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shy 5yr old won't go to any parties from school without me...

(20 Posts)
tinatutor Sun 14-Jun-09 22:20:29

My daughter is in reception. She's just started being invited to parties where parents don't stop, they drop kids off and return for them 2 hrs later. My daughter is refusing to go to any where I can't stay but looks so upset and tearful when I tell her it's 'a party where mummies can't stay'. She loves parties and loves her schoolfriends but just freaks out at the thought of me leaving her.

I've left her once at a party on her own, but i had to stay for first 40mins, lots of tears, bit of a scene and told me afterwards she cried silnetly whilst playing pass the parcel for another 30mins after I'd gone! (oh god, that kills me!)

Is anyone else's child like this? Mine seems to be the only one in her class who's shy in this way.

I've tried saying that I'll find a mummy at the party to look after her, that i'll stay for 10mins and make sure she's ok but she refuses.

Feel so sorry for her and don't want her to miss out on parties.

Any suggestions/experiences?

gigglinggoblin Sun 14-Jun-09 22:21:51

Whny cant you stay? I know some parents leave at this age but bot all usually. I would just stay so she has fun.

Babbity Sun 14-Jun-09 22:22:59

My son is just the same. Very difficult. He is not quite five and not starting reception until september, but tbh I'm dreading it for this reason.

seeker Sun 14-Jun-09 22:23:03

Mine was like this. In the end i just stayed. If you explain to the party mum they are usually grateful for another pair of hands.

onepieceofcremeegg Sun 14-Jun-09 22:24:07

My dd is also 5 and in reception. At our school it seems to vary (in R and Yr 1) if a parent stays.

Tbh I would suggest planning to stay with her if she does become so distressed. Just mention it to the host/ess in advance.

dd had her party at home (only 8 children) and I mentioned to all of the parents that it didn't matter either way to us if they stayed or went (all of them went!). If any/all had stayed they would have had coffee etc and maybe passed the sandwiches round etc and enjoyed a chat.

If the parties tend to be at other venues (soft play) etc, ime it can be frightening/overwhelming for a child to be left. If you are able to stay, do that, and perhaps pop to the cafe (if there is one) for a coffee during the party.

Smithagain Sun 14-Jun-09 22:25:08

DD was still like this in Reception. I just stayed - explained to the parent and helped out where I could. Eventually DD turned round and asked why I was staying, because she didn't need me to anymore. Now she's fine - not necessarily the life and soul of the party, but fine.

onepieceofcremeegg Sun 14-Jun-09 22:25:32

p.s. if it really is a party where mummies can't stay, then perhaps the invitation should be declined. A party should be fun, not a stressful ordeal/challenge for her.

Ripeberry Sun 14-Jun-09 22:26:19

A lady at our school has a 6yr old and a 9yr old and they both won't stay at parties and NEVER have. They don't like to join in with anything and she's always had to walk out after half and hour or so as they are just glued to her.
What a nightmare!

Tortoise Sun 14-Jun-09 22:26:44

My DD1 was like this last year.
Suddenly recently she chose to go to a party and let me leave her there. shock

Before that, i would just ask the Mum of the party child, if they minded me staying with her. I wasn't the only one to stay.

gigglinggoblin Sun 14-Jun-09 22:27:14

you should make the most of this stage while you can

give it a few years ans she will be asking you to drop her off round the corner so none of her mates see you grin

piscesmoon Sun 14-Jun-09 22:30:36

Just stay with her-no one minds; speaking personally they like an extra pair of hands. Don't make a big thing about it-she will grow out of it-as gigglinggoblin says she will get to the stage where you are an embarrassment!

handbagqueen Sun 14-Jun-09 22:31:14

My DD is like this (she's now Yr1) - in reception I stayed at all the parties. She really enjoys herself once she get there and get settled in and usually forgets I'm there at all, but she needs to know I am about just in case.

I have now found a couple of mums of girls in her class who she knows quite well (though playdates) and she is happy to go along to parties with them. I find that if she goes with someone else she is fine, but if I drop her off she will want me to stay.

Most parents don't mind if you stay - an extra pair of hands is always useful and after a while you do get to know the children and they are quite fun.

Kirstieallsoppsalterego Sun 14-Jun-09 22:32:25

DS was like this until very recently (he's now 7, and went to his first party on his own a couple of weeks ago!)

His problem was slightly different, in that he wouldn't go to parties even with me, for fear of not being able to see me. However, it's the same with going to friends' houses. Again, he's just started going on his own; he would only go until very recently if I was there too (even if he completely ignored me while I was there!)

I think it's just a personality thing, and they do grow out of it. My DD was five last week, and has been begging me not to stay at parties with her since she started school!

We had her party at our house last week. We invited eight girls; two of the girls didn't want their mums to leave, so I said they were very welcome to stay. I was positively glad to have an extra couple of mummies to supervise the children while they were eating - it meant DH and I could do the games, wrap the bits of cake up and so on! It's also quite nice to have grown-ups chatting while the children do their thing - I think it added to the occasion in its way!

tinatutor Sun 14-Jun-09 22:35:45

thanks all, i'm glad i'm not the only one. The last party where I had to leave her was cos the parents of the birthday child had been told that cos of fire regulations, they weren't 'allowed' too many adults in the room (it was a small room). They kept looking nervously at me, waiting for me to go and kept explaining to me about the fire regs but to be fair to them they did have a lot of grans/grandads/aunties helping.

The invitation we've got for next week also says 'please can parents leave their kids cos of fire regs'...but you're right, if there's only me, surely that won't make a difference. Maybe I should try and speak to the birthday child's mum in playground and just ask her. People do understand these things don't they?

serenity Sun 14-Jun-09 22:39:34

DSs would never have stayed at a party without me at 5, and we never had any issues with it (TBH? I'd be pretty shocked at someone making a fuss if you stayed, pretty insensitive to assume all 5yo's are happy to be left)

DD is the opposite and is supremely confident and happy to be left, but I never have - a big crowd of rising 5's is fairly daunting and most parents jump on a offer of help.

piscesmoon Sun 14-Jun-09 22:42:29

I would just ask. My DS2 was very bad at anything like that. I never made much of it-just treated it as normal and eventually he was fine. I don't think it is good to force these things or fuss-some DCs just take longer than others.

onepieceofcremeegg Sun 14-Jun-09 22:43:24

I think the parents at the party you mentioned were really clueless/unfair. Surely some of the guest children were only 4/5 and it would have been perfectly understandable that several of them would have wanted parents to stay.

Yes, just ask the other mother prior to the next party. I would say something like your dd would love to come to the party, but gets too upset to be left. However you are more than willing to attend as a "helper" If they are awkward/insensitive about this then personally I would politely decline the invitation. (I would send a card though if it came to that, to show no hard feelings)

gigglinggoblin Sun 14-Jun-09 22:43:37

I have never heard of the fire reg thing before. I would def speak to the mum. When I do a party I have adults lined up to help, if I knew I was limited to space and a parent was in your shoes I would bring one less helper to accomodate the child.

DontCallMeBaby Sun 14-Jun-09 22:58:29

DD's also in Reception, and is not keen on being left at parties - some of her little friends at nursery were happy to be left at 3 or 4. Last party she went to, I asked the mum in advance if parents were expected to stay or to go - I didn't want a situation where DD was crying on the doorstep and I was saying 'no, I can't stay' and party mum is saying 'oh, you can stay if you like', but not meaning it (actually wouldn't have happened as party mum in question is lovely). The answer was that I was welcome to stay if I wanted, but I decided I'd have a go at leaving DD. I casually threw into conversation that I'd be going, she wasn't terribly happy, but I dropped her off and went off in an upbeat kind of way. Party mum had my mobile number and would have got in touch if there'd been a problem. Two hours later I returned to collect a DD would was decidedly off with me ... but who had, according to party mum (and party gran!) had a lovely time. After a while the stories started to tumble out, and it was clear she HAD had a nice time ... but she does like to guilt trip me!

Next party is two doors down the road and party mum is very generous with the gin. I'll be staying whether anyone wants me to or not.

seeker Mon 15-Jun-09 08:49:22

I had to stay at every party with dd until she was about 8. No parent every objected, or made me feel slightly awkward. I've given a lot of parties and there are always grown ups that stay.

Never heard the fire regs thing - hired halls do have a maximum number or people, but it's usually much higher than the number of 5 year olds any sane person would invite to a party!

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