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SAHMs - how do you make youself feel sexy and interesting?

(45 Posts)
iwouldgoouttonight Thu 28-May-09 16:10:13

I'm on maternity leave at the minute and loving spending time with DS and our new DD, but the day to day grind is getting me down. I feel its a never ending toil of housework - washing, cooking, cleaning, changing nappies, feeding, coping with DS's tantrums, etc and I kind of feel like a bit like a slave and get no thanks for any of it!

And then at the end of the day DP wonders why I don't feel like having sex!

When I was going to work at least I got the chance to dress up, do varied things throughout the day, get praised if I did well, etc so felt much better about myself.

I want to enjoy this time with my DCs as I know I'm so lucky to have them and once I go back to work I'll miss them so much, but I'm finding it hard work - my head is full of little worries - how to sort DD's cradle cap, how much should she be feeding, ways of preventing DS's bedtime tantrums, etc, etc and whenever I see friends or spend the evening with DP all I have to talk about is how long it is since DD did a poo!

FigmentOfYourImagination Thu 28-May-09 16:11:46

take up a hobby ?

go to the gym ?

get some help with the housework, whether that comes from paid sources or your DP just helps out more ?

bigchris Thu 28-May-09 16:12:55

I used to watch things like The Wright Stuff while feeding the baby, 9am on five, because they go through some of the headlines and I never had time to read the paper
also getting a haircut while dh looks after the kids at the weekend
meetingup with friends with the kids so you have something to make an effort for can help
can you meet your dh for lunch with the kids maybe?

sarah293 Thu 28-May-09 16:14:29

Message withdrawn

helsbels4 Thu 28-May-09 16:18:17

Blimey, if you're still on maternity leave, give yourself a break! I don't suppose many new mums feels sexy or energetic or can just turn off the days worries as their dp's walk through the door.

My dc's are a bit more "do-able" now (9 and 4) so I don't have the worries of cradle cap, feeding and the like but I remember the days when it was all-consuming and on the rare occasions when we went out, all we talked about were the children!

Can you make one evening a week really special? Maybe ask someone to have the dc's overnight or get them into bed early? Prepare a nice meal with a bottle of wine and relax?

Easier said than done I know. In the blink of an eye, your dc's will be at school etc and you'll wonder why you ever worried smile

heartofgold Thu 28-May-09 16:19:00

when i've had small babies i've not cared in the slightest about being either sexy or interesting, and as for actually having sex, well, that was what got me into that situation in the first place, why would i want to do it again? imo if your h/p has the energy to want some then he isn't pulling his weight with the night shifts/housework

iwouldgoouttonight Thu 28-May-09 16:32:27

Good point about DP mustn't be pulling his weight if he still has energy to want sex, will mention that to him!

I do go to a running club one evening a week and that makes me feel quite good (although I'm always knackered the next day!)

Maybe I'm expecting too much. I think I'm wanting to feel how I did pre-children but with the added bonus of actually having the children. I've tried to explain to DP how I feel but he doesn't seem to really understand why I don't feel sexy. He does sometimes try to help with housework, etc but he's working long hours at the minute so that I can go back to work part-time so I don't feel I can expect him to do the hoovering when he gets in, if I've been at home all day.

screamingabdab Thu 28-May-09 16:33:37

Been there - I too have felt like a slave. And tiredness is a massive, massive thing. Why would you want sex when you can sleep? I also identify with worrying about everything.

Say to your DH "you know what really turns me on - when you do the ironing/washing/put the kids to bed" (delete as appropriate)

Accept sex is not going to be the same. You need to really talk to your DH so he understands how you feel, and listen to how he feels. Sex won't be spontaneous like it was. You may have to plan it. If he is feeling rejected by your lack of interest you may have to work out ways to still be intimate without necessarily having sex.

He needs to appreciate what you do, so try and organise for him to look after the DCs alone, with no help (when I was at the end of my tether with a baby and toddler, we negotiated for me to have every Saturday morning to myself)

Try to get away overnight without the children.

helsbels4 Thu 28-May-09 16:44:30

Ooh I remember the days when dh took the dc's out for a few hours and I thought all my Christmases had come at one grin (still do some days wink)

I do know exactly how you feel but although it doesn't feel like it now, things will settle down to some sort of recognisable normality before you know it.

Just feels like forever when you feel the way you do right now.

iwouldgoouttonight Thu 28-May-09 16:45:32

The more I think about it I'm not particularly bothered about being sexy or interesting, but I feel guilty for not feeling like that when DP would like me to (IYSWIM). I feel as though I should be able to do it all - look after two children, make the house all nice, go out and see friends, and still feel like having a romantic evening at the end of the day.

I'd probably be as happy to watch EastEnders and go to bed early with a good book every day for the rest of my life, but I don't enjoy it as much as I should because at the back of my mind is always the guilt for not feeling like having sex with DP!

screamingabdab Thu 28-May-09 16:58:07

I hear you - I went through I stage where I honestly thought I wouldn't mind never having sex ever again!

I think two things ; While the DCs are little, you are giving so much to them physically and emotionally, and you need someone behind you giving to YOU, to equip you to do that

The trouble is, men have needs for intimacy too, and that's expressed by sex, so the danger is that resentment builds up between you and he gets irritable and annoying so you want to have sex even less ......

He needs to understand that it's not about sex, it's about you both sharing so you can both get your needs met.

Get your DH to cook for you naked.

BonsoirAnna Thu 28-May-09 17:01:17

You need to schedule time in your day for beauty treatments and getting dressed up. Quite honestly, it is easier to do this as a SAHM than as a WOHM...

Actually I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion and that my DH might raise an eyebrow when he sees it and remembers me for the first 6 months of child raising but I think it's important that you don't just define yourself as a mother and that you do find time for you and your DH/DP to spend together even if that means you going please can you do the washing up whilst I do some ironing and then we can BOTH sit down together. That also means you making an effort to maybe shave your legs in the shower and put a little bit of make-up on.

GypsyMoth Thu 28-May-09 17:08:01

I'm actually wondering how mums that work can be sexy and interesting, never mind sahm!!!

All you hear here on MN is stress stress stress from

(not meaning you op, in that observation by the way!)

littlelamb Thu 28-May-09 17:08:37

Oh Anna....
What is she meant to do with the dc while she is swanning around getting beauty treatments done? hmm
It was far easier for me to look after myself as a working mum than a stay at home one. For one thing the regular childcare was already in place, so I could take an afternoon off when dd was in nursery if I really wanted a massage.

heartofgold Thu 28-May-09 17:08:41

it will come back - to a degree, at least - you just have to give it time. my youngest is two (tomorrow ) and i'm just as vivacious and captivating as i ever was grin it certainly helps that a) they're now old enough to leave overnight and b) they have doting - and available - grandparents.

screamingabdab Thu 28-May-09 17:09:02

I agree Libras. If you lose you connection as a couple, then what have you got to give your children?

I think that as a SAHM, though, your life has changed beyond all recognition, whereas DHs hasn't, so he's maybe expecting things to go on as they were before

screamingabdab Thu 28-May-09 17:10:02

My mojo only REALLY came back when DS2 went to school.

BonsoirAnna Thu 28-May-09 17:10:25

I don't mean getting beauty treatments done elsewhere, I mean DIY. Honestly, it's perfectly compatible with small children - they don't care a bit if you are sitting around with a face mask or cuticle remover or body lotion slathered on!

BonsoirAnna Thu 28-May-09 17:11:21

Having said that, DD loves the hairdresser and beautician - she is as good as gold watching me smile

littlelamb a lot of leisure centres have creches and beauty treatment rooms.

daftpunk Thu 28-May-09 17:14:45

you can't "make" yourself sexy & either are or you're not...

screamingabdab Thu 28-May-09 17:18:30

BonsoirAnna I obviously had a different variety of child from you .....grin

BonsoirAnna Thu 28-May-09 17:18:38

BS!!!!!!!! Of course you can work on yourself to make yourself sexy and interesting - a hell of a lot of oneself is within one's own control!

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