Am I expecting too much from my children's only grandparent???

[CharleyF]

I have two sons and a third baby on the way. ds1 is 3 and ds2 is 1. My dh's parents have never seen our children and we haven't seen them for 5 years (their choice). On Saturday my little lad turned three. My mum sent him a card but that is all she did. I keep getting upset at the the thought that she could not even pick up the phone to wish him a happy birthday. My sister has a 2 year old daughter that my Mum so obviously dotes on.

Is it my pregnancy hormones that keep making me burst into tears about this? My sons have no family, and the one grandparent they do have couldn't even be bothered to ring her oldest grandchild on his big day. I can't even bear to speak to her about it. Am I expecting too much?

[Preggars]

You're not expecting too much at all. A phone call is the very least she should have done.

How close are you to your Mum? Is this out of character, or has she let you down before?

[CharleyF]

My mum had favoured my sister all my life. As soon as I became pg with my mother's first grandchild my sister went out and got herself pg by a man she hardly knew, who then did a runner long before the baby was born. My mother is more of a parent than a grandparent to my sister's child, but she seems to have trouble thinking of, or doing anything for my own children. She rarely visits and when she does, makes no attempt to help with the children (unless practically begged to). I suppose therefore, it is not really out of character. Sadly, though, this shows that she really doesn't think about him. I know she spent Saturday with my sister and her daughter.

[Preggars]

CharleyF, I am really sorry that she acts like this

Unfortunately, your Mum will probably not change and will continue to dissapoint you from time to time. I think it is so sad when parents favour one or the other child. It sounds to me that your sister also needs a lot of attention, which is very sad also.

You however, sound like a marvellous Mum and I am pleased for you that your family is growing. I am sure you and your DH provide a happy and fair (in terms of attention) home for your 2 (soon to be 3) kids.

I wonder if she knows how much she hurts you. You shouldn't have to say this out loud. She should just know. I feel sorry for her that she's not cherishing every moment of your and your childrens time. She'll end up a sad and lonely old women at this rate. You, however, will have three wonderful kids doting on you.

[CharleyF]

Thanks Preggars!

[Blu]

CharleyF, that's very sad.
And no, you are not over-reacting.
Could you tell your Mum that your children would very much love to have a proper realtionship with her?
If she's not going to change, I think you have no choice, as Preggars says, but to move on without her being a 'proper' grandparent. And try not to try too much - there's only so much dissapointment you can take, and you don't want your children to become aware of it and upste? though it's going to get difficult when they are older and realise what a different relationship their cousins have.

How does you sister see all this?

[bensmum3]

Hi CharleyF, I know exactly how you feel, dh's parents pretend to be loving grandparents on the odd occasion we make the effort to visit them, but no phone calls on birthdays or any other time come to that, and yes my children have cousins that are always wonderful and can do no wrong ,I've done a lot of crying over the years (eldest is 10 now), but not now, I'm civil to them and we still make the effort to keep the children in contact, but we live our own lives,and joke often that our beautiful children could do with foster grandparents .
Dh has told them how we feel a few times, but they always end up arguing,(all stubborn)
Could you write your mum a letter and give it to her personally, explaining it contains feelings and facts she might not be pleased with ?