Really struggling with this parenting lark

[DontGetIt]

I do know other folk find it hard work ...but I seem to be the only mum I know who finds its so boring too. I just feel such a shit mum. By most afternoons I have run out of the ability to read books, play games, chase etc. It just gets too much and I want them to go away for a bit. Feel so mean since DC1 is 3 and DC 2 is 14 months so can hardly entertain themselves.

A lot of the problem, I think, is we have no friends locally so its just me and them 24/7. I try to do the cooking/painting/reading stuff with them, we go to some classes/groups when we can (still juggling naps atm)but I just seem to have got to the point where I am so fed up with just being with them and no one else (OK, DH evenings)that Ive run out of enthusiasm for it all. How do I get some bounce back when I never get any time away from it all?

Ironic really, since im sure by many peoples standards Im lucky to be a SAHM.Have no job waiting for me and a chronically clingy DC2 so not sure work is a go-er at the mo anyway.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Ah we all feel like that sometimes! The worst bit is over - you've got them both above 12 months.

Right, some practical suggestions:

(1) Quiet activities - painting. Get cheap paper, sellotape it together and tape it to the floor- not in a carpeted room obviously and let them do 'big paintings' while you read a book. You don't have to talk to them and they'll enjoy it more if you just let them get messy, then dump them in the bath and encourage them to wash each other - this can kill two hours if you spin it out by saying 'I think you need to add a bit more colour just there.
(2) Mums and tots groups - find one - call your HV and ask about them - there will be some.
(3) Hire a babysitter and go out for an hour - does the world of good.

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

Wow - sounds to be as if you do quite a bit with them already!

This afternoon, put DS in his walker/mobile disco, he pulled the dogs tail and it was a penny pinching ride.

Our other activity is 'Going to Africa' where we get a sheet/tent and put a lot of blankets down and have to be very very quiet lest the tigers hear us...

[Othersideofthechannel]

DontGetIt, you are definitely not the only one who finds it boring. It is hard work when they don't entertain themselves.

If you can't get out to any groups or any other kind of a break, put on a DVD for them and get some adult stimulation on mumsnet or listen to Radio 4.

[onlinemummy]

Whomoved..i right they are both over 12 months and things will start to get easier. As DC 2 gets older they will play more together and for longer without constant supervision. also naps ill become less of an issue and you can be more flexible to make them ft around any classes/groups. Do you have a local sure start near you? The groups they have are really good and they usually have lots on during the week so you can hopefully fit them in at some point. They are usually really welcoming and supportive and work well if you have 2 children.
Also there are probably other mums in the same position as you in the groups that you currently go to, if you feel you can, swap numbers so you can meet up at a local park, play area etc. We find it really hard to make that first step with someone we don't already know, but I have found that Mums are always really keen to meet up with one another and I have made lots of new friends since having my DS, perhaps we are all just grateful to talk to another adult as well as our DC! Sorry, that seems quite long but hope it helps.

[Othersideofthechannel]

Can you involve the older one in your own activites while the little one is napping? Gardening is a good one.

[Gemzooks]

go back to work even part time and your sanity may return. I was SAHM for 4 months and nearly lost my mind.

[iheartdusty]

can DC1 go to nursery for a few hours a week? you should get free sessions if s/he is 3.

does your DH do a reasonable share at weekends?

[DontGetIt]

Thanks for the replies and sorry for disappearing minutes after posting! I swear DS1 has a psychic link to my PC...ie mummy is on the PC, I know, I will wake up and shout!

TBH I think what I need most is some adult company. DH does help weekends, but having no adult input during the week means I like to spend time with him if possible, but then of course I get no break from the kids...catch 22.

The sad truth is I have no mates around. It hurts actually, not just for myself, but also because I dont have mates with kids for my kids to play with. I feel I have failed them tbh...my oldest often says 'Are we visiting anyone? Is anyone coming here to visit us?' and the answer is usually no these days. Lots of reasons for it...both post natal groups went back to work whereas I didnt, so they slowly disappeared...then two of my best baby mates moved away, entirely coincidentally, in the space of 6 months. And I am absolutely rubbish at making new friends so whilst DS1 is now at preschool a few mornings a week, Ive not chummed up with anyone. Gaaahh! I find it soooo hard when everyone seem to know eachother already!

I guess the answer is go back to work. Give my brain soemthing to do. So that is my next question then...what on earth am I going to do jobwise??? Used to be a teacher...nto doing that again! Off to rack my brains now...and thanks again for suggestions etc everyone.

[AlderTree]

Hi. I too get bored by late afternoon and have found the year I've had at home lovely but challenging. Love my kids but 24/7 I couldn't do so its back to work for me. Not sure if this makes weekends and school hols easier or harder. Get to the point when I just don't know what to do with them anymore - do they want to sleep eat, chill out or WHAT. argggg!

What has kept me sane is mumsnet and real friends. One of my best friends is someone I met through a toddler group. With my first dc I got a bit of a thing about the holidays when all the groups were shut. DC 1 very high maintenance. So I suggested to this other mum we meet up in the holidays. Trip to the park led to coffee and play dates and now we have a tribe between us.

So find a group, phone the organiser to let them know you are coming and ask if there is anyone with a similar back ground to you and can they introduce you. Take it from there and good luck. Although you may find that as you group together with people with lots of children together it feels like your having a party every time the gang pop round to play.

I find that if I've entertained the kids like this I feel less guilty about reading a book while they destroy play on their own.

[AlderTree]

And does it really get easier after they hit a year old cos DC2 is driving me nuts

[moondog]

I could have predicted your kids' ages.Streuth it's tedious at times isn't it?

Some sort of rough timetable helps, in temrs of having something to go to at least every day. You don't have to be huge mades with people in baby groups.It's as much a chance for you to have a break while the kids entertain each other as anything.

Swimming is good-wears them out and you can come home and put on a dvd and MN for a bit without feeling guilty.

A bath is good for same reason.I used ot lie on the floor in the hall and read the paper.

A drive (a loooooong drive) with te radio on loud and them strapped in, gives you time to think. Take sandwiches and tell them you are having a car picnic.While they munch you can read the paper.

I'm always looking for some peace to read the paper.I am a grumpy home Counties 70 something Telegraph reader trapped in body of 41 year old woman.

it gets better, really it does.

[sazzerbear]

Definitely fresh air, get out and about and go to the park/feed ducks etc-it will make you feel a lot better, it tires them out and its FREE! Have you been onto Mumsnet Local - get meeting up with other Mnetters in your area!

[tankie]

Definitely go to a toddler group every day if possible. And even at that age I would say you don't HAVE to entertain them all the time. Get some toys out and let them get on woth it.

[SantaLucia]

Hmm. Know the feeling very well. I am an SAHM and it is lovely to take my time in the mornings and hang about in my dressing gown while DD toddles around in pjs. BUT come 3pm after she has had her nap I have had enough!

I try to structure each day so that we are out at some point. Usually mornings work best. I go out at 10:30, come back at 12 for lunch. Have an hour or so of complete bliss while the lunchtime nap happens. Then I devote some good playing time to my DD until just before tea time. After that I watch Neighbours and pray for my DH to arrive home. Sometimes I stand at the window waiting to see his car so that I can hand over the child! Its one of the best bits of my day!

None of this means you are a crap mum! Your DCs think you are the best mum in the world and they are lucky to have a SAHM. Your DH is also lucky to have somebody like you who is willing to accept the tedium of being the one tied to the kids.

My DD is 15 months so I sympathise with having to entertain them. Can't you farm a 3 year old out to a day nursery though? Not sure of cost or anything as I'm not at that stage yet but it would give you a bit more space?

Re the loneliness. Being a SAHM can be the loneliest job in the world, even if you have tonnes of friends. I would go crazy if it weren't for texts from my friends. Also mumsnet! Although you want to spend time with DH, you may have to grasp the nettle and try to meet some nice people nearby . Out of every 10 boring parents you might find one gem and that is all you need.

Sorry for the long post but to repeat AGAIN. I really sympathise. If you aren't happy then change what you can to make yourself happy.

[KJTWINS]

just read the messages and i really sypathise as i am in a similar predicament as i have 5 month old twins and am now home all day with them and never ever get a break at weekends its still full on as my partner helps but as we have two you can imagine well its so hard to think to go to groups as its like being at school that horrible feeling of being the new girl im trying to go to more things now they are a bit older and to be honest it does help just a change of scene even for an hour does you good but it is very lonely.

[WinkyGirl]

Where are you based? I am in Winchester and my 2 DC are nearly the same age as yours.

I went back to work last week 3 days per week. Before then I was getting pretty overwhelmed I must admit.

[DontGetIt]

Ah thanks folks...really kind messages and so glad to hear that Im not the only one! I do know I need to make friends, and believe me, I have tried so so hard to do that for the last three years now but it just hasn't worked out. I think I must be too desperate or something, definitely people don't warm to me easily. I do have mates, but they are long term friends, they had kids years ago (Im an older mum)so just aren't around during the day. And baby friends, as I said earlier, has just been a disaster really...I do persevere with the baby/toddler scene, we go out to something every day if possible, then back by lunch. DS1 has given up his nap now so such a looooong afternoon...and DH has just taken on more at work so is going to work earlier and home later...groan.

Oh well, enough whingeing. I love the DCs to bits and whilst finding it hard I do know Im so lucky to have them...

[sazzerbear]

Definitely try to meet up with local Mnetters-at least you know they will all be on the same wavelength!

[MollieO]

What about playgroup for the older dc and some scheduled toddler group or activity for the younger one? I can't imagine being at home with dc 24/7. I also think 3 yr olds are perfectly capable of amusing themselves without having someone play with them all the time.

Fine to go back to work if that is what you want but if it is purely for adult company then I think the playgroup route is the way to go. If you aren't sure what is available in your area have a chat with your HV who will have info. It is easier making friends with people who have similar aged children to yours as you automatically have something in common.

All my friends' children were teenagers when I had my ds. If it wasn't for playgroups and other activities I'd have gone mad. I am no good at doing the child entertainer stuff although it is easier now ds is 4. He was always very good at amusing himself (probably realised what a useless mum he had).

[KTNoo]

I remember it well - you sound just like me at the same stage. No other advice to add really, although I would say re the making friends thing, just ask people from toddlers or playgroup over, or for coffee somewhere, or to the park, whatever. They won't think it's weird and they won't realise you are nervous about it. Could you ask dc1 which friend he would like to come over and take it from there? Once you get to know a couple of people it gets easier and your group should widen.

I have to say that now 2 of my 3 are at school and we are always rushing off somewhere to take someone to hockey or swimming or a friend's house, I look back very fondly on those quiet days! Both dc3 and me enjoy the quiet times we have at home. Not sure if that makes you feel better or not!

[GooseyLoosey]

I would echo the advice to get out and join a toddler or parenting group. Most of the friends that I have now came from such groups.

[cloudsandsunshine]

Dont Get It you sound perfectly normal and friendly so it might be their problem not yours. I remember going to a toddler group with DS1 and weeping afterwards as I felt such an outsider, it also made me feel terrible for DS1 aswell although he was quite happy! I know its a way off but school is so good for making friends. Work wise what about working in a shop? I've got a little shop and made some really close friends through it.

[DontGetIt]

Ah yes, defnitely struggle with the feeling an outsider thing, clouds. Part of my problem is trying to break into existing social circles. Talk about cliquey round here. If my mates hadnt moved, I wouldnt be so stuck but as it is, everyone seems chummed up now (my youngest Dc is 14 months) But have to say I like the idea of working in a shop, or maybe a cafe, ought to be good and sociable didnt it? Wonder if there are many jobs out there? Will definitely start looking...have given up on making friends thro the kids Im afraid

[cloudsandsunshine]

I didn't and haven't through nursery but school seems to be a different kettle of fish. So many mums in the same boat I think (how many more cliches can I fit in here??).

[sazzerbear]

What I don't understand is why women of all people can be so cliquey and unwelcoming at these places. I went to a new toddler group on Monday and nobody made an effort to talk to me, luckily I recognised a couple of people there so could make conversation relatively easily. So many of us have been through the same thing! I would never dream of not making an effort for someone new.