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should i try for another baby at the age of 42/43 - help!!

(14 Posts)
fabmrsv Fri 05-Jun-09 21:51:43

i would love to hear from other parents who have gone through this decision. My dh and i are both 42 and have a sixteen month old child. we bought thought we were totally decided on just one but lately both of us feel extremely undecided on this. we would like to hear from other people who had a second baby at the age of 42 or 43 or from those who decided not to go ahead? did you regret your decision if you did or you didn't have another child so relatively late in life?

in truth i think neither of us have a huge desire for another baby. i don't feel broody around new babies. also because my child has a cousin the same age as him that he will grow up with he kind of has a ready made 'sibling' or very close to it. we thought that would be enough but now i am worrying in case it is really unfair not to try and give him a brother or sister but this doesn't seem like the right reason to go through it all again?. sometimes i think we should just go for it but then also i can't shake the fear about the higher chances of something not going right or the baby having health problems. i love my child so much but do find it really knackering being a mum! i also don't know what having one child say at the age of two years old is like never mind having another baby at the same time!

help!!

liahgen Fri 05-Jun-09 21:53:30

I am 42 and we are ttc#6

I'd say No as you say you have no great desire for another baby. Don't really see the problem if you're both happy with that.

hellymelly Fri 05-Jun-09 21:58:01

I had my second at 43 (was 42 when I conceived)my elder was 19m when I got preg so roughly the same as you.I got pregnant right away, dh said we should get on with trying if we wanted another,20 mins later I was pregant,so don't assume it will be hard! I love having two,my little one is just two,and she is FAB,and they are very sweet together even though they squabble.They really love each other.I am even weighing up trying again,although I haven't made my mind up yet.I say go for it now,why not?

mulranno Fri 05-Jun-09 22:24:29

I think giving your child a sibling is a really good reason to have another. A sibling is the longest relationship you will ever in your life. Having been through some tough times (as an adult) I cant imagine doing it without siblings...and I have 6!...I can also say that once you are thru the first few months it is easier having 2...they entertain each other..even from 4 months old. But families come in all shapes and sizes so do whatever makes you happy...what they have nt had they cant miss..

mulranno Fri 05-Jun-09 22:24:36

I think giving your child a sibling is a really good reason to have another. A sibling is the longest relationship you will ever in your life. Having been through some tough times (as an adult) I cant imagine doing it without siblings...and I have 6!...I can also say that once you are thru the first few months it is easier having 2...they entertain each other..even from 4 months old. But families come in all shapes and sizes so do whatever makes you happy...what they have nt had they cant miss..

hester Fri 05-Jun-09 22:39:07

I don't think giving your child a sibling is a good enough reason, though if you were keen too I'd be saying go for it (I'm older than you and applying to adopt).

Honestly, you should only do it if you really want to and feel up to it. It's lovely to want to give your son a sibling, but siblings don't always get on and this has to be right for you, too.

JeffVadar Sat 06-Jun-09 12:30:53

I had DS (a magnificent child!) at 38 with no trouble at all. However, I spent several years afterwards unsuccessfully ttc another baby. This included 3 courses of IUI. I wouldn't say it was traumatic, but there were certainly some unhappy times, including two miscarriages.

I don't regret trying, but I wouldn't do it again. And at this stage now I don't miss not having had another at all.

Actually I did think at the time that maybe the reason I did become pg was because sub-consciously I did not really want another baby, as I too found the early years totally shattering.

I did think that it was really important for DS to have a sibling. But there are also advantages to being an only child too. You cannot say that one or other state is better, they are just different. I don't think you should feel obliged to have another baby just so that your child has a sibling. You will be looking after the baby, not your DC!

applepudding Sat 06-Jun-09 18:44:55

I had DS at 38 after trying for about 4 years. At the time I felt that I wouldn't be ready to cope with another baby until DS was about 4 which would have made me 42. I thought, that, given the length of time it had taken to fall pg with DS this was probably going to be unlikely so decided not to try as we were very happy with DS.

I'm now 45 and really do think its too late now, but sort of wished I had tried for another one when DS was a toddler, its not something that is a major upset for me, just occasionally I wonder if I did the right thing. I think the reason I'm thinking this now is that as DS is growing up he needs me less and I want another baby to cuddle.

Mulanmum1 Sat 06-Jun-09 21:03:11

"I think giving your child a sibling is a really good reason to have another".

I think it's a really bad reason. You should only have another child if you desperately want another. Siblings often don't like each other - as kids and/or as adults.

fabmrsv Wed 10-Jun-09 23:17:29

thank you all very much for taking the time to reply. we are still very undecided but all your comments have really helped us think it through further and we are going to keep on discussing it. i am also goign to speak to the doctor i first met when i first got pregnant so i have as many facts as possible about any risks of pregnancy at 42 or 43 and what the actual real risks are for there being a problem with the baby.

i think i have realised having a baby just for a sibling is not a strong enough reason and i also do think our son would be more than ok as an only child but we are now thinking more maybe we actually would want another child regardless of the sibling issue. however do absolutely love my life with my only child right now!! thanks again for all your help.

hellymelly Wed 10-Jun-09 23:26:37

I don't think the risks are massive,if you are healthy and had an ok first preg then you should be fine,the risk of down's is a bit higher than it would have been with your first but not enormously so.You are only 42 not 62!

dontdillydally Thu 11-Jun-09 07:58:39

I also had/have this dilemma recently. Im 42 and we have one ds age 4.4yrs. My Hub however is 50 next year so although we both feel "young at heart" and in my opinion is that age (other than medical growns) should not have an impact realiscally my sensible head kicks in - life is settled at the moment and life with a 4yr old is great. Money is ok Ive gone back to work 2 days a week on the days I want to work, 5 mins down the road, I dont have any childcare help, no family around. Health issues, previous MC and a few problems with DS ... so all in all I know deep in my heart although I would love another child I feel happy and extremely lucky to have a very healthy beautiful boy.

Your LO is very young at the momnent and I found my maternal head kicked in once ds was around 2 years - Make your decision, or give it 6 months and see how you feel then. But make your decision, have no regrets and feel lucky and privilaged you have a healthy child.

PS Also if I really did have a desire to have another one knowing me I would of done it by now so as I havent I think this is my way of saying were complete!

Bucharest Thu 11-Jun-09 08:04:40

Having another child to be a sibling for an existing one is possibly the worst reason and the only non-valid one I've seen.

I'm almost 44 and although 99.9% sure I've finished, I watch these threads with interest. smile

KristinaM Sun 14-Jun-09 23:53:43

i agree with hester - you shoudl only try for another if YOU really want one

there are good and bad points to having siblings AND being an only child. you can just try to make the most of all teh good bits for him

BTW we had our last baby at 43 but he was a surprise grin

but we were both worried about the risks as we already have two other children with SN

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