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please help me work out how to explain FIL's absence from our lives to DS

(18 Posts)
namechanger09 Sun 21-Jun-09 15:02:41

what I WANT to say is:

he is an agressive, sexist, racist, BNP voting, manipulative, emotionally abusive, alcoholic, petty criminal.
If he tried to contact you, walk away, RUN!

How do i put that in a simple less un-healthy way when my DD starts to ask questions about her grandfather?

Tortington Sun 21-Jun-09 15:03:44

just say "he's a twat" it's shorter

don't beat around the bush

JackBauer Sun 21-Jun-09 15:22:17

DD's are 3.6 and 20 months and haven't asked about their gradnfather (my father) yet.
Stock response DH and I decided on is that they have a grandad (FIL), a grandma (MIL) and a Granny, and that is it.

crokky Sun 21-Jun-09 15:38:26

Have you cut contact with him?

I don't know perhaps you could say he lives a very long way away until they are older?

dizzydixies Sun 21-Jun-09 15:42:40

agree with JackBauer, no need to make any mention of them until utterly inevitable - I grew up with only one set of grandparents and didn't think anything about it

he sounds like an absolute dream btw hmm

namechanger09 Sun 21-Jun-09 15:43:15

crokky, we have no contact with him, he is so vile that if DH ever reintroduced him into his life I would take the kids and run!

But if he ever did contact our children, he is the kind of head-fu(king manipulative ** who would use any lies we told LO (like he's dead, lives far away in a country that has no phones or internet etc) to his advantage to try to poison their relationship with us.

namechanger09 Sun 21-Jun-09 15:45:23

There is no grand dad from my side (he's dead) sad so its quite possible that LO and any subsequent children may ask why they don't have one

Feenie Sun 21-Jun-09 15:54:29

Is your fil mine too???!!! He's all that, bar the petty criminal bit.

namechanger09 Sun 21-Jun-09 15:59:09

Feenie, are you able explain it without going off on one and getting emotional which is what I'm worried I will do? if so, how?

misshardbroom Sun 21-Jun-09 17:37:32

my FIL is a philandering depressive who has cut DH out of his life altogether. I've never even met him myself, never mind the DCs. At the moment, they're 5, 4 & 3 and it doesn't seem to have crossed their minds that there's a GF shaped hole on that side of the family.

I know it's inevitable they will ask eventually. I'm banking on being able to say 'Nana and Granddad split up and your daddy very sadly doesn't see his daddy any more because he moved away', and that this will do until they're old enough to understand properly that he got the housekeeper knocked up and did a runner to the Isle of Wight.

namechanger09 Sun 21-Jun-09 17:47:07

whilst I dont want to be to OTT and say something like " because he's evil and his hobby is sabotaging peoples lives, making people miserable is what makes him happy" (even though its true!), I do want to include some sort of words of caution so that if my DC ever come across him later in life their guard is up as I have seen the damage he does to people and am terrified of him getting his claws into my DC

JackBauer Tue 23-Jun-09 20:33:44

How strange, DD1 asked about him earlier today. We were talking about IL's who are coming to visit and how they are Daddy's Mummy and Daddy, and Granny is my Mummy, and she asked 'where is your Daddy?'
And I just took a breath, and replied
'I don't know DD1, but he's not very nice, so it doesnt matter'
'Ok. And will (IL's) bring their dog?' and she was off.
Simples!

fruitstick Tue 23-Jun-09 20:38:48

My parents are both dead and so is my MIL so DS doesn't have any grannies and only one grandad. He has mentioned not having a granny a couple of times but seems quite understanding.

I also have a sister who doens't speak to any of the family any more (will related fallout sad) and I often wonder when I drop her into conversation. I don't want to keep things from them, especially as we now live in the same town.

I posted on here about it a while ago and the general consensus was to be honest with your children, and they accept and understand more than you think.

'Daddy's daddy isn't very nice so we don't see him anymore' would suffice I think.

sagacious Tue 23-Jun-09 20:40:59

Agree with fruitstick (fallout with my parents)

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Tue 23-Jun-09 20:57:09

I agree with Fruitsticks, and goodness youn described my thankfully exFIL. He is a bit of a bone of contention between me and ex and he has in the end agreed (let's see if he sticks to it) 100% supervision from only 3 people that I have agreed to if and when the dc's ever see the wretched man again.

I think when they are little fruitsticks answer is plenty and over the years by the time they are old enough to possibly stumble across him they will probably have asked questions of their own and you will have had the chance to expand on it a little bit as they won't be littlies anymore.

namechanger09 Wed 24-Jun-09 21:19:26

I agree about telling children the truth in general

however this man is a master manipulator who doesn't show his true colors till its too late (and your life and mental health are in taters).

I am scared that if I do tell the truth, and they meet, it will be twisted round to be bad me turning DCs against poor grandad etc. He is VERY good at sabotaging things like peoples relationships with others, he sees any happiness or love and he is compelled to squash it!

DHs mum was also too terrified of ever saying anything negative about FIL to DH (until DH finally cut ties) for the same reason - she knew that if she did it would be used to completely destroy any scrap of relationship she still had with DH (FIL did a pretty good job at fu(king their relationship up but thankfully contact was maintained, just, and the relationship has been rebuilt in latter years)

namechanger09 Wed 24-Jun-09 21:20:46

I am a bit that others on here know exactly what kind of person I'm talking about, means there's a few of them out there! sad

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Thu 25-Jun-09 11:35:50

I think really all you can do is tell as much of the truth as you can and trust your own parenting and children that if he does try and turn it round they will know you have never lied to them and they will be aware and wary of anything he tells them. As they get older and ask more questions can you give specific examples of him manipulating etc to try and make them aware of some of his tricks?

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