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Does anyone else ever get the urge to just run screaming from their life as a SAHM?

(129 Posts)
Olihan Wed 24-Jun-09 12:14:34

I'm just hoping what I'm feeling at the moment is normal and someone else can understand where I'm coming from.

I have 3 dcs of 5.6, 3.10 and 2.6. I'm a SAHM and have been since I stopped teaching when ds1 was born, so 5 and a half years.

I know in some ways I am very lucky that I don't have to work but the sheer drudgery and monotony of life is starting to send me a bit doolally.

The constant nagging to get them up and dressed in the morning, the horrific 5 minutes as we try to leave the house for the school walk, the constant mithering for food, the fighting, the permanent mess, the fact that I have no time or space to myself, the never ending washing/drying/ironing/putting away, cooking decent healthy meals from scratch that end up in the bin, spending hours trying to come up with meals that they might eat, the battle every night to get them into bed.

It's so bloody wearing.

I don't wish I hadn't had them, I love them more than life but at the moment I just want to suspend my life, go back to being single, childfree and remember who I used to be.

Tell me I'm not alone in this, please?

TheOldestCat Wed 24-Jun-09 12:16:52

You are not alone. I'm a wohm and I would like to run screaming from my life too if that's ok.

AnnieLobeseder Wed 24-Jun-09 12:18:27

I call myself a Stuck at Home Mum. I frequently wish I could just run out the door screaming and not come home for a week! I would love to go back to work part-time but my feeble salary doesn't cover childcare for two.

Like you say, it's bloody wearing, and unlike any other job where you might get to look over a completed project and feel some satisfaction, being a mum is all just damage control! You tidy up and 10 mins later it's a tip again, your brain is constantly engaged with thoughts on where they are, what they need to do later, what to feed them etc etc. So you never even get to switch off your thinking for a second.

So no, you're not alone!! It really is the hardest and most thankless job in the world!

TheOldestCat Wed 24-Jun-09 12:18:28

And 'bloody wearing' is spot on!

sleepycat Wed 24-Jun-09 12:20:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olihan Wed 24-Jun-09 12:21:11

You can come with me. I'll organise a coach if there's plenty of us, might be less tiring than running.

I have to say, I have massive respect for WOHMs, I could not do it. The thought of having to get myself ready for work as well and the dcs sorted for school/nursery then spend all day doing a job I'm not hugely keen on then having to do all the home based jobs as well.

DH has suggested going back to work as a solution but I think that would tip me over the edge, tbh. All that extra responsibilty on top of what I do already. I genuinely do not know how you do it.

sarah293 Wed 24-Jun-09 12:22:03

Message withdrawn

Olihan Wed 24-Jun-09 12:22:51

Oh thank goodness it's not just me.

Olihan Wed 24-Jun-09 12:26:43

Exactly Riven, how do people do that and stay sane?

We went to a wedding this weekend. They didn't invite the dcs (hooray!) so we had 28 hours of being 'us' not parents and it was bliss. Not having to worry where they were, if they were hungry, if they needed a wee, etc, etc, etc. We ate, we drank, we weren't woken up in the night, we slept in in the morning. Pure bliss smile.

I think that's why I feel so flat about my life at the moment. I've had a taste of freedom!

claricebeansmum Wed 24-Jun-09 12:27:44

Good grief no - you are not alone.

Sometimes it all seems pointless - you do stuff, it gets eaten/messed up/lost -you do it all again.

I think that you are in a hard place at the moment with the ages of your DC - but you know what it doesn't get easier but it does change. So my DC are older but my DD is still picky with food but they can tidy up their own mess, they still fight but it's verbal and door slamming rather than physical, they do help with clearing up and other chores but I seem to be a full time social secretary/taxi driver/counsellor instead!

GrapefruitMoon Wed 24-Jun-09 12:28:22

I'm beginning to see the attraction of boarding schools - or going back to work full-time, long hours, with a nanny to do all the monotonous stuff! (Can't afford either option sadly...)

Dh had a day off recently and took the ds's to their swimming lessons - it was sooo lovely not to have to be the one dragging them out the door and I was able to make dinner in peace without constantly being interrupted by demands for snacks or to referee arguments...

MrsTittleMouse Wed 24-Jun-09 12:37:43

No, you're not alone. I am glad to be a SAHM, but the fact that I am constantly on duty gets to me. My biggest issue at the moment is sleep - how long it's been since I had a good night's worth and how long it could be until I get one! But mine are younger.

I am very lucky to have enthusiastic healthy grandparents. They don't live close to us, but my Mum has offered that she'll give babysitting both at once a go when DD2 is on bottles/real food, so that DH and I get a whole day and night to ourselves. That will be very strange, as DD2 is still breastfed and has never really been babysat at all. I wonder how it will feel to go back to normal after too!

I have found myself daydreaming a lot recently about being completely on my own for a day, with nobody, not even DH. I can't imagine how wonderful it would be to have no demands on me and make every decision based completely on my needs and desires. Maybe it will happen one day.

makingdotoo Wed 24-Jun-09 12:38:52

yes some 2 years ago. Now i have accepted my fate and actually come to fear the outside world. grin

gegs73 Wed 24-Jun-09 12:46:58

You are so not alone. I often fantasise about boarding school, live in nannies and Grandparents taking my children away for weeks at a time grin. I have good days and bad days but know that I'm lucky to be able to stay at home with them even when they are doing my head in.

Olihan Wed 24-Jun-09 12:56:29

MrsTM, dh is going away for a week at the end of next month and my mum has offered to have the dcs for a few days of that. She's lucky to still have a hand left grin.

So I guess there is hope if I can hang on for another 5 weeks.

<puts trainers back in cupboard>

I just never thought it would be this soul destroying.

AnnieLobeseder Wed 24-Jun-09 13:22:52

But at least when you're a WOHM, you get a break from it all, even if mornings and evenings are a little more manic! And with kids out of the house, there's much less mess to tidy up.

I'm at this very minute working on setting up a business from home so I can pack the DDs off to a CM three days a week, and then hopefully I'll ultimately work school hours only. Ah bliss!!!

MrsTittleMouse Wed 24-Jun-09 13:40:35

I don't think that anyone gets it easy. I do fondly remember tea breaks when I was working though. And lunch breaks. Even if they weren't very long. There also seemed to be a fair amount of standing around chatting to collegues too, quite often combined with work, but still fun and interesting interaction.

DH sometimes reminds me that he works hard too. Which is true. And he does housework and is hands on with our DDs. I do sometimes think that he has no idea what it's like SAH though. Whereas I've done his job and I know exactly what it's like! Perhaps I'll tell him one day after he's said "I know you're busy but if you could just <insert task that is incompatible with supervising two very small children and preventing the eldest killing the youngest>...". grin

poshsinglemum Wed 24-Jun-09 14:00:31

You are definately not alone and I only have one dc. I can't imagine having three to myself. Although wonderful- yes it is very wearing.
Some days I am so grateful not to be at work. Other days I crawl the walls with boredom. The problem is having too much time to think methinks!

sarah293 Wed 24-Jun-09 14:02:09

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland Wed 24-Jun-09 14:04:02

There are hills back behind this house, and I can tell you, sometimes I feel like running up them and, when I get my breath back, having a good scream!

Maninadirndl Wed 24-Jun-09 14:07:51

Well I am a SAHD in Bavaria and my wife who works thinks what I do is a doddle and better than being stuck in the office. My youngest is now 3 and in kindergarden so I get 3 hours "off" in the morning but I am expected to do something like belt sand the stairs or whatever, never mind that I've had an exhausting recent 4 weeks with my elderly parents out here (Dad is 84) with him having diarrhoea and vomiting in front of me, my old cat who they now look after in Britain being run over and and....

They make Mess One you clean that up then they bugger off somewhere else and make another. You follow them and clean up Mess Two then its on to Mess Three till you give up and put Beebies on and surf the web in a fit of given-up depression. Then wife comes home and asks how much TV they watch leaving you to sink further into a guilt soaked deeper depression, and being compared to other parents who do "so much" with their kids, taking them to lots of structured activities like gym, art etc making you feel like the shittiest parents on earth.

By Friday evening at the off license the sight of a welcoming crate of beer leads to the dilemma - that or a crate of shandy. Often the beer wins.....

So no you are not alone. i thought that Mums stuck better together, and that I being a bloke doing this job was alone.

There are brief moments in the mists of depression that make it unbelievably worthwhile, usually at night when the babies are snuggled up asleep in their beds, or this lunchtime at KG pickup when I my little boy said "I like you Daddy" in my arms. Those are emotional moments to savour.

I am more or less alone in Bavaria as SAHD doing this, and the harder times I went through when I was stuck indoors in winter 24 hours with my son last year - I was almost on the brink of alcoholism but I reduced it by half - have started to instill in me some pride at what I have done. I don't get that feeling often though.

I've given up a career to look after these kids - not a particularly high flying one but interesting all the same - and it strikes me that many average mums (or SAHDs) could do fine jobs as managers after going through this experience. Handling all that responsibility, juggling different crises and accepting whatever the task that it is often thankless, I believe would mean that a woman (or bloke like me) would make an excellent manager. Such a pity that society doesnt seem to put much store by people like us parents.

Olihan Wed 24-Jun-09 14:44:46

Expat, I have regular daydreams about heading up to your neck of the woods and walking for hours in absolute solitude, not having to see or speak to another soul. That's close to my idea of heaven at the moment smile.

It's the lack of head space and time to just be able to pause for a minute that I struggle with, I think. I've always needed a bit of time by myself, not necessarily 'me' time, just time away from people and it's impossible to have that at the moment.

Maninadirndl (just worked that out, I was reading it as Manina Dirndl, rather then Man In A Dirndl - duh!), I empathise with the mess scenario so much. It's like fighting bushfires, isn't it? Neverending and pointless.

I think it's quite good sometimes to admit that our feelings are not necessarily what they 'should' be. I feel guilty that I'm wishing September here so Ds1 and DD are both at school and ds2 is at preschool for 2 mornings but the thought of those 6 precious hours a week is about all that's keeping me going somedays. I think having that little bit of time to myself will make me a better parent when they are here.

If I'm less tired, less bogged down in mutinae, less worn down by it all then the time I have with them will automatically be easier to cope with.

TBH, I feel better for having a good moan here and knowing others feel the same.

expatinscotland Wed 24-Jun-09 14:51:39

I have dreams of walking the entire West Highland Way, Olihan, solo and only speaking to greet other ramblers. I know what you mean!

jeminthedark Wed 24-Jun-09 14:52:36

Hell yes.

sweetkitty Wed 24-Jun-09 15:00:21

oh yes

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