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Parenting

Sleepovers - how well do you have to know the parents to agree to one?

14 replies

EllieG · 07/03/2009 11:52

DSD has been invited to a sleepover at the house of a new girl in her class. DSD does not make friends easily and so we have been encouraging this friendship as she is a really nice little girl. We have had the girl to play, and DSD has been there in the day. Mum and step-Dad seem nice, though according to the girl (so DSD says)he is a bit shouty at times.
I have spoken to the parents plenty and they know I am a social worker, as they have picked my brains about his concerns about his ex's custody of his daughter etc etc.

So they seem fine.

BUT - I am a suspicious person by nature of my work, and by generally being a parent. And I don't really know them, however pleasant they seem. I don't want to wrap DSD up in cotton wool and I know most people are fine and she has always really enjoyed going there. I will never be mates with these people as nice though they are, it's not that kind of relationship, we don't have much in common. DSD knows about telling us if anything made her uncomfy or unhappy. I don't want to stop DSD becoming more independent or nip a promising friendship in the bud.

So - do I let her go? Would you?

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EllieG · 07/03/2009 12:03

Bump - need an answer soon please!

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MIAonline · 07/03/2009 12:32

It depends how old your your DD is. I am not a fan of sleepovers but am also nowhere near this stage myself, and like you I am also not quick to trust. I wouldn't especially as you don't feel comfortable. They don't need a sleepover to keep the friendship going, just try and arrange activities they would both enjoy doing together.

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neversaydie · 07/03/2009 12:37

It must be particularly difficult given your job because you are so aware of situations where things go wrong. But I think a lot of children adore sleepovers (my son does - both a guest and as host) and it is a little bit of independence in a relatively safe situation.

If what you know of them seems good (albeit different) then your dsd is likely to benefit (and have a lovely time) even if it isn't just like home. Or especially if it isn't just like home. I'd let her go.

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cece · 07/03/2009 13:29

I think it would depend on her age TBH. Persoanlly I am not keen on sleepovers and I don't think they are necessary for keeping a freindship going...

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EllieG · 07/03/2009 15:57

She is ten. And very sensible.

Oh dear - still not sure...

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frogs · 07/03/2009 16:07

She's ten?! Blimey, I thought you were talking about a 5yo.

If she's been invited and she wants to go, then you should let her, imo. Bear in mind that in a couple of year's time she'll be in secondary school and you'll have very much less control over where she goes and who with. The kids who are most likely to kick over the boundaries and do things behind their parents' backs at that stage are the ones whose parents haven't given them age-appropriate freedoms.

what on earth do you think is going to happen to her on a sleepover with a classmate who's parents appear to be normal, sensible human beings?

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FlorenceofArabia · 07/03/2009 18:30

Lots of child abusers appear to be "normal, sensible human beings", frogs.

My DD is 4 and too young for sleepovers but when she does go on them my main fear will be that the hosts don't have working smoke alarms in their house!

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RumMum · 07/03/2009 18:34

I'd say let her go as well...
do you have a spare mobile so she can ring you if need be...

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Tinker · 07/03/2009 18:36

I think if you've actually met them (and not been scared of them) I would say yes.

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ScummyMummy · 07/03/2009 18:37

Agree with tinker and frogs.

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dingledangle · 07/03/2009 18:47

What did you intially feel when you met the parents?

There is something that is making you doubt it otherwise you would not have put it on here.

What are the worries you have?

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colie · 07/03/2009 20:10

Are you not happy at dsd saying friends step dad is a bit "shouty". I would try and ask her more about that.

I do agree with your fears though. I am really not looking forward to the time when my dd's start wanting to sleep over at friends. Dd1 wanted to sleep at best friends across the road and vice versa and I just said they were far too young for all that.

At 10 you can't really say that. I stayed at quite alot of different girls houses at this age and up and was always fine. I asked my Dad how he knew he could trust these other girls parents and he told me this, which I think is quite sensible.

if the friend seems like a "normal" little girl, you have met her quite a few times and feel she is fine then you have to trust I suppose and let your child stay over. I remember my friend from guides she was about 11, staying over at mine once and she always sort of smelled of urine. Not that I thought much of it at the time. Now with hindsight I realise I never stayed over at hers.

I suppose what he is saying is you have to go with your instinct. I know it is hard. I use to worry when dd1 was a toddler about the " going for tea at someone else's house". I thought how do people trust others.

Before any of my daughters stay at their friends houses I will want an up to date crb, for every member of the immediate and extended family. .

I would not be happy at dd's sleeping over if I had only met the girl once and only met parents once. Could you possibly talk to dsd and tell her you feel it would be more sensible to have friend back for tea, go to pictures etc a few more times before sleep overs start.

Possibly a social work thing, as this is what I want to do as well, but I definately agree with your feelings on this subject.

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frogs · 07/03/2009 20:41

Florence -- yes, obviously most sex abusers appear normal sensible people. However, since your child is going to grow up at some point, and you will no longer have much, if any, control over who they hang out with and what they do, your duty as a parent is to equip your child with the life skills to make good decisions and keep themselves safe.

If you are still forbidding your 10yo to go on sleepovers on the offchance (a) that one of their parents or family friends might be a serial sex-offender and (b) that said sex-offender is lightly to commit a violent sex act on your child on the basis of one overnight stay, then you are likely not equipping your child with a set of fully-functioning life skills. Because the odds on that are miniscule compared with, say, the odds on your child suffering sexual abuse, at the hands of a member of your extended family or a family friend.

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EllieG · 08/03/2009 10:08

Thanks for input everyone - we let her go. I think I was being somewhat over-cautious and needed a reality check. I guess the problem is, in my work I only see the rotten sides of people so I have a tendency to think normal people have ulterior motives. I took your point frogs about equipping her with those life-skills, and I talked to her about telling us immediately if she goes anywhere at anything happens, if other parent bit mean or overly-shouty or anything that makes her uncomfy, but without spookingn her. (Bty - it was the 'shouty' bit that bothered me a bit too - but we discussed this too and is fine)

So she went, and I just have to trust people (and my own instincts) a bit more I think. LIke you say, in a couple of years will have so much less control than this.