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MIL hinting about when im going back to work

(19 Posts)
mum2sam Wed 13-Apr-05 10:40:38

My baby is coming up for 7mths and now my mil has started hinting about me going back to work. Shes trying everything from when are you going back to work, it would do you good to mix with adults and then she had the cheek to say you cant live off dh forever you have to bring some money in sometime! The thing is my dh is on a good wage we are not loaded but we are not struggling either.

My dh also works away alot or will be and I feel it is unfair to our ds for both of us to work under these circumstances.I have been feeling very low lately and do get bored of the rountine but I know I would miss ds dearly if I went back.

My mil is very interferring and I feel she is anxious for me to go back to work purely so she can look after ds.Shes the sort of person who would treat ds as her own and would love to rub things in to me such as what I had missed or how much ds loves her! She would love his first word to be nana has she repeats it to him about 20 times when she sees him.

The thing is shes made me feel like im being lazy and that im not contributing whilst dh is working hard.I have always been independent so relying on my dh wage is a big deal for me it took me months before I would draw money out without him. I dont buy hardly ne thing for myself.But then thats ths sacrifice ive made to be a sahm. But now shes made me feel like im scrounging off him.

Marina Wed 13-Apr-05 10:49:04

You cannot win with MILs. Half of them speak with forked tongues on the perils of daycare and the other half depict their SAHM DILs as idle slackers.
You don't need to work, mum2sam, you have the additional factor of a dh who works are NOT a scrounger. You are NOT "living off" dh. You have made parenting choices which work for you as a family.
7 months is a funny time, I remember it well - they are often frustrated they can't crawl, and need a lot of entertaining. But it's a phase that passes quickly, and as soon as he is mobile you have summers in the park to look forward to and soft play areas etc.
I work full-time outside the home for financial reasons only and miss my two such a lot. You stick to your guns until you feel the time is right for you to look for paid work.

beansprout Wed 13-Apr-05 10:53:38

Mum2Sam - despite the illusion your MIL is labouring under, it is not actually her business. You are not even struggling and you and dh are entitled to make the right decisions for you as a family, without anyone else's input. There are thousands of women out there who are at work and are being tutted at by their MILs, so we will never win!!! Please, please, do what is best for you and your family and don't try to please someone who thinks she has a say in this.

Gobbledigook Wed 13-Apr-05 10:56:29

Bloody hell - what could be more important than bringing up your own child!? Tell her to bog off!

Pinotmum Wed 13-Apr-05 11:04:33

I'd tell her you're have no intention of ever going back just to wind her up. My mil was like this. I was supposed to return o work after having my first baby and I used to hear her saying to dh "in my day we just stayed at home with our children but young mums today want it all". I was then given redundancy and was overjoyed to be able to stay at home and she used to ask when was I going back as it was a big responsibility for dh to provide for us on one wage. As Marina said you just can't win so have some fun at her expense, I do

Dannie Wed 13-Apr-05 11:28:04

Ask her if she's offering free childcare

vict17 Wed 13-Apr-05 11:30:39

Get your dh to have a quiet word with her to stop her nagging you about it. Or start talking about how if you went back to work your ds would go into nursery anyway

logic Wed 13-Apr-05 11:38:50

Don't feel pressured into going back to work. It is none of her business. The cheek of the woman!

FairyMum Wed 13-Apr-05 11:47:38

Marina is right, you can't win and it's none of her business. She definatly doesn't sound like a MIL I would let look after my child. She sounds annoying!

Eaney Wed 13-Apr-05 11:52:13

Why do people hint. It drives me crazy. If she think you should go back to work why can't she say it out straight so that you can tell her exactly what you think.

I had the opposite I knew my MIL disapproved of my working (I did not want to-who does?) but she never said it out straight so that I could give her a reality check. Also never hinted at her son only me.

I am getting less tolerant now and if I think people are talking in code I ask them outright if they are really saying X.

Maddison Wed 13-Apr-05 13:48:23

It's none of her business - did she go back to work after she had her kid(s)? Just that many mothers from that generation stayed at home to raise the children, do housework etc. If she did stay at home then technically she 'lived off her DH' aswell.

She actually sounds like my FIL - I was made redundant in December when I was 16 wks pg, I'm now 35+5 and he has already asked me if I'm going back to work after the baby is born .

I went back to work when DS1 was 7 months old and feel like I've missed out on so much.

Sorry about the rant but people like this really p!$s me off

notmyself Wed 13-Apr-05 14:18:36

Mums2sam - We must have the same mil! My mil said that I had a heart of stone because I was planning to go back to work p/t when ds is one. Now I have decided not to go back and she says that I will have to get a cleaning job because it is too much financial pressure on dh! She also says grandma to him 20 times when she sees him, she tells everyone that he gave her his first smile (he gave it to mummy!) and he has recently started to say mummy and she is the only person that says it does not sound like mummy.

How on earth have women like these managed to breed such lovely sons?

expatinscotland Wed 13-Apr-05 14:22:51

Before you tell her to minde her own business, tell her you're his wife, not his lackey or hostage. Remind her that marriage is a partnership, not a contract of indentured servitude. That 'earn your keep' crap really gets my dander up. It's such a load of bollucks and no one but you are your spouse know fully what goes on in your own home and your own marriage.

Rarrie Sun 17-Apr-05 13:56:56

If you think its only about her babysitting and you have no real intention of actually going back to work, why not arrange to go and visit a few nurseries? Or at least talk about it? You don't actually have to have any intention about going back to work - but make it clear to your MIL when you go back to work, your child goes to nursery (whether you actually would or not) and make the implication clear that this would mean that she would see even less of your child - as she couldn't see you and baby during the day. May be enough to shut her up!?!

Make it very clear in your conversation that when you go back to work - your child goes to nursery... all the benefits he'd get from being with other children etc etc. You can always change your mind at a later date... but good to keep the options open!

Rarrie Sun 17-Apr-05 14:00:38

Alternatively, asked her what she did (in a very polite and non threatening, I'm asking for advice soirt of way!) say you're not sure and wondered what she did? If she was a SAHM you've got her... because then you just ask her her reasons why she did it, and then agree they are such fab reasons you think the same. Then the next time she mentions it, you can just quote her original sayings, that you think you'll do exactly as she did, because you agree with her (cite her reasons for staying at home) and she raised a really good point there. Then she can't say anything else without looking stupid!

LGJ Sun 17-Apr-05 14:26:22

Tell her you were bored in your last job, and that you have decided to go on the game and as it generally only involves nights, DH will be doing the childminding.

TinyGang Sun 17-Apr-05 14:51:37

Go back to works if you need to or want to or mutually agree to do so with dh, but never because mil or anyone else is pestering you to.

Which is what I will very soon be saying to my mil if she mentions it again! Sorry, mine suggested this the other day at just the wrong moment.

chipmonkey Sun 17-Apr-05 15:40:04

its none of her business, cheeky cow! "live off" your own dh!!!! Can't believe the woman!

Blu Sun 17-Apr-05 21:35:48

Aahah! It has been a 'big deal' for you to adjust your independence - and she has spotted that this is your achilles heel - and she's going for it! The solution, of course, is not to rise to it. Not even to let it register. Total water off duck's back.
Of course you are not scrounging off himm - you have a partnership and you each make invaluable contributions. Don't let her wind you up.

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