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Does anyone else find it difficult to take a step backwards when their older children are having friend problems?

(10 Posts)
Saltire Sun 14-Jun-09 10:42:36

Becaause I do. DS1 has been playing with a lad since we moved her 2 years ago. Since then other lads have got friendly with friend1. To the detriment of DS1, who is feeling more and more left out. He ahsn't been out any afternoon last week or at all yesterday. His friend 1 though and theo other lads plus friend1's "girlfriend" (IMO ridiculous at 10 years old) seem to spend all day round friend1s house and never coming near DS1. It turns out frined 1 has also invited all these other lads to sleep over at his house on his birthday, but not DS1 and DS1 is very hurt by all of this.
I know I can't intervene, but I feel so sorry for him especially as he is suppsoed to be going to high school with this lot in September. Which brings me to another problem but that's another thread!

bellavita Sun 14-Jun-09 10:59:35

It hurts doesn't it?

DS1 (now Yr7) had this when he was in primary. A boy a few doors up who he walked to and from school with used to call for him and then they would play for a little while in the street another boy would come out (who does not really like playing out) and invite the boy in that DS was playing with and leave DS out. He would come in so hurt.

How you explain to your children that life is like that though and certain kids behave like this...?

Luckily DS has made new friends in secondary school - and fortunately this boy is not in his form and there are two school buses that come through the village and he has to get on the other one.

I don't know what happens in your primary school when they are in Yr6, but someone from the secondary school comes to ours and all the Yr6 kids put down two names on a bit of paper whom they would like to be placed in a form with and the new school do their very best to ensure that this happens. Is your DS pally with anyone else who perhaps he could pair up with?

Saltire Sun 14-Jun-09 11:28:46

I know that the primary school advise the high school of children who ahve paricular friends, but other than that, I don't know what else to do.
I'm very fed up myself at the minute, want to go home, and I think knowing how upset Ds1 is(he's 11) by it all is probably making me feel worse

bellavita Sun 14-Jun-09 11:48:23

Sometimes though you have got to let them find their own way..

DS1 has made loads of new friends in Yr7 and in fact DH and him have just taken a boy home who came yesterday for a second sleep over.

I actually think you cope marvelously tbh, I know when DH has been away for a weekend (he volunteers for a charity and has to go to weekend meetings quite often around the country) I feel like a single parent. You do it day in and day out so please don't be hard on yourself.

Saltire Sun 14-Jun-09 19:15:15

I don't cope really - it's all a front Seriously it is.I want to sit in the corner and cry most of the time.

pinklady5 Sun 14-Jun-09 19:33:32

HUG]] kids can be SO cruel ,
know exactly how you feel sad

pointydog Sun 14-Jun-09 19:54:59

Absolutely. It is hard to take a step back when your children are upset and left out. Perfectly normal.

We had lots of this with dd1 in P6 and P7 (Yr 5 and 6). I used to talk lots to dd1, gently suggest things she could try and just be there to listen and cuddle when there wasn't much that could be done. Things have been much much better at high school - a bigger pool, less chance of isolating someone.

You stick in there. Better days will come.

Saltire Thu 18-Jun-09 20:52:00

Have come back to this, DS1 has just come in crying becasue his friend 1 is having a gorup of people for a sleepover on his birthday weekend,and hasn't asked Ds1, he is distraught, really upset by it.
Any suggestions on how to deal with it would be welcome.

I haven't really seen the boys mum for a while, I used to see her a lot but felt I was always going round her house, then when DS1 was being ignored, I stayed away - childish maybe but felt it was an easier way to deal with it. I

plonker Thu 18-Jun-09 21:27:24

Oh God Yes sad

Particularly, for some reason, with dd1. She seems so ...vulnerable sad

I could cheerful throttle anyone who hurts my children, and children can be so bloody mean.

I do step back, relucantly admittedly, but dh finds it even harder. He gets caught up in all her arguements and has been ready to cause murders on her behalf. The flip side of this is that he often can't see the woods for the trees and see's her as blameless even when she is completely to blame (she is no angel, of course).


Hope your ds is ok ...hope you are too

Saltire Thu 18-Jun-09 23:01:48

DH has the opposite take on things to me, he's like "well find someone else to play with then" or "stop whinging I didn't like school/where I lived/had no friends and I ahd to get on with it".
I know I can't make this boy invite Ds1 to his sleep over, but he was friends with this boy long before the others came on the scene.

poor DS1 he has been up and down teh stairs all night getting really upset. I think there's more too it though, he has been doing a lt of crying in his sleep - like ngiht terrors not waking but yelling out and crying a lot.
he's also got completely obsessed about use by and sell by dates on food

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