father and daughter

[hamstring]

i wonder if anyone has advice. we have 4 children ,the eldest is 14 and always seems to be having arguments with her dad.She is wilful.opionated, always right - just like him self really but is a lovely girl . He seems to constantly pick on her and shout at her for minor things.Today she was revising for an exam and he had a go at her because she was wearing headphones at the same time. She swore at him and so it goes on.She gets very upset about his constant criticising and actually so do I. When i ask him why he shouts , he says dont you start.
any suggestions?

[DaddyJ]

Well, conflict between an opinionated father and an equally head-strong teenage daughter does not strike me as unusual.
I presume your dh is not the type of chap who would consider picking up the odd parenting book?
Has this started quite recently or have they always had a fractious relationship?

Maybe instead of asking him 'Why??' you could try and get around his defensiveness by asking 'How can I help you with dd1?'
I am curious what he is trying to achieve by being constantly in her face.

[hamstring]

When i think about it it usually happens when she is playing music (he doesnt like) , watching scrubs too loudly (he hates) and as he loves music (of his taste) he just gets cross.
They have had a good relationship in the past and seem quite similar in a lot of ways.
thanks for answering

[morningsun]

It sounds as if he is either worried or disappointed in her tastes in music/tv and since he can't change these is having a go at her.[do you both disapprove of programmes like scrubs or just him?]
Perhaps they used to be into similar things and now she like things he doesn't like and he is irritated by them.
Have a chat with him to see what you both as parents agree/disagree on,what is worth commenting to her about and what should be left unsaid ,because if he alienates her too much,it will be more difficult when other issues arise and she feels he is not on her side.
He does have a right to his opinion though but needs to state it more clearly and have your backing if it is not allowed.

[DaddyJ]

He is picking some odd fights there!

Is your dd being inconsiderate or is he is irritated by her choice of entertainment?

If it's the latter he really needs to be told to stop interfering.

[hamstring]

thanks for your thoughts. He does get irritated when she listens to music he cant stand . We only have one communal living space and it can make things difficult if said programme is on for an hour.
very tricky. Its just he seems to quite cold towards her

[PlumBumMum]

Maybe hes finding it hard to handle his babygirl growing up and making more adult decisions ifyswim

[mumzienut]

Hi, my daughter is 16 and your DH sounds exactly like mine! In fact she says she has at least two friends who's dads behave in odd and ridiculous ways, for e.g if anything is broken, left out on the worktop in the kitchen, used up and left in the fridge, he usually always blames her. And to be honest, half the time, it will be himself who has finished the juice and left it in the fridge or walked off and left an apple core sitting on the living room floor etc etc....the only thing I can say to you is that my two have argued like this FOREVER...but what has happened is that as she has got older, she has become more adept at dealing with it, and tends not to argue with him as much as she used to. They are also both very similar and quite frankly each need their own space. Talking will help, but wait till it's all died down, and she's quietly locked herself in her room and he's watching Star Trek (yes, really)...when she was 13/14, I'd jump in and shout at the both of them which never really helped and just gave me a headache. I just let my DH know how much his daughter loves him - he is her most favourite person, despite all the shouting. And his ego is usually so huge at this point, that he forgets whatever it is that caused him to get so worked up!

[hamstring]

good advice mumzienut, I think i get cross with him cos she cant understand why he shouts and gets cross so quickly and it upsets her.
Ill try talking to him