed now to early evening.

Not working for me at all as I work and he's at nursery part time.

Tell me how to be diplomatic with my dh who seems to be doing his best to stimulate little one very late - I'm wondering if this is part of his rather diffucult phase. How also do I get my dh to support me when ds is being very horrid to me,.

I'm so taken aback.
and please tell me this is a phase he'll grow out of.

help

gill89 Mon 06-Jul-09 21:21:00

if dh is around when ds hits you; your dh could try completely ignoring his behaviour but go OTT in sympathy and concern for you. giving you lots of TLC but not even making eye contact with ds

ds is doing it for attention so don't give it. wink

mumblechum Mon 06-Jul-09 21:26:08

I know my dh would just have to do The Voice of Disappointment to make ds a quivering jelly at that age.

I think frankly your dh needs to grow a pair.

I don't believe in all this ignoring bad behaviour stuff, tho' I know I'm a dinosaur. Children need to be told very firmly indeed that their behaviour is not acceptable.

tryingherbest Mon 06-Jul-09 21:37:24

I really think that ds doesn't like me?

What should I do about it? I have used the naughty corner but I'm wary about doing it at night when he's clearly tired and I think it might be the issue.

He just won't go to bed - have we now got horrible bed times for the next year.

My job finishes in about two weeks and I'm now quite scaree about being alone 24/7 with him. We're pulling out of his p/t nursery for the summer and he starts state nursery in Sept - I've deliberately chosen afternoon sessions to help him get out of this napping thing and hopefully encourage a better bed time.

What can I do? What kind of discipline. Perhaps I should pull the plug on taking him to the park or another event when he does it? How far should I go.

Till now he's been really chilled and good.

Husband will never go overboard on fake sympathy for me I'm afraid - our parenting styles are very different. I encourage and reward good behaviour. dh as he's tired and a generally lazy person lets ds do what he wants and sets no boundaries - the first ds will know of it is when dh gets pissed off and then he'll just shout at him. I don't shout as ds as I don't feel the need and ds has quite good reasoning skills and I'd rather tap into that.

Aggh - I feel at a complete loss of what to do!

BottySpottom Mon 06-Jul-09 22:13:42

I'm afraid I am going to contradict everyone else, as I don't think you should ignore your DS. I think he is angry with you and trying to tell you that.

How are you talking to him afterwards? Just disciplining him, or trying to get to the bottom of it. I would try naming what you think he is feeling as he's probably unable to put it into words. For instance 'I can see you are cross and angry with Mummy, I wish I could make things better for you'. Once he has heard it acknowledged a few times, he may well stop feeling the need to beat you up!

As for why - he could be sensing the tension between you and your DH over parenting styles. Does he hear you argue or nag? if he is a Daddy's boy, he could be feeling bad that he sees you being negative in this way. Or, think about when it happens; is it when you are trying to put him to bed? giving your attention elsewhere? if it was while you were on the phone, he could be telling you he wants your attention, in which case you could respond with 'I can see you are angry with Mummy because she is on the phone, but that is naughty and it really hurt Mummy's head. I wish I could play with you all the time, but sometimes mummies have jobs to do and people to call ...'.

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk is a good book for this type of thing.

CarGirl Mon 06-Jul-09 22:18:41

it sounds like there has been a lot of change recently and there is about to be more.....he is probably picking up on all of that and it's making him feel worried/insecure/frightened.

Agree with Botty too x

tryingherbest Mon 06-Jul-09 22:27:12

Bottyspotto

You are right in that there are tensions at home.

I do my very best to cover over them. I don't nag my dh - I wouldn't dare to be honest.

I talk and include my dh and he ignores me and I ignore the ignoring for ds sake.

I think he has picked up on stuff - he has said to me that daddy doesn't like mummy as he shouts her her. I don't respond as I'm not sure what to do for the best.

It's not that bad hear.

V. happy that he loves his daddy - just very concerned at the stuff ds is levelling at me. It might be a phase (I've had it very easy up till now -possibly too easy), ds says he's bored of nursery and prefers to spend time at home with me. I find that odd as I'd think nursery would be much much more fun but I do do alot with ds to entertain him - ensure he's got lots of fund things to do with me - new expereinces etc. He misses his dad as dad isn't around that much - we've spent 10 whole days together in the last three years - could be part of it. I think long summer days is part of the difficulties getting him to bed - I think that the fact that my mil dominates my dh to an apalling degree and lobbies him constantly about ds is part of it (she's from a different country and culture and doesn't like me).

However, cutting through all that I want ds to be well rested to ensure he can be the best he can be. I want him to be respectful as a three year old can be with others but I also don't really want to be hit and punched.

I don't nag, I don't shout, I'm also no pushover. I will however, ask my lkittle one moreabout what he's feeling - I do lots for him but I also need to get housework, admin and work done.

I'm not negative with my dh - he is- and to ensure a good atmosphere I let it slid over me. That's what I do and I think I'm good at it.

I'm positive and energetic with in what I do.

I've read the book - I communicate well with ds but this has really winded me. He knows full well that mummy and daddy love him all the time, even when we're tired or he's being naughty. He knows and acknowledges this.

What else should I do - I'm really hoping it's a phase - possibly delayed terribles two sthat he just didn't have - tired and long summer days and he doesn't want to sleep.

When he's not hitting etc - he's being a really fun normal little kid with me.

tryingherbest Mon 06-Jul-09 22:32:34

And my grammar and spelling are the pits right now - this is really getting to me!

tryingherbest Mon 06-Jul-09 22:37:24

Oh and I should add this tends to be arounden bath / bed time.

We live in a small flat and when mil was here he didn't want to sleep as he felt he was missing out - we've got into bad habits about falling asleep in the living room with everyone there rather than in the bed - lots to do with this.

Tonight dh put him to bed - there was lots of naughtiness and tears but no hitting. The tears are new.

daisy99divine Mon 06-Jul-09 22:38:18

I agree with Botty, I don't think you should punish the behaviour - I don't mean you should totally ignore it, but understand what is behind the behaviour - address the behaviour alone and you simply get compliance not necessarily an understanding of what provokes the behaviour nor you or your DS learning how he (and you) can cope with feelings or emotions that are presently being expressed by this behaviour

It is the underlying factor that leads to the behaviour that you want to understand and address, no?

AS well as "How to talk" hvae a look at "Unconditional Love" which I think is fascinating - love your children for themselves not train their behaviour like puppoes

Not practical help, but help I hope
good Luck!

evaangel2 Mon 06-Jul-09 22:45:57

I am going through a similar stage with ds who is 3, he bites and kicks me, tbh you need the full support of your dh...atm we send ds to his room to think about his behaviour...I do not believe in ignoring all bad behaviour, we also insist on "Sorry" , this is a battle of wills and results in tantrums at times, it is starting to be effective, I think it is also wise to make them realize that hitting you is not acceptable.

good luck

tryingherbest Mon 06-Jul-09 22:48:49

Yep, sounds like a plan - no naughty corner for that type of thing (naughty corner has been used about 6 times in his life since a toddler and never when he's tired).

I think he has picked up on the fact that mummy and daddy are never together (due to our working patterns) and that daddy is a bit shouty and perhaps I do too much and make myself a bit slave like.

Lots of changes coming up - mainly positive - he keeps saying he very very bored of current nursery and he wants new people - well he's going to the new nursery in Sept and it's attached the school he's probably going to. I will be home more which will give me more 'quality' time with him.

I can get the sleeping sorted out better.

Yep, I love him to bits and want to understand what's going on in that head of his - he's a real bundle of fun but I know he's not as confident as he appears to others.

Will get unconditional love - need a good read!

tryingherbest Mon 06-Jul-09 22:50:29

Evaangel - I agree it can't go unchecked - and yes, dh does need to support me but he doesn't really know how - he just wants a quiet life - he doesn't hit anyone else.

Relieved it's not only me!

evaangel2 Mon 06-Jul-09 23:04:38

Even dh & I disagree on parenting issues..I am the softer one
but we have stood togethter on this issue
Ds is beginning to realize the recognition between good and not so good behaviour, also when he has said "Sorry" then he has big cuddles
I am not saying that everyone will agree with this stance but this has been effective for us and the hitting is very few and far between now.

evaangel2 Mon 06-Jul-09 23:07:17

Also I find that tiredness results in his behaviour at times

daisy99divine Tue 07-Jul-09 00:21:32

oh yes, tiredness is a killer, and lets face it, its when you are tired too. My fise is shorter at bed time because I want supper too! So perhaps part of his behaviouris not knowing how to manage tiredness iyswim?

good luck!

BottySpottom Tue 07-Jul-09 10:45:37

' I wouldn't dare to be honest' - this bit about your DH, and his shouting worries me. If you 'wouldn't dare', your DS could be a bit scared and taking it out on you because he isn't scared of you and knows he can.

He might not like nursery because he is worried about you and if you are OK (re DH).

You poor thing - your MIL sounds a real pain and it sounds as though your Dh and MIL are the cause of the problem while you are trying bravely to carry on. Is there anything you can do to keep the MIL out of it and get your DH to realise that unless your relationship changes for the better he is impacting on your son?

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