How do you

[dorisbonkers]

I am at my wits end and have no idea how to settle my baby without breastfeeding her to sleep.

I haven't read any books although I ripped up a Gina Ford one someone gave me (a decision I may end up regretting!) and I do have the NCSS but that's in bulk shipping and won't reach me for a few weeks as I've just moved from Singapore to London.

Basically I knew I'd be repatriating back to London when she was six months, so I had a 'all bets are off policy' when it came to any sleep/nap training. Until now I've lent towards the AP style and I wear her (don't have a pram) and sleep with her. Plus, she was a little, early baby and slowish gaining weight so I basically NEVER passed up an opportunity to feed her.

All this means that she won't nap without me feeding her to sleep and gingerly putting her down. She often wakes straight up or lasts about 15 mins asleep. She very very rarely goes more than 30 mins for a nap and that's usually when I'm carrying her in a wrap shopping.

Bedtime is becoming a nightmare. She's usually up with us for meals (just started BLW) but then I have to feed her regardless of whenever I last fed her to sleep so I hardly ever get a minute to myself and Mr Bonkers.

She doesn't sleep all the way through the night but generally does last some time.

On some days I'm happy to go with the flow and let her dictate but increasingly I'm feeling utterly drained, unable to sort out the messy flat I've moved back to, or even cook.

Last night was a nightmare. Mr B out for drinks while she kicked and thrashed about in bed for hours. I think I got one or two hour's sleep.

Although as I said I lean towards AP, but I'm at the stage I'm willing to try anything (maybe not crying it out perhaps), so any advice? Thanks from a frustrated and tearful new mother xx

[thisisyesterday]

personally i found it much easier to go with the flow! sleep training is a bit of a ngihtmare.

that said, we had some success with NCSS when ds2 was about 9 or 10 months old.
at that stage he was still feeding at LEAST every 2 hours, usually more frequently.
i did manage to get him self settling when i first put him to bed, but he wouldn't do it in the nighttime.
and i cut down on nightfeeds, but he still woke and needed settling, jsut didn't need the feed!

he has just started sleeping through by himself at 18m and i've done nmothiung aside from that original play with NCSS.

one thing I did find helped was that after I had fed him to sleep, i needed to lay beside him for a good 10 mins. that made sure he was in a real proper deep sleep and wouldn't wake the moment I moved away. i would also roll my jumper up beside him where I had been laying to minimise disruption and so that he could smell me.
def helped him go longer for that first bit of evening after settling him down

[Wonderstuff]

How old is she? My dd was a total velcro baby and fed to sleep and has only just (at 18mo) started to sleep through, I have no magic answers but along the way we have done a few things that have helped.
Have you tried a dummy, my dd was feeding constantly but for a while was happy to take a dummy when she wasn't hungry. My mum got her to take it, she initially wouldn't take it from me, I was gutted at about 7months when she decided she didn't want it any more.
Me going away and dh settling her seemed to help a bit, we got to the point where he would be able to get her to sleep.
To get more sleep at night we streched out feeds, deciding not to feed between say 12 and 4. She wasn't happy about it and we had a few rough nights but she eventually accepted it. I now only feed at night if she is ill, otherwise I shush pat and she has accepted it now and goes off quickly.

[DunderMifflin]

Firstly, poor you . We've all felt like this before - you're not alone or a bad mother.

One thing I would say is to ignore the books and go with your instinct - I find they make me more insecure and question my skills/decisions.

I know you may be totally against this, but with my DS (2nd child) I let him cry for 10mins one night just to see what would happen. It was horrible for us but he settled himself - it never occurred to me to let my DD (1st child..!) do this. At the first noise I would intervene - DS is a much better night time sleeper than she was.

I'm not saying this is cause and effect (he's a much better eater too which I'm sure helps him sleep) but just that you may want to try it - your DD won't remember crying and it could work.

[DunderMifflin]

I also agree with Wonderstuff about deciding what times you're not going to feed between (but going with the flow during times of illness or other disruption).

[hellymelly]

She just sounds like a baby! my younger wakes more than that and she is 24m.You seem a loving and really attentive mother so maybe it is just a question of accepting that all babies are pretty much like this .I fed on demand and never really noticed how often I was feeding in the daytime,I don't like being woken some horrendous number of times at night but I know she will sleep through at some point.Forget about the messy flat.Most people with babies have to ignore the mess (my house today looks like I have been burgled.) Everyone has nightmare bedtimes and days when they feel at the end of their tether.It gets easier,and the more you just accept the chaos and enjoy your lovely baby the better you feel.

[Wonderstuff]

And keep reminding yourself, it is just a phase, she will be sleeping on her own in her own bed before she leaves for college!!

I was stressing about best weaning and sleep training ideas and my mum said well you and your brother (now 30 and 27) are now pretty good at eating and sleeping. Really we do all get it eventually.

[dorisbonkers]

Apols, I pressed enter before typing the whole title

[MissisBoot]

could you hand her over to your dh and leave him to settle her - I was the same and found it sooooo difficult at the end of each day when dd had spent most of teh day attached to me and I just wanted a break.

I used to give dd her last bf then hand her over to dh making sure she was still awake.

He used to hold her closely til she was settled then put her down in the cot and put his hands around her body and hold her securely til she fell asleep - at first it took him about 30 mins to get her to go off, sometimes she as he lifted his hands off her she'd wake again so he went back to holding her. After a few weeks the time spent holding her lessened til eventually she'd fall asleep almost instantly or learn to settle herself.

It was quite difficult at first as when he was trying to get her to settle I'd be desperate to go in and help him as I know she'd sense the milk etc.

I think as well that sometimes you just need some space from your children especially in the early days when you are spending a lot of time bf. Do you think it might be worth trying her in a cot then she has her own space and you won't wake her when you come to bed and she won't wake you when she's thrashing around?

[dorisbonkers]

Thanks guys for the reassurance and the tips. Yes, staying with her on the bed for longer has worked in the past (I've just not stuck with it obviously, plus the distruption of moving from Asia to London this week hasnt helped). She's 6-1/2 months, by the way.

MissisBoot, I will try putting her back in the Amby bed (I try to get her into it most evenings) when she wakes for a night feed.

Thanks. Part of me is worrying she's so small because she doesn't sleep much. I also hear from so many people that I need to train her,but surely if you're going down the baby-led route, then you have to go with the flow of her sleep patterns, and accept the downsides and enjoy the nice parts of that?

[thisisyesterday]

well, my non-sleeper was a giant boy so don't think you have any worries there

go with what feels right to you. aside frm my brief spell of NCSS that I mentioned before I've never done any kind of training with my kids and they're both fine

[MissisBoot]

I think that you can find a happy medium between babyled and a happy parent - sometimes your needs as a mother must come first if you are going to be able to enable your child to find their own patterns that enable them to grow into healthy happy human beings.