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please help,i lost it with ds and i dont feel anything for him

(47 Posts)
flippedmummy Wed 13-Apr-05 17:26:39

my ds is nearly 6 and has always tested the limits. I feel so bad. I had a bad birth experience with him and the more i think about it the more i am sure that i never really bonded with him. i could almost say i don't love him. he has just done nothing but answer back and be stroppy, calling me a liar and a pig since the second he got home from school and i lost it. I grabbed his arms and made him look at me and shouted at him really loudly and told him if he ever talked to me like that again i would send him to live with someone else and sent him to his room. i made him apologise for being naughty and i apologised to him for being so horrid. I said that when he shouts at me it makes me feel like a bad mummy, the same as when i shout at him he feels like he is a bad kid. he gave me a hug (for the first time in a long time) and then went and played nicely. Since I have started writing this though he has yelled at his brother and squeezed his arm really tightly it has marked him. I have told him that it is wrong and sent him to the corner to chill out. I am sat here crying now. He has never shown me any affection. Even my bedtime kisses get wiped off. Not once has he put his arms around me of his own accord or said i love you mummy. He loves his dad to bits, that much its obvious. How can I hate my own son? I don't feel anything for him and TBH i don't think I ever did. What kind of parent am I, apart from a terrible one

WideWebWitch Wed 13-Apr-05 17:34:33

If you don't think you've ever really liked him -if you do really feel that - I should think he's picked up on it tbh and it wouldn't be surprising if you had a difficult relationship. Have you really never felt any love or affection for him? Because if you truly haven't and have shown it (and let's face it, it would be hard not to with someone you spend so much time with), well, it's very sad indeed for both of you. He's yelling and squeezing his brother's arm because that's what you did to him. He's copying. He can't have always been like this surely? I don't know what else to suggest but perhaps if you tell us more we can help.

BROWNY Wed 13-Apr-05 17:37:09

I'm sure every mum loses it now and again - I lost it last night too with my dd2 who's 7 and half. She constantly answers me back (not her dad - who she thinks is Mr Wonderful), is cheeky and tells barefaced lies.

After a bad few days (and me in pain with backache) I warned her not to make so much noise or she'd go to bed early - well the noise carried on and fighting with he sister too, so I put her to bed - she was protesting very loudly and making herself sick with crying. Her dad heard and was about to go upstairs to "calm her down". "What about me", I screamed. He doesn't back me up when it comes to dd - so I told him if he gave her a cuddle, I'd be out of the door!. Well he still went up to see her, he didn't cuddle her, but told her that it was bedtime and to apologise to me - which she did.

I felt absolutely awful for shouting (and losing control) but something just snapped - I'm sick of asking her to do things three, four and five times - I'm trying hard, but it seems she just wants to be naughty with me!

I know it is very difficult to show a consistently naughty child that you love them, but always at the end of the day she says I'm the best mummy every, which is lovely!

flippedmummy Wed 13-Apr-05 17:39:17

I have tried to be a good mother. All I wanted was to love him, but right now that is so difficult. he has always ignored and hurt me and his brother.

flippedmummy Wed 13-Apr-05 17:43:58

see thats the difference browny, ds has never said anything like that to me. ever.

WideWebWitch Wed 13-Apr-05 17:45:46

But flippedmummy, it's not surprising if you really have never loved him and have shown it! But maybe I misunderstood your first post?

flippedmummy Wed 13-Apr-05 17:48:20

I have. I have tried to cuddle him and make a fuss of him but everytime, he pushes me away, or if hes doing something and I show interest, or he gets stuck, he wont let me help. its always 'daddy will do it' Never me. never mummy

WideWebWitch Wed 13-Apr-05 17:49:07

What, since he was born though?

BROWNY Wed 13-Apr-05 17:50:16

FlippedMummy - has your ds's dad tried to talk to him about his behaviour with you and explained that it's making his mummy very unhappy? Does he have any problems with the children in his class or his teachers at school?

flippedmummy Wed 13-Apr-05 17:53:50

yes WWW. honestly. browny his dad has tried endless times to talk to him. He doesnt have any problems with other people that i am aware of. i could easily just leave home right now

batters Wed 13-Apr-05 17:56:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katierocket Wed 13-Apr-05 17:58:06

I definitely think you sound depressed and obviously a traumatic birth has made it difficult for you to bond with him from the start. I'm sure that with some professional help you can get start to build a relationship with him. have you seen a GP?

BROWNY Wed 13-Apr-05 18:04:16

I feel so very sorry for you [[[[hugs]]]], have you ever discussed your feelings towards your ds with your HV or doctor - you do seem very low - with good reason. I know there are very good child psychologists around (sp) they could help, maybe you could go along and have a little talk to your G.P., you'd feel so much better for talking about it and your G.P. would be able to offer lots of support and advice, maybe referring you and your family for counselling, please take yourself along, it can only help

aloha Wed 13-Apr-05 18:07:51

In the meantime it might help to pretend you love him desperately and act as if you do - ie cuddle him, tell him you love him, ruffle his hair, praise him ALL THE TIME. It's hard to do this when you are sad, tired, stressed etc but I think it does work. I have a horrible temper and I really have to work at keeping it under control sometimes, and sometimes I fail. But one trick that does work for me is when I feel like hurling ds out of a window over some minor irritation (which I DON"T do, before someone calls social services..) I give him a cuddle and roll about with him a bit. Obviously I wouldn't do this if he was hitting or something, but it works if his normal behaviour (yapping non stop, asking the same question 1000 times etc) is winding me up.
I do agree with www - why would he spontaneously cuddle someone who doesn't like or love him? He is your child - he doesn't owe you anything, you have to be the one to show love, and be the parent.
Also agree you may be depressed - you do sound it - and a trip to the gp may well help you more than you can imagine.

lunavix Wed 13-Apr-05 18:23:55

flippedmummy - are you a regular MNer?

debs26 Wed 13-Apr-05 18:29:54

i sort of know what you mean, i failed to bond with ds1 after he was born but things have worked out quicker for me than you. of course you love him (imagine if someone tried to hurt him). sounds like you need to talk to dh, get him to take other ds out while you do something nice together (cooking cake, painting). dont try anything too lovey dovey but share experiences and he will become more willing to accept kisses and hugs as you get to know each other better. dont beat yourself up about losing it with him, every one does that occasionally - the fact that you feel bad shows you do care!

blueteddy Wed 13-Apr-05 18:38:00

I am sat her crying due to losing it with my ds (5) for similar reasons.
He has not been doing as he is told since coming home from school & has started to get really cheeky & answer me back.
After watching Super Nanny last night I was all set with good intentions this morning.
I made a tick chart for him (which had a cross on before leaving for school this morning!) & was not going to shout anymore.
He has pushed me to the limit since coming home from school & I have ended up losing it.
I have now sent him to his room, where he is screaming his head off.
I feel like the worst mother in the world.
I have always loved him, but just don't feel on top of things at all.
I know I have not been much help, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

miranda2 Wed 13-Apr-05 18:53:48

Oh God, I watched Supernanny last night and felt AWFUL! My ds is nowhere near as bad as Nat was, and I don't give in to tantrums, but when he winds me up I totally lose it. I was horrified to see how appalled Supernanny was by Clare giving him a quick slap on the bum - goodness knows what she'd think of me! It made me think long and hard about my temper and my responsibility to control it.
I think the suggestion of pretending to love him and acting 'as if' is a really good one - I use this when ds is having a bad patch and I really feel little for him as he is driving me round the bend, and it does work like magic. I also second the suggestion of seeing your gp, if this is depression (which it does sound like) then you'll probably be amazed at the differnece medication would make.

blueteddy Wed 13-Apr-05 19:21:37

Oh no, my ds is NO WAY near as bad as the child in the programme last night!
I would have had a break down by now if he was!
I felt really sorry for the poor Mum.

Trifle Wed 13-Apr-05 19:26:00

Flipped mummy - know exactly what you are saying as I have a ds1 (age 5) that I feel exactly the same way about. I too think it stems from an horrendous birth, weeks upon weeks to recouperate and then not having a clue what the f..k to do with him. I never told ds1 that I loved him until he was 4 years old and even then he said it to me first which totally floored me. I have to take a deep breath when dealing with him and will openly admit to have been overly agressive with him until about the last year when his tantrums have decreased and he has got more ability to control and be reasoned with. I agree that you do need to take a deep breath and cuddle him alot, sit him on your lap after school and give him your undivided attention as to what he has been doing etc, constantly praise him even though it does not come spontaneously, you have to make a conscious effort to be endlessly attentive and caring etc. The crunch came for me last week when ds1 complained to his dad that he knew I preferred ds2 as he could tell with the way I spoke to him etc. Very sad really. I have made an effort over the last year and it has paid off as things have improved alot although obviously I need to keep working on it. I personally dont think medication will do a jot of difference.

sahara Thu 14-Apr-05 07:59:53

I understand what you mean. I know that somewhere in me is a form of love for my Ds1 (6yrs). Thinking of him hurt tears me up.
But most of the time I really don't like him.
He is rude and aggressive. Most of the time he does nothing but cause fights with his brother.
My list of what he does goes on, anyone with a child with a behaviour disorder will understand the way it's never ending.
A social worker asked me to say something nice about him, to describe my son to her in a posistive light.
I was stumped, i truly couldn't think of anything. In the end I said "he's affectionate".
I didn't tell her how most of the time I'm too angry to accept his cuddles, how from the day he was born I have struggled to bond with him. How I pull away when he tries to cuddle me because I always think he is just trying another tactic to manipulate me.
Sometimes I believe that he might be better off elsewhere as this type of rejection, no matter how hard I try not to show it, is just going to end up screwing him up for life. I am on meds and have ben for years, and on a good day I am a good mum, but my life is more bad days than good.
this is your post so I will try not to hijack it with my problems. I was actuallu going to start a thread about this same subject but was afraid I would be classed instantly like an awful mum for having these feelings. I can't help you but I know how you feel

Dior Thu 14-Apr-05 20:54:05

Message withdrawn

chloemummy Fri 15-Apr-05 11:47:40

Flippedmummy - I really suggest going to your GP. In my area they have a service called the Child and Family Consultation Clinic. You are assigned as social worker who comes to talk to you and they can see you one to one and also with your child. They can assess both you and your child and find out what your needs are.... I agree with the ladies above meds will not do a jot.... I think it is the way you relate to each other... The social worker has at her disposal many other professionals for e.g. speech and language therapists, child psychologists all the profs possible and between y ou and the social worker together you will come up with a plan.... I thhink it is very brave of you to admit that you have a problem and lets face it it would be easier to sort out now then say in 10 years timel... Good Luck... btw heath visitor can refer you - dont have to go to dr or nursery manager - some prof who sees that you could benefit from it.... From my experience it is the best thing I ever did although did not have the same probs as you...

Toothache Fri 15-Apr-05 11:54:06

I am quite shocked and saddened from what I've read here.

Flippedmummy - My ds wipes my kisses off too!! He's not doing it to hurt you, kids just don't think like that. You are the adult here and you have the ability to deliberately hurt him, which as others have mentioned is clearly having an impact on his behaviour.

Do you 'love' your other child? If you openly and genuinely show you love one child and not the other then it's not surprising how he is behaving. I don't know how you can make this different, but I do know that he must be sad, lonely, confused and hurt little boy. I hope you get lots of great advice as to how you can help him!

Hermione1 Mon 18-Apr-05 11:17:02

I really feel for you fm, because i never felt i bonded too well with my second child, and had not problems with my dd, but with my ds i found him to be really difficult. I think i fooled myself into thinking he would be easy because his sister was, so when he wasn't it came as a shock. My mum used to make it look so easy when ds was concerned. He was a difficult baby, didn't sleep well, didn't eat well from bottle or food. He is very very stubborn, and thinking about it, so am i, so he's very much like me and we clash alot, well did do. He is now 5 and as the time goes on it gets better and better. You've got to turn it around try to be positive even if he pushes you away keep at it, and hopefully eventually he'll get the message. If you are always being negative towards him it is no wonder he is negative back, because thats all he knows. I am not critisising you at all, because i went through a similar thing. You got to be strong and the love will come and you'll look back and wonder why you ever didn't love him. Keep trying. Can you talk to your health visitor there might be support groups out there that might help? HOpe you can sort it out.

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