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ok so I was little once and felt so ashamed about touching myself uh-hum !!!

(15 Posts)
pellmell Thu 04-Jun-09 10:25:40

My dd has recently begun dressing herself.
During the time of warmer weather she has worn plenty of skirts, dresses and nighties.
Her interest in her bits has coincided very much with that.
She has recently gone from doing a quick study to see what is down there and explore mainly visually to using her clothing to stroke herself on the vagina
I had noticed her doing it but wanted to ignore it as I believe it to be normal and healthy (in a why not it's her body kind of way)
My question is this.... is it o.k for me to address her curiosity as a positive without seeming to be ..........god this is difficult because I was sexually abused at home and I want her to feel she can touch her own body (even in the context of it feeling pleasurable) but that other people cannot!!!
This is a shit post ,I might do it again later when I work out what I am trying to askblush
Just incase some one can interpret what I mean I will post this.

pellmell Thu 04-Jun-09 10:28:37

I feel a bit choked up now.....why?
Might go and hoover up or somethin!

saintmaybe Thu 04-Jun-09 10:39:44

Why do you feel you need to address it? You're totally right, it's her body. she does it because it feels nice/ interesting.
I think that if you want to talk to her about her own privacy, rights over her body etc it might be better to keep that seperate from when she's exploring her own body, IYSWIM.
I have said to mine, when they've been very obvious/ in public etc, 'it feels good, everybody does is, but it's quite a private thing to do by yourself', but only when they're a bit older. You don't say how old she is, but I'm guessing 3ish?
It's bound to bring up stuff for you. If you're feeling choked up spend some time with your feelings and be kind to yourself.

LastOrders Thu 04-Jun-09 10:41:32

pellmell - (((((hugs)))) Feck, thats the first time I've done that and I vowed I never would!

As we both know it's completely normal for a child to want to explore their body. It's when the parents and adults around them address it as a problem that it becomes a bad thing to do in their eyes.

My DS is 5 and constantly getting his willy out, fiddling and wanggling it around at every opportunity.

Sometimes he gets told to put it away as it's totally inappropriate (at the posh kids house!), other times I let him wobble away.

I think its soooooo important for children to explore their bodies and be away of all bits and what they do. As a child I was never encouraged to explore, talk or show my body. I am now a very self concious adult with serious body hang ups. Was taught that sex is bad, bodies shouldn't be over exposed, even ankle jewellery meant you were a prostitute hmm Cheers, Mum!

I don't know how old your DD is, but I would say let her explore away, the body and bits questions will soon come and then you can talk freely about what may be wrong and whats is right.

Now I'm the one not making sense!

titchy Thu 04-Jun-09 10:56:45

Lastorders - LOL at being inappropriate at the posh kid's house - presumably it's fine at the common kid's house?! grin

Pellmell - don't even comment on it! Unless it is somewhere inappropriate in which case distraction is usually the best way to deal with it, followed by a gentle 'not here please darling, just at home / in your room'

LastOrders Thu 04-Jun-09 11:00:33

The common kids join in! grin

Normally in the play house at the local softplay centre!

pellmell Thu 04-Jun-09 11:06:35

thanks......so much!
I'm completely gobsmacked by my feelings today.
I have such a huge fear of someone realising she likes that sensation "down there" and touching her!!!!!!
<<really over bloody thinking thingsblush>>
I so so want her to never ever feel ashamed of herself. So much so that I have a fear almost of doing/saying anything to make her feel inhibited. I also feel like I am hoping she continues in front of me so she does not want to do it in private (incase anyone else persuades her to "go somewhere private")

Then I'm thinking back to my own parents behavior.
I think more and more I can see a little me in my own child!!!

pellmell Thu 04-Jun-09 11:09:38

oh dear....i've got to go and stand in the playground in a minute!
Must go and re-do my mascarasad

yappybluedog Thu 04-Jun-09 11:20:35

our children will inevitably stir up memories & emotions that we may have tried to let go of

have you spoken to someone about your past?

pellmell Thu 04-Jun-09 12:51:20

Well I did talk around the time my father was arrested in 2001.
I had reported him
I went through with it and he went to prison. My mother was told she was lucky to not fce charges too.
I was seen regularly by a cpn and offered further counselling but I never seemed to be able to get past just talking about my relationship with my mother. I did not actually address the sexual abuse.
I have a two dd's, dd1 is much much older with severe disabilities.

I think the fact that dd2 is almost four is significant (in terms of my history)
I see my daughters, as do most mothers, as the most beautiful little beings. I can see that dd2 is such a clone of myself at that age, yet I felt so ugly, dirty and ashamed (more-so when I began touching my own body)
I mistakingly believed that to touch myself was to admit that I enjoyed others doing it iykwim.
As dd2 is taking off her trousers, shorts etc and replacing them with skirts dresses etc, it's making me acknowledge that I deliberately chose those things so that her bits were safely out of view and reach.
Even though she has had the ability to dress herself for ages, I have taken over (to get it done quicker and make her wear what I choose etc)but she is a clever girl and wants to do it herself now smile

Sorry for the waffle.

willali Thu 04-Jun-09 12:56:30

pell my daughter is extremely curious about all things sexual (aged 8) and I got her a book from the library called "Let's Talk" which has it all explained in a very appropriate way, lots of pictures, diagrams and cartoons etc. Anyway it has a whole section about "OK touches" and "Not OK Touches" which I think is quite brillaint and may be worth looking at as a way to start a conversation about this?

pellmell Thu 04-Jun-09 13:09:42

Thankyou for that will I will definately take a look smile

lucasnorth Thu 04-Jun-09 13:28:52

pellmell my DD has started touching herself; I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on the way you're feeling but I thought I might mention how I've been reacting to my DD.

Basically, I don't comment when we're at home (as I don't think/want her to think there's anything wrong with it) but if we're out and about I say that as her hands are dirty she mustn't touch herself or she'll get a sore bottom (she's only just over 2, so it is inevitable if we're out that her hands will be dirty!). I think she's too young to understand the distinction between 'private but OK' and 'something wrong' which is why I've gone this indirect route; when she's older we may have to revisit it. It seems to work though.

Hope you find a way through this.

WolframAlpha Thu 04-Jun-09 13:59:26

pellmell - just to say you sound like a great mum, and brilliant of you to sound this stuff out.

I have always just done the, that feels nice and it's completely fine to do that when you are by yourself.

Also i try to respect their bodies as their own. Stopping tickling when they say 'stop' and so on. The book willali sounds good - I might have a look too, tx.

pellmell Thu 04-Jun-09 15:13:41

Thanks everyone.smile

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