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Feeling left out

(9 Posts)
daisey Sat 09-Apr-05 20:01:03

Ive just been in really low spirits the last few days. And it all started when my hubby took our 6mth son to see one of his relatives without me when I was having a nap even though I wanted to go. I know it sounds silly but my dh always seems to take our ds visiting without me generally when im catching up on sleep and now im starting to feel left out.Im starting to feel like I dont exist my mil ignores me and now my dh. When I was pregnant my dh always wanted me to go with him to places to show off my bump and if I was too tired we would just arrange it for another day.

Im so tired lately I do find it difficult to make the effort to go out. I just seem to have lost all self confidence, nothing about my appearance is the same anymore.

I adore my ds, I love him to death but sometimes I do feel left out like I was just some sort of vessel for my dh and mil. I gave up everything to have him my career, my car my total independence.And now I feel like ive lost my identity especially since my ds has cut down on breastfeeding at least I was good for something.

My dh is so hands on which is great but sometimes I feel like Im not needed and that my ds loves him more then me.I dont know why I feel like this all of a sudden.

beansprout Sat 09-Apr-05 20:25:50

You poor thing, you sound really low. From the outside looking in it is lovely that your dh is so proud of your son and so involved in his care. Perhaps he feels he is giving you a break?
My ds is 5 months and dp is v busy at work at the moment and I sometimes feel a bit stuck. I'm still off work, I sold my car too and I live in groundhog day. I can feel left out as I don't have the energy to join in. Dp was at a family bash today, and I was too tired to go, but didn't want to stay in either!

My hunch is that your self confidence has taken a knock and that you are still adjusting to being a mum. I know I am. Does your dh know how you really feel? Do you ever get to do something just for you?

kid Sat 09-Apr-05 20:29:31

Do you always feel like this or have you had a particulary bad day?
Could you visit your in-laws without your DH, just you and DS?
Or how about invited them to your house, that way you are there and therefore can't be left out.

kid Sat 09-Apr-05 20:31:08

(inviting)

daisey Sat 09-Apr-05 21:28:16

No I dont really seem to have any time to myself to do sunthing for me. Like you said I feel like im in groundhog day, the only time I get to myself I use to catch up on my sleep. I know my dh is proud which is lovely im really proud too but I would love to included more. My dh has been home the last few days and ive just completely withdrawel from them both as they seem to be coping without me. I just hate being tired all the the time.

girlfromip Sat 09-Apr-05 21:51:04

daisey, I feel for you with what you describe.
I also felt confused about how special I felt when I was pregnant and how that specialness seemed transferred to ds once he was born and I felt somehow left out.
For what it's worth - all I can say is it took me a long time to really get my head, body, life around having a child, it's a massive lifechange and how many of us are ready for what happens? I wasn't. It's a huge shock to a relationship - I think it takes a good 12 -24 months for a lot of couples to really adjust.
Is there anyone you are comfortable enough with to share a little of this? I only ask because that's what's always helped me when I've been struggling with motherhood.
Hope you're feeling better, tiredness is such a killer isn't it?

jjash Sat 09-Apr-05 21:53:06

OK you sound like me 5 years ago after my first child.Didnt want anyone to hold him , worried he didnt know i was his mum, hated dp doing stuff for him ...I had major PND .AS i dealt with the depression i stopped feeling like that .
Am not saying you have pnd but you are obviously very low .You need to tell dp honestly how you are feeling .Of course you arent a spare part - with out you ds wouldnt be here !
Please talk to your dh - spend time just the 3 of you .Of course your son needs you too.And you are entitled to figure out what you need too to start to feel better about your self

Blu Sat 09-Apr-05 21:55:38

A couple of thoughts. One - does your dh rush off to relatives when he is 'left holding the baby' so to speak because he feels slightly at a loss about what to do with her on his own?

And/or - you are getting yourself into a bit of a viscious circle and making yourself v miserable - you feel tired (understandably) your dh tries to help by taking the baby, which affects your confidence, which makes you tired and withdrawn.

You don't need to feel you are not needed because you get tired and your DH is a good dad and partner! Take a deep breath, see his help as positive, and when you have had some (well-earned) rest, do something nice all together as a family.

And another little thought - PND doesn't always strike as a big noticeable crisis straight after a baby is born - you can get mild long term depression that creeps up steadily without you noticing it. that's what happened to me. If you're feeling negative much of the time, tired, can't sleep, are reacting to things in ways that don't feel like the old you, it might be worth wondering about that.

beansprout Sat 09-Apr-05 22:18:40

I have had times when I have felt that ds and dp are fine without me but the fact is, I am the centre of that little boy's world and you are the centre of your son's world. Dads are part of things but in no way play the crucial role that we do. Can the three of you do things together? Even just all lay in bed together? We can easily end up taking it in turns and that isn't always the best thing although it can be practical.

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