OK we are ttc, butt something happened at the weekend and the doubt has set in - help!!!

[tummytickler]

Hi all.
Well, we are currently ttc no5, we were very excited, looking forward to a lovely big family, hopefully going on to have number 6. Oh heavenly bliss. And then on Sunday something horrible happened and now i am not so sure.
I am not a good enough parent to parent 5 children as it appears i am so crap that i cannot look after the ones i have.
On Sunday I lost our 3 (nearly 4) year old in a packed out place for 25 minutes. I have never been so absolutely terrified, and it didnt even happen in a moment of crap parenting, but during an everyday type situation.
I am gutted, and i will now bore you with the details, feel free to have a doze .

On Sunday we went to our local park for a Sprinwatch event, with dh, 4dcs and dhs cousin who is visiting us for 10 days.
We got there around lunch time and it was packed, so dcs and i got some crepes with yummy fillings and sat down to eat before going to see birds of prey. Dh joined the enormous line line for pakoras.
We finished, stood up and started walking off to look at some of the stalls. I turned to dh and said 'whilst you are eating i will take dcs over here to have a look around' turned around and dd was gone, nowhere to be seen. dh and i check with each other, and look around as we think she couldnet have gone far, but she is gone, completely out of sight.
dh cousin stays put with the kdis and dh and i run in seperate directions aroiund Stanmer Park, srrounded by woodland. DD nowhere. Dh carries on running, i alerta park rangers, and it is all out panic for 25 minutes.

She finally finds her own way back, because she is thirsty. nobody could find her, she says she didnt hear us call and has no real exolanation as to what happened.
I wish she was scared and crying, but she was fine - now i feel as though it could happen again.
Dh blames me and says we really shoulnt have dc5 if i cant look afters our dcs when out.
I feel awful, but i am sure i took no crazy risks or anything. So confused and i dont know what to think or do, but i feel like the worst parent ever (and dh seems to agree).

Can i cope with 5? Am i just too too crap for children?

[tummytickler]

gosh - sorry! Just seen how long it is, and how many spelling mistakes are contained within

[LouLovesAeroplaneJelly]

That's ok. The bit about the 'butt' made me giggle especially when in a line with ttc.

[thisisyesterday]

:O I cannot believe your husband is blaming you!!!!!

this can happen to anyone, no matter how many children you have.
a friend of mine lost her 18m old for 10 minutes in the library the other day and she only has 2 to keep an eye on.

these things happen and you are NOT too crap to have another child.

you poor thing, i can't imagine how utterly terrified you must have been

[sleepymommy]

I'm sorry, but he's a dickhead. They are his kids too, and he was there!!!
Maybe he can't cope with the reality of the fact that it was just as much his fault!

[peggotty]

fgs it could happen to anyone, it's not fair that your dh is blaming you! are you sure dh is not using this as an excuse to not have dc5?

[tummytickler]

He was there, but the kids weren't with him iyswim, he was busy standing in a line, and he couldnt have seen them as i was walking away which is why i turned 'round.

OMG thisisyesterday. Your poor friend, she must have been petrified. My ds (22months) thinks its hilarious to hide in the library

[tummytickler]

peggotty - i dont think so - he has always been very keen! He doesnt take them out alone much though (whereas i, of course always do), and it is usually only the park/shops somewhere else easy. I think he is genuinely freaked out by it.

[PacificDogwood]

tummytickler, poor you! And yeah to your resilient DD!

People who have one child are perfectly capable of "losing" them, so do not think this event makes you in any way a crap mother or unfit to be a mother to a further child. It sounds from your post that your husband is maybe offloading his own guilt/horror on to you, non?

I once "lost" DS2 aged about 3 (I had only 2 at the time) in IKEA, of all places, at the check-out. One minute he and his brother were behind me, both of them pushing one of those little shopping trolleys with the high flags that IKEA provide, the next minute he was gone. I was v impressed with the fast response of the first member of staff I attacked approached in a panic. It took the longest 3 minutes of my life to "find" him again - he had simply wandered off in his own little world and had not considered himself lost at all .

Have a large G+T (or other mood altering substance of your choice, let's face it, you are unlikely to conceive tonight ) and breathe.

[gagarin]

Surely the reality is that with 4/5 dcs unless they were all massively well behaved there would always be a chance of one of them wandering off when they were in a packed and interesting place.

There is no way any one adult can keep their eyes on 4/5 dcs all the time.

So the choice is to always have another adult with you when you go out or expect one of the other dcs to take some responsibility for one/some of the younger ones.

Only you will know whether your older dcs would want to/be able to take on this role.

IMO there is no reason not to go for the 5th dc as long as you have thought through the implications for you, dh and all the other dcs - esp the eldest who will shoulder some responsibility.

[tummytickler]

Oh gagarin - if only they were all massively well behaved . . . . we can dream!
Elder 2 are very good and would never do that.
Dc3 - very 'spirited'! dc4 still in buggy, thank god!!!
I dont think elder 2 would want to look after small dcs when out. The responsibility is too much for them imo, a bit unfair to place that on them.
I never really expect to have eyes on all children at all times, but them i was quite relaxed (but careful) about these things until Sunday.
We were going to go to London soon to 'do' the zoo and museums. Not too sure now though!

Thanks for the kind words everyone!

[hellymelly]

I remember getting lost at about seven I think,I was really scared,I still remember crying when I saw my Dada at last.My Dad only had me with him at the time,it was just very crowded and we lost sight of each other.I think most parents have this happen at some point,hasn't to me yet and I felt naked terror reading your posting,so I sympathise but I don't think your parenting is rubbish!

[runawayquickly]

Oh, TT, I felt all panicky and anxious just reading your OP - hideous!
Let's think postively here - if you're TTC now, the baby's siblings will all be at least a year and a half older by the time he or she is ready to toddle off on their own. This means they will all be more able to help you and far more likely to respond to 'extra crepes/pakoras/owls/stars on the chart if you help mum and dad look out for each other.'
Go for it, sounds like you are a great mum!

[runawayquickly]

Oh, and by the way, my best friend is one of six and I was always so jealous at how her brothers and sisters seemed to care about each other and seem like one family unit. My sister could not have given a toss if I'd disappered... she'd have just moved into my (bigger) bedroom without a second thought.