Ds never gets a return playdate or invited anywhere

[fidgy]

Hi
I go out of my way to keep inviting my ds's school freinds on playdates but he never gets a return invite and its getting me down.
Its not so much me but I feel bad for my ds as he has said many times that he never gets to anyones house and has cried a couple of times about it.
People will make promises to my ds that he can come next or whenever but it never comes off and then they simply forget about it.
Its usually me that invites the same people again and I do wonder if I should keep bothering.
My ds is an only and I figure that its best to invite his mates rather then him never seeing anyone but my ds has started becoming resentful about this.
Is there anyone in a simialr situation.

[AnotherFineMess]

How old is he?

Do you know any of the other parents well enough to just have a quiet word and explain the situation? It's more than likely just an oversight on their part, but if there is any underlying issue then at least you would get to find out then.

Sorry to hear your little boy has noticed and felt sad, but good for you for continuing to encourage him by inviting friends to your home.

[coolpersephone]

if he is under 7 I don't think its at all unusual it will come in its own time

[piscesmoon]

Very often people have several DCs and after school activities or they work-I don't think it is personal.
Advice depends a lot on his age.

[piscesmoon]

It is a pity that OP hasn't come back-advice depends so much on age.

[fidgy]

Hi Sorry I have not been back.
I am talking of 8 year olds.
I know people are very busy but I do think more effort can be made.

[moffat]

We are on the other side of this, ds(7) gets invited to playdates and we do reciprocate but TBH I do it quite reluctantly as he is not actually that bothered and I find the whole thing quite trying.

[piscesmoon]

Does he do much out of school? My eldest was like an only because he had 2 much younger brothers. I found cubs and scouts a godsend because they tended to have a lot of activities and he always went away on camps.

I really don't think it is personal, as moffat says, some people just hate playdates. My DS had one friend where his mother apologised, but she has 4 DCs and was always off to swimming, ballet etc and wasn't at home.Others work and have CM or after school clubs -more likely as they get older.

With the summer holidays coming up have you thought of approaching other mums and asking if you can try swaps in the holidays-e.g you have her DC for a day and then she has yours. They might be quite pleased by this-the worst they can say ins 'no'. Another possibility for the holiday is to suggest an outing with another mum and DC. Or suggest swapping phone numbers with the view to doing something in the holidays. A lot of people find the holiday difficult so might be pleased to be approached.

[whereeverIlaymyhat]

Some people are just plain rude, we spent a whole summer making a massive effort with other children coming to ours, across 3 age groups and none of it was returned.
Frankly I just got the children some friends outside of school and have stopped bothering.
Just because 30 children are the same age and in a class together doesn't mean they'll have socially adept parents or be likable, that's what I have learnt.

[smartiejake]

I agree whereeverIlaymyhat it is plain rude.

I can't understand how some parents can quite happily allow their children to come to our house for tea (no less than 15 times and a mum who does not work and has no small children at home.)over a period of a year and not invite my dd back.

I don't care if the child doesn't ask to have my DD round. The parent should be suggesting it and making sure there is reciprocation.

[decena]

I know exactly what you mean, I too find it amazing that I can have other children round, take them swimming, to the park etc. and my DD doesn't get invited back.
I think some people are just plain rude, some are thoughtless and others take advantage.
However as my DD is a sociable child and is best 1 on 1, I continue to grit my teeth and invite but I long for the days when my child is old enough to pick up the phone and do her own inviting!

[whereeverIlaymyhat]

Gosh well that's us told

[LovingtheSilverFox]

I always feel a little awkward in returning playdate invites, because, and this is going to sound awful, but DDs nursery is frequented by many, very well-to-do people, we live in a less salubriuos part of town, and the house is (for want of a better phrase) a hole. DH os a keen DIYer, but not such a keen DIY finisher iyswim. I get very embarrassed, even when close friends comw round, and having seen some of the houses that these other children live in, makes me want to crawl under a rock! We are moving though, so come September, everyone come to us!

[LovingtheSilverFox]

I would also second the poster who mentioned Cubs or scouts.

[whereeverIlaymyhat]

Fair enough, just out of interest would you accept a dinner party invitation knowing you never intend to return the favor ?
It's a bit of a touchy subject with me today because DD2 had a party on Sunday where 7 out of 14 people who RSVP'd "forgot" to turn up. I unfortunately still had to pay the £200 and haven't decided what if anything to say to the absent minded parents

[LovingtheSilverFox]

Actually sleepycat, I hadn't thought about the extra children angle, I have twins of 7 months, so that might not be as easy as I thought...another phone call to my good ol' Dad to come and help out might be in order......

[AintMisbehaving]

yeah - we've been there too.

With 2 kids, 1 year was great, the next not. I think it's the luck of the draw of the parents in the class.

My approach was to just plug away, and when the kids do come over try and give them a good time... eventually the kids will want to play with your child and if they never go there it doesn't really matter.

Some parents do get busy, some are happier with 1 or 2 friends coming over, some only want kids of their (parents) friends to come over - regardless if they get on.

But if your hope is to help your child to be happy, I'd not worry about it too much and play the numbers game and try and get different friends over to play. This helps give your child something to look forward every week and 'keep him going'.

The policy of a range of friends is better IMO, as if a friend is away or 'not being nice' your child can find another friend to play with at school.

Also I'd say that younger kids go through this and it's not just your kid.

[whereeverIlaymyhat]

The difference being though that they are your friends and you were on your uppers, exceptional circumstances. These people not returning playdates are not best friends they are other parents at the school gates.
I guess I'm just jaded 4 years into primary school and expect nothing less anymore hence I've stopped putting myself out for others, sad really I started so keen as did the children.

[whereeverIlaymyhat]

Why don't you make any effort ?
Nobody is asking you to provide tea fit for the Ritz but to not return any favors is a bit rude IMO and I had three under 4yrs too an extra older child keeps yours occupied whilst you deal with the little ones I found.
Anyway each to their own.

[fortyplus]

'You don't give to recieve'... obviously not, sleepycat, but people who continuously take without giving anything in return usually have pretty unattractive personalities. I'm sure you wouldn't include yourself in that generalisation, would you?

[GooseyLoosey]

Fidgy, its awful isn't it. I am in the same place with ds(6). I find that all you can do is keep on inviting people over and grit your teeth at the lack of return invites. Ds really enjoys having his friends over and I would be doing him a dis-service if I stopped.

Sleepycat, I take your point but people do expect reciprocity, not necessarily on an invite for invite basis but simply as a matter of common courtesy. They will start to wonder if you do not like them or their child of you do not invite them back.

[abraid]

Sometimes it just does take a long time to get these things going. My son moved school two years ago. We have worked hard on having people over and taking them out and we are finally starting to see some returns. Some children need more time. My son is quite quiet and needs to 'warm' people up to him.
He has the kind of personality which takes some time to get to know.