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Parenting

Made the wrong choice of punishment

58 replies

SPARKLER1 · 14/05/2005 10:03

DD1 (5) is being a real bugger this morning. She told me that she was going to play out in the garden this morning at 8.30am. I told her that she couldn't as it was too early, it was starting to rain and she was still in her PJs. She said to me I'm going anyway. I told her no again and said that if she disobeyed me we wouldn't go swimming today. (We have all been looking forward to going for a family swim today).
I told her it was her choice.
I walked away and she decided to go outside.
Now I wish I hadn't used that as a punishment because the rest of us are going to miss out too.
She has said sorry and asked if she can go.
I know I should stick to my word but I don't know what to do now.

OP posts:

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compo · 14/05/2005 10:05

I think you have to stick to your word. Could you do something else though? Go into town and to pizza hut perhaps?

swiperfox · 14/05/2005 10:06

I would say to her "Ok you can go. Thank you for saying sorry." and then explain why you didn'y want her outside in the first place so that she doesnt think that she's 'got away with it' just by saying sorry

Tinker · 14/05/2005 10:06

Oh, I've done this type of thing before. Then thought S*, why did I do that? I'd re-open negotiations. Say, 'Let's discuss. If you do x y z, then I'll reconsider teh swimming'. Not sure if this is teh right way to deal with it but it would be what I'd do to get out of the situation.

swiperfox · 14/05/2005 10:06

I'm a believer in the point of the punishment is to get them to say sorry

hatsoff · 14/05/2005 10:07

been there done that bought the t-shirt. It's a nightmare isn't it? I agree that you have to stick to your word - but maybe doing something else to fill the gap is a good idea

SPARKLER1 · 14/05/2005 10:07

That's a treat too though isn't it? I just feel for dd2 missing out and dh was looking foward to going with the girls too. He normally misses out being at work so the chance for us to go together doesn't happen very often. DD1 does swimming lessons once a week and I take dd2 to P&T swimming once a week. It's a nice change for us all to do it together.

OP posts:

crazy · 14/05/2005 10:08

do you have any other children? if so could one of you take the other child swimming and the other one stay at home? This would make the punishment real to your dd1 and hopefully make her wary to go against what you say in the future!!!

jangly · 14/05/2005 10:08

Oh, give her a second chance and forget about it. Don't think it pays to be too harsh with children. They only kick back. Have a nice morning!

zebraX · 14/05/2005 10:08

I think if you are too rigid that is as bad as not following thru on ultimatums, too. You want to teach them that you can make mistakes but that you can fix them, and that you can fine-tune a situation to fix them.

Plus, YOU want to go swimming, why should you (and everyone else) miss out because of her misbehavior? Ideally she'd stay at home from swimming on her own or with just one parent, but I would change the punishment if that's not practical. You are the ultimate authority & you reserve the right to change the punishment.

hatsoff · 14/05/2005 10:08

for me the point of punishment isn't to get them to say sorry - it's to teach them not to do whatever it was again. Otherwise they'll just wise up that as long as they say sorry afterwadrs they can get away with it and you won;t carry out your threats

Mud · 14/05/2005 10:10

No you definitely have to stick to your word

Can one of you take the others and leave her behind with one of her parents

sorry but if you crumble now just because she's said sorry she will think she can do what she wants and say sorry and get away with it

sorry is not a get-out clause

Mud · 14/05/2005 10:12

I remember quite clearly knowing as a child that I just had to say sorry and be all lvoely and kissy and I'd get what I wanted - it just turned me into a really bratty teenager

moondog · 14/05/2005 10:13

Yes,don't crumble now. Let dh take the other dd. It's easy to say sorry automatically,but learning to live with the consequences of naughtiness is a much more valuable experience.
You are doing her a favour for later on.
(FWIW,I think the consequence of not swimming was a little harsh,but you set the ground rules so have to see them through.)

Freckle · 14/05/2005 10:15

Why should the rest of the family miss out? I would send dh off with other child/ren whilst you stay home with dd1. That would have a far greater effect on her than everyone staying home. I do think you need to stick to your guns or she'll know that you don't always mean what you say and will continue to push the boundaries.

SPARKLER1 · 14/05/2005 10:18

I have just sat with dd in a quiet room and talked to her.
I asked her if she understood why I asked her not to go out the garden. She said it was because it was raining. I asked her if there was any other reason and she wasn't sure so I explained. I asked if she understood why I told her we weren't going swimming and she said it was because I didn't listen mummy.
I told her that she had to show me that she could be good between now and when dh gets up (his turn for a lie-in this morning). Told her I would speak to daddy and decide whether or not we could go.
I told her that even if we decide to go what she did still wasn't right.
Can' you see me weakening?????

OP posts:

Mud · 14/05/2005 10:22

that's actually a good approach (I was feelign harsh this morning - it is much easier to be harsh with other peoples kids I find

Kittypickle · 14/05/2005 10:25

I wouldn't weaken, I'd send DH with your other DD. My DD seems to think that's if she says sorry then everything is OK, she's having to learn the hard way that it doesn't work like that. You told your DD what would happen if she went to go outside, she chose to go, I think she's waiting to see if you weaken. If you do, she's won and will have no incentive to do as you say in future.

swiperfox · 14/05/2005 10:25

I think you've done the right thing. I do that as well - give her the talk then say I'll have to ask Daddy.

She didn't do anything really terrible though - not compared to some of the things my dd gets up to!!

ghosty · 14/05/2005 10:28

I would definitely stick to the punishment. I have learned the hard way ...
My DS will try to push and push and push knowing that I might give in and give him what he wants anyway ... because that is what I used to do. It has made him into a really difficult boy to handle at times.
A few months ago we decided to stick to punishments more rigidly and his behaviour has improved.
Saying sorry is definitely NOT the point of punishment ... I learned that the hard way too! DS was really good at saying sorry ... until I realised that he was doing things he KNEW were naughty/mean/dangerous (like hit the baby for example) and then say sorry afterwards thinking it would be ok ...
Not good enough ... after many discussions he now knows the difference between saying sorry when something is an accident and saying sorry when he has done something he knows is wrong.
Sparkler ... your dd blatantly disregarded you ... she went outside when you clearly said she shouldn't. She KNEW she was being naughty. Sorry wouldn't be good enough in my book, I am afraid.

Can you still go swimming and leave her at home with DH? That is what I would do.

Mud · 14/05/2005 10:28

hang on, what do you class as 'so wrong' then?

what this 5 year old did was:

Not listen to her mother
defy her mother verbally
Totally disobey her mother in action
be a brat
say sorry and expect to get away with it

jangly · 14/05/2005 10:31

Sparkler - go! You could wound that child if you get too heavy too soon. She didn't do anything very bad.

JoolsToo · 14/05/2005 10:32

I think you should stick to your word or the lesson learned is 'say sorry and I'll still get that treat' - Why doesn't your dh take your other little one swimming - I know it means you miss out, but it's no use having empty threats.

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ghosty · 14/05/2005 10:33

The thing is, if you let her get away with it then there will be a next time, and a next time and a next time and you will be tearing your hair out wondering what to do with her (believe me, DH and I have BEEN there, DONE that!) ... I really thinkt the key is to stick to the punishment (OK, so you picked the wrong thing to threaten, next time you won't do that) and next time she will think twice about not doing what she is told.

JoolsToo · 14/05/2005 10:33

"wound"? oh for goodness sake - she's missing a swimming trip cos she's been naughty - she'll get over it - kids do!

ghosty · 14/05/2005 10:35

jangly, how is missing out on ONE swimming session going to 'wound' that child?????

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