I hate being a parent.

[TitsUp]

I am ashamed to admit this, but I feel like I have made a terrible mistake in having a child. I never really bonded with DS and am sick of all the sick, snot, lack of sleep, destruction, chaos and general lack of freedom, though he is cute sometimes. I am not depressed, I just don't want this life. I want my old life with my well paid career and fast car not a boring p/t job, sick all over my clothes and bloody sensible estate car.

Should I give him up for adoption as I am such a selfish useless cow, or will I feel differently in time? I fear I am not cut out to be a mother and don't want to ruin his life.

Everyone keeps telling me, when I mention how difficult it all is, that things just get worse!

[rubyslippers]

do you have a partner?

how old is your DS?

it is not unusual to mourn the passing of your old life (pre children)

[Podrick]

Tell us more - how old is ds, do you have a partner, can you go back to working full time?

[TitsUp]

Yes I have a partner. DS is 2 years old.

[TitsUp]

I could work full time, but when I get home I need some space, otherwise it like working 24/7.

[Podrick]

OK ,so you could get the well paid job and fast car back?

And then pay for some babysitting in the evenings and at weekends maybe?

How does your dp feel about being a dad, and does he leave everything to you?

[scrooged]

Did you find it difficult to bond with him when he was born?

[Podrick]

I think you will get more freedom back by degrees as ds gets older - age 2 is "terrible twos" - a notoriously hard work stage!

[TitsUp]

My partner tries to muck in but just ends up contradicting any (much needed) discipline I try to impose. DS is running wild and having his tantrums given into.

[TitsUp]

Scrooged, yes I did, I felt/ feel like I was/am looking after someone else's baby/ child. I suppose I have grown to now, logically, that he is mine, but my feelings are not right.

[Podrick]

Also some people love babies especially, others like tinies, others prefer school age or above.

[TitsUp]

grown to accept I meant

[scrooged]

This won't be helping you if the discipline is not consistent, it'll be giving your son mixed messages. This is something you need to discuss with dh as it will get alot easier if you work as a team.

[Podrick]

What about some parenting classes with the aim of making it more enjoyable and less tiring to be at home with your ds?

[TitsUp]

The tragedy is that I never expected to feel this way so made the decision to step away from my career and be a SAHM. I realised this would not work and ended up in a boring dead end job which is beneath me and driving me crazy with boredom and frustration. I feel so under-valued and as if I am selling myself short and my brain is going to rot. I am so sorry if that sounds conceited, it's not meant to, just that the job is not right for me and has no challenge or stimulation, yet it would be difficult now to get back to my old career as I have taken a general dead end role in the interim.

[TitsUp]

What would be the impact on my son in later life if he was brougt up by and lived with his grandparents? Would he hate me?

[Ivykaty44]

Does your dp know how you feel?

[scrooged]

Parenting classes are a good idea. They hand you a baby at the hospital and expect you to know what to do. Madness!!!

You're finding it hard because

A) the discipline is inconsistent as you and dh are not working as a team

B) (I'm guessing here) You have not bonded with him and are unsure of his temprament. You need to establish a connection with him in order to understand his personality and get to know him. It's like any relationship, you have to get to know each other. If he feels like you don't have time for him and would rather be somewhere else then it's natural that he'll be child from hell and this will make you more unhappy because you won't 'get' the thing's he's doing. Small children are often naughty because they want your attention, it can be hard to turn this into positive attention if you feel (this isn't your fault by the way) like your child's a creature from another planet. Your best bet is to take baby steps in this, you are both still learning. Sit on the floor and play with him, see where it takes you. What does he like to do?

[acebaby]

TU - 2 year olds can be awful. It honestly honestly gets better when they are older. DS1 is 3.8 and is happily playing with his cars while DH reads the paper and I am on the internet (obviously!). At 2, he wouldn't leave me alone for a single minute. He can now wipe his own nose, is rarely sick, and is basically a normal human being. He is not an easy child by any means, and I am not a natural mother, but in the last few months there has been an enormous improvement.

If your DS has grandparents that he gets on with, and who are willing to have him, why not send him to them for a weekend a month and have some time to yourself? I honestly think that you should give it a year before you make any drastic decisions or decide you have made a dreadful mistake.

[Babbity]

is there any scope for you to go back into your old job and go full time? I work FT with 2 young children. I'm sure some people think I must be a terrible mother as I don't have to work as much as I do but I cannot stand the messy stage and am happy to pay someone else to do it so I can do the fun bits. Still stressful but so much morre enjoyable as they get older and you can have proper conversations with them. 2 is a really tough age; I feel for you.

[TitsUp]

What does he like to do? Pull apart things he's not supposed to. He has loads of toys but ignores them and empties cupbaords and wants to play with plates etc.

I am not sure how to access parenting classes?

DP knows I am unhappy and unfulfilled at work but doesn't know 100% how I feel about ds, although I have (half) jokingly said I wish I'd never had him.

[TitsUp]

Also, scrooged, I don't like playing with him. I just want to do my own thing. I feel so sorry about it, but ATM I feel as if he is just a terrible inconvenience.

[scrooged]

It's alright.

They are really not very good at entertaining themselves at this age so he will be into everything, he's watching you in the kitchen and is curious to find out what you are doing. You do need to sit and play with him, he won't be able to play by himself until at least nursery. They are really easy to distract at 2 though, a can, a box and a wooden spoon whilst you are in the kitchen can make so much noise (which is good, when the noise stops you know he's up to mischief)
Are there any toddler groups you can take him too? It will get him away from the kitchen and will give you a chance to get you out of the house.

Your health visitor can help with the classes.

[Podrick]

"Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen is a great book about how to enjoy playing with your child - for lots of us it's a learnt skill not an instinct.

All the feelings you have at the moment are very important and I think you need to do more with them than air them on mumsnet. I think you should access professional support.

[TitsUp]

Podrick, what do you mean by professional support? I am not depressed, I have just made a mistake which has far reaching consequences (for both me and ds).

[scrooged]

Sorry if I'm being harsh but you wanting to do your own thing is part of the problem and isn't helping your relationship with him. If you want to change the way you see him then you need to make the first move. The grandparents are an option but it will come back and bite you on the bum. I'd be inclined to try and work with what you have. You do have the option of working full time but this isn't going to make things better for either of you. I do completely understand how you feel. It's really not that easy but it does take time and patience. You can get the grandparents to take over, there's no shame in admitting that this was a mistake but it really is a very drastic route so maybe you need to try and bond with him first and take it from there.