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I feel my friend always blames my ds for everything.

(8 Posts)
KTNoo Thu 25-Jun-09 19:54:55

I'm not naive, my ds age 6 can be a little monkey. We've had "listening to mummy" issues in the past, but his behaviour has improved massively over the years and most of the time he's now a lovely co-operative boy.

He plays quite a bit with the son of a friend of mine, who is also in his class at schoool. I will try to put this diplomatically, but basically this boy rules the roost at home, his parents think he is a little angel and can't see that he ever does anything wrong. The two boys fight a lot at the moment - it's partly just their personalities clash and interests differ. But more and more I feel that my friend thinks that my ds is responsible for all the situations we have to deal with when the boys are together.

Today they were swimming in an outdoor pool with other kids from their class. I was watching them but had asked my friend to keep an eye while I took dd to the toilet. When I came back my friend told me I need to speak to ds as he was pushing her ds under the water. I made ds get out and asked him what happened - he said the other boy pushed him under about 5 times and when he wouldn't stop after ds asked him, he did it back to him. I explained to him that it's really dangerous to do that (he knows that, we've talked about it before and I feel sure he wouldn't normally do that) and he should have told me or another mum. My friend though was cuddling her ds and telling him my ds should not push him under the water and she would not let him do it again etc etc. After a lot of talking her ds admitted he had done it first, but she didn't say much about it to him then, or apologise to my ds.

There have been lots of examples like this, and I would really like some advice on how to handle these situations. I don't want to fall out with her but really don't feel like spending time with her much right now which is a shame as the only problem is how I feel she treats my ds.

KTNoo Thu 25-Jun-09 21:04:50

Anyone?

PortAndLemon Thu 25-Jun-09 21:13:39

Can you see her without the boys? I think it's just not going to work out having the four of you together.

Heated Thu 25-Jun-09 21:20:51

Dh has no compunction about telling any child off but I'd probably be a bit more passive aggressive about it - which isn't necessarily the right approach, so will be watching to get better advice myself!

I'd probably say something along the lines of: "Well it's not nice that XX pushed you under lots first but I don't want you to do it either. If it happens again rather than doing it back, come and tell one of us," to my ds whilst friend and her ds were in earshot.

Boys2mam Thu 25-Jun-09 21:34:32

I had this situation with my friend and our DS's (both 5 years old). Seeing her without the boys is not an option, they go to school together and socialise regularly, but the only way we got around it was talking things through.

I don't mean in a "I don't like how you deal with things" way but in a "the boys don't seem to be getting on at the moment, what can we do". This opens the discussion so she can see you are observing the friction too.

HTH

KTNoo Thu 25-Jun-09 21:54:12

Thanks.

I can meet my friend for coffee when the boys are at school, but they always see each other anyway. There are lots of parties and big playdates in the community where we live.

We have sort of talked about it occasionally but I don't think I've really said how unjustly I feel she treats my ds. I know ds has at least once told the boy he didn't want him to come over as he always breaks his stuff! I can see his point tbh - last time they came over the boy threw ds's binoculars off the baclony and they smashed. Poor ds was so upset but my friend didn't say anything about it - she just thinks that's boys.

If my friend was not around I would definitely talk to her ds if necessary but she always goes with him and is very protective, she babies him really.

She once phoned me because apparently she had been called into school as my ds had apparently hurt her ds in the playground. I thought it must be something really serious but to cut a long story short they had basically bumped in the playground and he only had a small bruise. She insisted I speak to ds about playing safely and not hurting his friend.

I'm finding it quite hard to be positive about this child which is a shame. He can be a sweet boy but is so disobedient, does whatever he wants with no consequence, but whenever it's another child doing something his mum is suddenly on their back.

Supercherry Fri 26-Jun-09 14:47:03

I doubt you will be able to change her parenting or attitude from the sound of things. I think I would be inclined to distance myself a little to be honest.

If you do decide to remain friends and see each other with the boys, then for the sake of your DS, try and be a bit more assertive. If you think the other boy is in the wrong then say so. Your friend has no qualms about voicing her opinion on your DS's behaviour so by all means voice your opinion also.

KTNoo Fri 26-Jun-09 21:33:02

You are of course right supercherry.

We live in a close-knit expat community so distancing myself is not really an option. But you are right, i need to be more assertive. My ds has been very difficult in the past but is now listening to me quite well and I need to trust him more.

I find it so frustrating when mums think their child is all innocent and it's always the other child in the wrong. I honestly think I know my 3 kids well - for better or worse or whatever you want to call it.

I sometimes feel like my friend is the "better mum" because she is so endlessly patient with her ds and never shouts etc. My dcs receive so much love and affection but I also insist on manners and respect etc. They HAVE to listen to me and I do get angry and shout sometimes. And I have to say my dcs' behaviour is far better than her boy's. I know it's not simple but it does make you think.

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