Does anyone out there have absolutely no help with their kids apart from their dh, or are we the only ones in the world without the helpful granny/grandad/MIL/sister etc. etc.?

[ssd]

feel so isolated, everyone and I mean everyone seems to have someone in the family who comes and helps out with the kids to give them a break, bit we have no one and its so getting me down. mt kids are bad sleepers/full of energy/non stop and theres never anyone to give us a break even for 2 minutes. friends have there own kids, and usually help with them too.

feel so down and desperate, its never ending

[ssd]

god I know I won't get an answer to this one as eveyone else does seem to have family help/support.

me and dh often sit and wonder how this came about, we have no one that ever pops over and helps out/takes the kids for a few hours/babysits

it doesn't help that most of my friends have a mum/sister that are always helping out, I dread even speaking to them these days its always " mum is collecting x's from school/babysitting/having x's for the night or weekend" or sister/MIL is and I want to curl up and die, just feel so alone and miserable

[MarsLady]

I don't have family support but I did befriend my local teens and their parents. They are now an invaluable babysitting resource.

I don't know how old your children are but could you form a babysitting circle with other people you know and take turns to babysit for one another?

[vonsudenfed]

We don't. Not a sausage - wrong bits of the country, too busy yadda yadda. And a few people that I wouldn't leave in charge of a cat.

Can you swap with someone? I use a childminder one morning a week for the sake of my sanity, but I also have friends who go and sit in each other's houses for a couple of hours a week, just so that they can get on with stuff. And I swap babysitting with my neighbour over the road once a month, which means that we can just go to the pub or something without it costing the earth.

It is hard - we knew we'd have no help, and even so it gets me down sometimes. But it isn't everyone, by any means.

[TheRealStig]

no you're not the only one

we have no-one too

but we knew it would be that way

what I find difficult is the 'just popping out' aspect. Friend at work was saying how he wanted to go for a quick drink with his wife on her birthday which was the next day. I said 'oh you'll never get a Saturday night babysitter which such little warning' and he looked at me as if I was mad because he has his parents, his sister and his parents in law within 5 mins of him so he can choose where to drop off his son!

It is just a different way of living.

[TigerFeet]

Hi ssd, poor you, you sound so down . I do understand to a large extent - I have no family locally and dh and I are pretty much on our own. We do get an occasional break when family come to stay, but in all honesty we don't take advantage of it as we should as when we have visitors we want to see them, not abandon them to dd's tender mercies and bugger off out!!

I know how isolating it is. It's jsut never ending. DH works away from time ot time and then I really am on my own.

Do you have family that could come and stay? Could you get a babysitter so that you and dh can have some time on your own? We have recently started making more effort to get out on our own more and it really has helped us feel less isolated.

[castlesintheair]

You are not alone. My family don't help either. I am sure there are lots of us! I do a swap once a week with a friend so we can hear reading at the DCs school and belong to a couple of babysitting groups (which I never use as can't reciprocate). Otherwise I have to pay for childcare in those desperate moments.

[fryalot]

Hi.

I know exactly how you feel.

We live in Yorkshire.

dp's family are in Manchester and mine are scattered between Wales, Essex and Manchester.

We have nobody who ever helps out.

Mine are a little bit older now and I wish I knew then what I know now.

Ask your HV to refer you to Home Start, they pop round once a week and are just there iykwim. They can watch the children while you have a bath or something, or just sit and chat with you so you get some adult conversation.

Mars's advice about befriending local teens is a fab idea as well, they're always on hand to babysit or pitch in.

[ABetaDad]

I thought we were the only people that had absolutley no help at all from relatives.

My parents have never visited us in 25 years and when we go their house they never take the kids out or do anything with them - even though it s a 400 mile roundtrip for us.

My wife's parents visit us but again do absolutely nothing with the kids - but just act like kids themselves waiting to be looked after and reading the paper or watching TV.

Me and my wife do fully share bringing up the kids and just hire in after school and holiday club care as it is the only way we can be sure we can get anything done and a bit of time to ourselves.

I put my foot down a few years ago and without being rude to my parents or parents in law I just have an absolute rule - we wil do our own thing and if your plans do not fit in with it then tough. It is up to you whether you make an effort with your Grandchildren but do not expect me to bend over backwards waiting on you hand and foot and trailing round the country so you can view their progress through life at a safe distance.

Sorry, bit of a rant - but I know where ssd is coming from on this.

[TigersEnglandChick]

I don't have anyone nearby for short notice/half hour help. (My parents live a couple of hours away but do come every now and then to visit for a couple of days).

I was going to suggest something like MarsLady.
Also, is there a gym or similar near you that has a creche? There is a public gym in our local town that has one. I don't know what the deal is, or if you have anything like it, but it might be worth looking into.

[chainstitch]

i had no help at all. not even a dh who was any use for nything, other than paying the bills.
only when youngest ws almost three did sister come to live nearby. before that, i had no family around, except for once a year visits form my parents. and a school mom friend who helped me with school run for ds1 when i was mega pregnant with dc3.

[feetheart]

Sorry you're feeling so down, its horrible isn't it?

We don't have any family close who help - my parents are in N Ireland (we're in SE England), brother and sister in Isle of Man and little sister in Devon.
SiL IS local but so self-absorbed that we only see her when I take DC into the shop where she works. She hasn't been to the house to see the children since the night DS was born over 3 years ago and she lives less than a mile away

Luckily we have a good group of friends who we met after having DD nearly 6 years ago when I moved here knowing only DH and his Mum (who died 18 mths later) They all have their own children but we work quite well together, looking after each other's children when the need arises. Is there anyway you can do that with your own friends? Don't feel you are putting upon them as often adding a child or two to the mix makes it much easier as they entertain each other, I certainly love having extra children over as they disappear upstairs and I can get on with MNing stuff!
It is hard and there are times when I would love someone to just step in and look after ME.

[notevenamousie]

You do sound very down. I don't have help, and nor do I have a dh. I work, though, and that's not a rest but it is a change which helps. There are times when I'm just so desperate for someone to take her away for just an hour or so and then I feel guilty for that. I try and meet up with friends with children, as even twice the chaos between twice the adults is marginally easier.

[ssd]

my kids are 8 and 10 so too old for a creche, but thanks for the idea.

everyone I know round here has family to help, so just don't need a babysitting circle, I've tried asking around about that one, too.

I'm just so fed up of constantly struggling by without help, the last 2 weddings I went to I had to go alone as dh stayed with the kids. we do pay a babysitter(teenager near us) but she's at uni far away now and its so hard getting someone else we trust and wants to do it!!

its just crap isn't it, the whole experience of being a mum and dad must be soo much better when there is family to support you

[edam]

I'm sorry you feel so blue. FWIW we don't have anyone either - too far away or too elderly and fragile to look after ds on their own.

But then again, I'm very glad I have a dh - can't imagine how hard it was for my own mother as a single parent. She didn't have any family, either, only child whose parents had died.

What we do is either pay for babysitters or swap favours with other mothers. Are you friendly with anyone at toddler group/school? Could you suggest doing a swap?

[edam]

Do you have any colleges near you that do childcare courses? Some of the teenagers may be interested in babysitting.

[Chaotica]

We have no-one and not many friends locally either. (Helpful relative is hours away.) Have a lovely cm though and I work. Have been out with DP in the evening once in nearly 3 years. Some good suggestions already...

[MitchyInge]

I don't have family support or a DH or even an XH to show up every other weekend - friends are the answer, taking it in turns and giving each other a break. Also it gets easier in many ways as they get older and don't need 24h supervision. I found it got easier anyway.

[GentleOtter]

We are completely isolated and have no living relatives so have never had a break since ds2 was born 20 months ago. We go out once a year but take the entire family with us. We have them 24/7 apart from when dd goes to scouts once a week.

It can get to you sometimes when you just need a couple of hours to yourself but dh and I share the care between us.

I hope you find a good solution ssd and there are several good suggestions here from the other posters.

[cmotdibbler]

We have no family help at all, and no local friends

DS does go to nursery as we both work, and we pay for a babysitter when we need it

[AlexanderPandasmum]

Another one here. My family are at one side of the country, DP's are at another and we're here in the middle. I am such a worrier too that we have hardly been out at all since DS was born. He does go to nursery part time while I work. DP has never got up for night feeds or got up in the morning with him either.

I can understand how it would get you down with more than one child especially.

[worley]

both dp's parnets sre no longer with us, so no help from them, bil lives in the usa. my parnets will have them on the rare occassion that both dp and i have to work a weekend shift, but other wise we get no time to our selves, or to go out frolicking with out any children in tow.
your children are at the age where they could be going to cubs/scouts or brownies/guides. you could try joing them in that and then you would get a couple of hours once a week while they were there maybe? and then they have summer camps etc. getting ds1 into cubs was great as it helps with my chidlcare cover in the summer holiday for a week now!!
any other clubs they could join to give yourself just a tiny break break?

[AlexanderPandasmum]

Oh yes and I forgot to add - when work require me to work another day that I don't usually work and I can't is the most difficult for me. Other people I work with have backup such as granny so I always get lack of sympathy from other members of staff ("But X and Y come in on their day off sometimes" ). Or when ds is ill, work can't understand that I'm 'IT' and that if nursery won't take him then there is really nobody else but me and DP.

[oopsagain]

we have no family help- but do have friends from school and others locally
and usually can get emergencies covered.
what about school friends coming for sleep overs to yours one week then yours go another week?
family are too old/too far away for any help to us.

Mine are 5 and 3 and Dh and I have never spent any time on our own since they were born!
Which is probably why there isn't a dc3

[Tee2072]

My baby isn't born yet, but I will be in your situation when it is.

I plan on cultivating older teens and their parents to be able to hire them to babysit. Or even use a babysitting service, if I can find one here in Belfast.

Sometimes you have to create your own support circle.

[Hassled]

Another one here - my parents are dead, remaining relatives not in the UK, ILs are an hour away and enjoy a dizzy social whirl, but have never babysat the DCs once. You do get used to it - hearing friends talk about their mothers babysitting all the time, and taking it so much for granted, does stick in my throat at times though.

ssd - it isn't never-ending, it does get better than this, I promise. They won't always be bad sleepers. But find a local teenager - ask around. Just one night out, even if it's only a couple of hours in the pub, will make you feel so much more yourself.