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Still don't feel that massive maternal love for ds after 6 months. Is this normal?

(20 Posts)
munchkinpoppet Fri 03-Jul-09 09:54:43

He is a lovely lovely baby and I'm very proud of him but I never wanted to have children. He was an accident and I'm worried that I'm not a natural mother and will never love him the way he deserves. I think I do a good job with him and don't think anyone could tell but it's hard when people say how they can't believe how they can love there dcs so much and I'm not there yet.

mrsmortenharket Fri 03-Jul-09 09:58:03

perfectly normal munchkinpoppet smile
i have only just started to feel as tho i have bonded to any extent with dd and she's 4(+2.5mths). sometimes i think she woul dbe better off being with her dad but i get over that pretty quick lol. seriously tho, it was quite a while before i even stopped feeling as tho i wa sjust on a long babysitting job for someone else

EyeballsandherSunburntNorks Fri 03-Jul-09 09:59:35

It takes time, really. People say it but I don't think it sinks in how much time. It's a huge change for a start and just like anybody else, you have to get to know this person who has landed in the middle of your world and taken it over. I remember feeling like someone had just handed me dd to look after. I wanted the best for her, and did everything in my power to make sure she was well looked after and safe, secure and 'loved' but I wasn't there yet. Now she's nearly 18 months and I am there. You will get there, I promise but you can't judge yourself by other people. It will take its own time and you won't even notice it happening.

munchkinpoppet Fri 03-Jul-09 10:07:11

Thank you, thank you! I feel so relieved to know it's normal. I just feel so guilty sometimes cause he is a really fabulous baby. I'm hoping that when he starts holding his arms out to me for a cuddle that will help.
Got to go and feed him now smile

moosemama Fri 03-Jul-09 10:52:44

As Eyeballs said, different people get there at different times.

Some people just aren't baby people. My sil also had an 'accident baby' and found it tough when he was 'a baby' but now he is a toddler they are such a fantastic team. She just wasn't a baby person, and now he is a little person in his own right, it has all come together for them. It hasn't affected him in the slightest, he is a lovely bright boy who, having been well looked after and cared for since birth, is extremely secure and happy. I am sure your ds will be exactly the same. smile

Portofino Fri 03-Jul-09 10:59:44

I was exactly the same at the beginning. DD was an accident too and I actually felt quite resentful of her at the beginning, for turning my life upside down. That sounds awful doesn't it! I found the "bonding" and my love grew over time. I think when dd started to walk and talk and become a "person" I started to feel more attached to her. Nowadays I am totally besotted with her, though I still don't think I am very maternal.

buy1get1free Fri 03-Jul-09 20:12:22

I think it's unusual for a mother not to be completely head over heels in love with their child by this age. Do you think you may be a little depressed ?

Portofino Fri 03-Jul-09 20:22:38

How do you know that buy1? I would never have admitted to it - not to anyone!

Bumperlicious Fri 03-Jul-09 20:33:24

I disagree Buy1.

How can anyone compare how they feel to anyone else. Muchkin, you are only comparing how you feel to how you think you should feel.

I wouldn't worry, I pretty much felt the same way the first year. It might just take time.

AnnieLobeseder Fri 03-Jul-09 21:01:59

For me, the love thing only kicked in properly when the DDs got to around 1 and really started to be interesting little people in their own right. I don't like babies, and they were more like pets until a year - I feel great affection for them, bathed, fed, looked after, etc etc. But I didn't truly fall in love with either of them until they had proper personalities to fall in love with, IYSWIM?

I wouldn't worry about it too much just yet. You speak of your DS with great affection and seem to be doing a great job. The rest will come with time....

buy1get1free Fri 03-Jul-09 21:30:11

I don't know .... was just saying what I thought because of my own experiences as a mum ... what would you never have admitted ? having pnd ?

GooseyLoosey Fri 03-Jul-09 21:33:49

Took several years for me - really I think until they stopped being babies. They are now 6 and 4 and I love them to bits. I too was not the "mother type" and I think that the baby phase was particularly hard for this reason. I love talking to my children and I love them making me laugh. It will come.

hertsnessex Fri 03-Jul-09 21:51:08

i felt same about ds1, took alot longerr to feel anything like i felt for ds2 when he came along. i think its normal, but a taboo to talk about xx

maisiestar Fri 03-Jul-09 23:34:45

I too have had soem of these feelings and like others have said - it did grow as he grew and became more of a person and also as I became more comfortable in my new life and role as a mother.
I realised that I was scared of being overtaken by the 'mother' feelings - I would look at him and it would literally take my breath away - I felt swamped by the strength of emotions I felt and so it felt easier to cut myself off from it.
I think I approached my relationship with my son in the same way that I approached any other deep relationship i'd had, which for me was an initial caution and almost fear - it takes me a long time to fall in love and to willingly submit to those feelings and the pattern was the same with my DS.
I still look at him and it takes my breathe away, but I welcome that feeling now rather than feel I can't handle it and need to insulate myself from it - he's 5 now!
Becoming a mother isn't the same as having a baby - I kept wondering when my life would return to normal and it took me a while to realise that 'normal' wasn't ever going to return. Instead I'd ended up in a different place and that this place would eventually feel like normal.

merryberry Fri 03-Jul-09 23:44:00

i'm 'worse' than you guys i think. i don't mean that but i can't think of any other clear way to say it. i just find these babies with huge brains and residual bodies we give birth to weird. am fierce about them and fine for them, and 'get' them very well from the get-go but honestly until they speak and move, until their neurology really hits a certain point, i don't feel the idealised maternal love i read aobut everywhere. i'm just patterned enough into it i think, having been raise quite tom boyish. i kind of remind myself of the mothers in a benighted part of south america i once worked in, who didn't even name theirs until they'd survived infancy, as their community was so plagued by poverty and environmental problems. but i don't have those reasons. but i must say, i've never beaten myself up about it, i just do the right thing by them as babies and as maisiestar says, grow into proper rich long term love as they develop.

LeninGrad Sat 04-Jul-09 03:55:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrendelsMum Sun 05-Jul-09 21:36:18

Oh, yes, my mum's always admitted that she really found us pretty awful as babies, toddlers, and young children but she absolutely loved us as older children and adores having grown up children. Whereas my gran loved babies for some reason, but didn't much like older children. sad The odd thing was that my mum was desperate to have kids, and then had three of us, so I don't know why she kept going if she found babies so awful.

munchkinpoppet Fri 10-Jul-09 10:18:47

I don't think its pnd, I just think that I never wanted children for all sorts of reasons that still apply but now I have a child. At the moment I wish I didn't have a husband either. I miss being young free and single and think its such a shame that this beautiful baby boy will probably grow up with a crap mother who doesn't really love him sad

mumtoem Fri 10-Jul-09 14:41:23

Before I had my DD everyone told me I would be a great mother. I had worked with special needs kids and also always had a good relationship with friends kids. Then I had a really tough time with my DD's birth (emcs), all she seemed to do was cry and I didn't feel able to get anything right. I think I was in total shock and I certainly didn't feel any rush of love for her.

It is so different now. She is 15 months and has a personality that I am really growing to love. I so look forward to seeing her when I finish work.

For the first year, all you can really do is keep them clean and fed. When your DS starts interacting with you more you will be able to play with him and then the fun starts.

You are not a crap mother. Take a look at some of the tragic news stories to see what a crap mother really is. All any of us can do is try our best and do what we think is right.

Why do you wish you didn't have a husband either? Is he not being supportive enough? Sounds like you need to have a good chat with him, tell him how you feel and what you need from him. Make sure you get some time off! Even just a relaxing bath while he takes the baby out for a walk can make huge difference.

Squitten Fri 10-Jul-09 17:05:20

I hardly ever post here but really wanted to answer you. I felt exactly the same way after 6mths. Now, my DS is nearly 10mths and it's really getting better.

It's so wonderful when they do really big things, like getting their first teeth, starting to crawl, starting to pull themselves up on the furniture and taking little steps. You finally start to really get a reward for all your hard work (if you know what I mean!)

Just try to be patient, relax and let it happen in its own time

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