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Nothing works

(7 Posts)
WinkyWinkola Mon 01-Jun-09 12:20:10

I've posted about this before but I'm still desperate.

What do you do if your child aged four will not ever do as you ask even though you have tried:

- the naughty step
- rewards like on a sticker chart
- a toy box for confiscated toys
- explaining why something needs to be done i.e. putting shoes on or stopping T.V.
- putting in bedroom (or car if we're out) for continued aggression or uncooperation
- removal of bedtime stories
- bribery like a chocolate

I'm not keen on the bribery because I feel it sends the message all he has to do is be difficult to get sweets.

Any ideas I've not tried yet? My DH thinks a smart smack on the bottom will do the trick. I think it will beget more violence from DS.

Nothing seems to get the desired effect. I have a surly, aggressive, shouty little boy whose behaviour for the past two years has shown him to be very controlling i.e. must have his own way all the time or he gets extremely angry and starts flinging chairs onto the floor, slamming doors, kicking walls etcr. This is every day at least four times a day.

I don't understand why after all this time DS thinks it's a good idea to still be hostile and uncooperative when all he gets is tellings off and removal of treats.

I mean, Pavlov's dogs figured it out pretty quickly, didn't they? Why can't he? Does he love drama and exhausting tears and hysteria? It's very boring and wearing.

Hassled Mon 01-Jun-09 12:36:28

I remember your other posts about this. I don't see that you're doing anything wrong - the only thing that leapt out at me was the "Does he love drama and exhausting tears and hysteria? " question. No, he won't love that but he obviously loves the attention that comes with that - your challenge is making him value the positive attention (that I'm sure he gets) more than that negative attention.

I know you can't ignore some of the stuff - but you can remove him quickly and quietly, in complete silence if you can manage it, to wherever you've decided he goes. Remove the attention that the agression provokes. And make a really big deal re how much fun you've had on a good day - what a star he was etc.

I'm probably preaching to the converted - is your HV of any use at all?

amisuchabadmummy Mon 01-Jun-09 12:51:20

check his diet first, to make sure nothing is triggering the behaviour (ie. colourings, fizzy drinks, too much sugar)

it sounds like the only thing you arent doing is ignoring him. i dont mean putting him in his room or on a naughty step, i mean just letting him have his tantrum and carry on with what you are doing totally ignoring him (make sure he's safe obviously).

you have to wait it out until he's worn himself out. then leave it a couple of minutes and say something in a calm voice like... "ok, now you've calmed down... we will do x, y or z" (not the thing he was originally having a tantrum about but something else to distract him).

it will take a few times of doing this consistently and you must not break whilst you are doing it, dont make eye contact. all adults have to do this as well.

eventually he will realise he gets no attention whatsoever until he is calm. and what should happen is that the tantrums gradually get shorter and shorter (time and note them down for your sanity).

one other thing i would say is never show violence to him.

i know with my DS, that when i lose it and shout at him or try and get him to do something mid temper he gets miles worse.

HTH... sorry it was a bit long.

WinkyWinkola Mon 01-Jun-09 13:27:16

Ignoring. I will ignore him. I bet he'll hate that!

So in the situation where I need him to put his shoes etc on to go out, I just put them on, ignore his protests etc, and get him out of the house?

Will give it a whirl.

Thank you very much.

Had another crapola morning with him where everything that entailed progress for our activities resulted in conflict with him.

It's odd, you know. Outside of the house, he's so loving and always wants hugs and is ok behaved. Once at home, he literally turns into a fiend.

amisuchabadmummy Mon 01-Jun-09 13:45:56

actually... in the shoe situation this is what i do with my ds.

i ask him to put his shoes on. if he refuses i tell him why he has to put his shoes on, if he still refuses i say im counting to ten and i want him to put his shoes on (i dont impose a sanction, he knows the sanction is he'll be ignored until he does as i ask). stay calm !

if he still hasnt done it i ignore him until he calms down / puts the shoes on.

it means you might be late for the first few times, so mentally prepare yourself for it.

personally i wouldnt force his shoes on as its displaying force/violence. and he hasnt learn to do as he's told, he's been forced to do it.

thats good that he's well behaved outside, it means he knows right from wrong and cares what people think of him.

at home im guessing its probably a power struggle between him and you/your DP.

WinkyWinkola Mon 01-Jun-09 14:34:14

Well, talking of behaving outside the home, just had a call from a friend telling me that last week DS and her DS weed in their toy box. Full of her new baby's soft toys. DS was the ringleader apparently, which I can totally imagine to be the case.

How hacked off would you be having to clean up someone else's p*ss? I wouldn't be happy.

Sigh. It's just mischief I know but after another sh*te morning with him, nothing is getting through, is it? I'm amazed my friend is still happy for us to visit them this week although if DS misbehaves again, we simply won't go anywhere nice. Except that means I'm at home with him, going potty.

amisuchabadmummy Mon 01-Jun-09 15:01:00

you poor thing, i know how you feel.

can you give what i suggest a try? its hard at first but it really turned my DS around...

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