I'm just not helping and don't know how to....

[Flowertop]

Often written on here about DS1 (10) have always found him to be difficult and rejects any help you try to give him. He lacks self confidence and self esteem and walks around with his shoulders down and head on the floor. He attends karate which we thought would be a good idea as the teachers are very hot on positive body language and using positive language around people. He says he likes karate but it is still not helping him with his negative belief about himself and those around him. He is such a good looking boy which I tell him so often but it's like his wants to self adestruct and won't allow you to try to help him. i have suggested that he try to pretend he is feeling confident around people and use the appropriate body language to show that he is not feeling intimidated (which he very easily is) but he won't take anything I suggest on board. I watch him and feel so upset knowing that if he doesn't try to help himself he is going to have a miserable time. He moans constantly if anything is remotely amiss and is the most negative person I know. It makes me feel such a failure as I set out on this journey with a promise that I would do by utmost to instill confidence in my children - but I have gone so wrong with him. His brother is the opposite and never ever gives up. Always cheerful and full of fun. I never compare the two but DS1 is concerning me. I need some suggestions of how we can turn this around please particulary if you have had these types of issues with your own child.
Thanks for listening.

[morningsun]

I think trying to engender good friendships with his age or a boy a year older could help.
Also as he gets older what interests him the most?~ music,a musical instrument or being in a band? if he's sporty thats easy but if he's not so sporty music/warhammer/rollerblading etc~depends on his interests.

I think the main thing is to mix and have friends,also to feel that he is good at something.
Sometimes shy boys can stay home a lot but actually benefit a lot from friends and interests~ if you can get them to go.

[Flowertop]

Thanks MS. I think at his age it becomes increasingly hard for the parent to nurture and foster good friendships as they are old enough to choose who they hang out with. He does play football and on a good day can be good and support the team. On a bad day it appears that he can't be bothered and moans about the other team players saying how crap they are. He gets substitued for his negative attitude and then moans for the whole afternoon about how unfair it all is. He just doesn't get it and blames the whole world for anything that affects him negatively. I know I am showing him in bad light to MN readers but am giving you an insight to how my son is the majority of the time and how I just want to reach out to him to help make life easier for him. On a good day he can be sunny and amusing. These are rare days.

[morningsun]

well if they are rare days thats good.
At 10/11,they can start to challenge the ideas of those in authority like teachers or coaches~I remember in yr 6 my ds and friends saying it was so unfair they were kept in at lunchtime due to other childrens behaviour etc~it is unfair in a way isn't it and they get more aware.
My son at this age had a friend in the yr above whose mum was my friend and the younger sisters also played together~if that sort of thing is possible,grab it with both hands as it helped my ds as the older boy was very well behaved.
I know you can't alter their school friends but if he has weekend friends try and encourage the best behaved and most positive ones to be the ones who come on outings/stayover.
Are there any fun activities you could use as a reward for having a cooperative attitude such as a bbq/sleepover,bowling,paintballing[expensive i know]
sounds like you are already being encouraging,i think at this age doing things works,talking about his interests,outings with you and him,not just he and his friends,looking forward and pencilling in some things on the calendar to do.