what would you do about this?

[nightowl]

ds has a friend. she is 10 or 11 i think. like his other friend in the street, when she asks if he can play, i know it means they are going to come here. this annoys me at times but generally they are old enough to not be too much of a pain (and she is very well behaved). im very often cleaning or doing the garden for example, when she's here and thats fine, i can leave them to play and know they cant come to any harm in my garden or in my house. (they will play wherever i am). however, now its warmer she has been bringing her little sister with her (3 ish) and i dont want her here. now before i sound horrible, it isnt because i dont like the sister and if i had invited them then fair enough, i would have set aside time to watch them. but nine times out of ten, like ive said, they sort of invite themselves. i dont want to be responsible for watching someone elses toddler when im trying to do my own jobs. trouble is, the mother always sends out the little one with her elder sister so if i have one here, i have to have the other. i think its very sad also that this child is responsible for the little one. how would you handle this?

[nightowl]

forgot to add for anyone who doesnt know i also have dd (13 months) to watch and take with me whatever im doing!!

[colditzmum]

Send them home and say that she is to tell her mummy that your house isn't suitable for such a little girl who doesn't have her mummy with her!

I think that is really rude and it would make me very cross indeed!

[hunkermunker]

I think it's peculiar of this woman to think you don't mind, but if you don't say anything to the contrary, she'll assume you don't! Do you know her at all? Odd of her to think it's OK to send her younger one to your house.

[WestCountryLass]

Definitely say somethng next time. Its your house, your rules! My DS started preschool and became friendly with one girl so I invited her to play but assummed the Mum would come too, so was surprised when she came with her older sister (I did not wnat the older girl as her and her sister played together with my DSs stuff but he was on the sidelines. I said something the next time as if I wnated to look after other peoples kids i'd be a childminder!

[nightowl]

how can i say though? when ds's friend comes round i cant say to her "dont bring your little sister". 90% of the time when i see her around the little one is there. her mum expects her to look after the toddler and they are out until all hours in the street. ive been told by another neighbour (although i cant say how true this is) that the older one sometimes isnt allowed out to play unless she takes her sister with her. they are both lovely kids and i wouldnt want to upset them. it did shock me though one day when my dd needed changing and as i got a nappy out, the older girl said to me "shall i change her for you?". bless her, she was trying to help and it seemed obvious then that she had changed her sister in the past. what a shame that a 10 year old has to do that, she acts like a mother not a child. i cant stop the mother from piling responsibility on her daughter but i dont want to take that responsibility either.

ps the mother doesnt send the little one over to my house. the older one goes out taking the little one with her wherever she goes. i dont think the mother even knows whose house they are at.

[hunkermunker]

Nightowl, there's something very peculiar about a mother who takes no interest in where her children are. How very odd. Do you know whether she's desperately unhappy in some way or is she just neglectful? Could you go and talk to her about it? Poor older girl though, having to be mum to her little sister. They both sound very sweet - but I can fully understand why you don't want to have them both at your house.

Not an easy situation [puzzled emoticon]

[nightowl]

it is very strange. i dont think shes unhappy nor neglectful. both the children are lovely, clean, would seem to be very well brought up and know their manners. tbh its a joy to have the eldest in my house compared to some children in this street (no names mentioned). i dont know if shes just a bit complacent really. its kind of a "community" here where the children go out in the street and its assumed that everyone looks out for everyone elses kids as in the warm weather everyone is outside at the front anyway. (except for my son) because i would not trust anyone with him ever. but i feel theres a huge difference between allowing an 8 year old to play on the path two houses up or down (as ds does) while im watching him, to letting a young girl hold total responsibility for her tiny sister. i honestly dont know how the mother does it. i just could not leave my son with his sister, how on earth can a 10 year old keep a 3 year old safe from harm? and why should they be expected to? maybe im just not cut out for this kind of thing...no-one else here seems to think theres any problem!!

[tigermoth]

I once had a child bring their toddler sister in to play and I felt really put upon. It was not a repeated occurance so I didn't have the same problem as you. I think, however nice the children are, you should not allow the toddler visitor, as it's making life difficult for you. I don't see the harm in telling the parents that you don't want to be responsible for a three year old in your house, however well behaved they are. It's a very reasonable request.

Also, you could be doing the children a favour. It might make the parents think again about this arrangement. If the parents feel everyone accepts the fact that their 10 year old looks after their 3 year old, they're more likely to pile on responsibility on the 10 year old's shoulders.

[Nemo1977]

nightowl
I had a similair set up growing up and had to take my 2 sisters out with me or I couldnt go out to play. TBH if someone had said i couldnt take them then my mum would have said fine but u stay in here to play then or in the garden. I agree it is unfair to expect a 10yr old to cart around a 3yr old [my sis were 2 and 3 when i was 10]. Not really got any advice as it is rude of the mother to think that u will just let the girls in to play. However its also likely that the 10 yo will be less able to come out and play.
I was just lucky that my friends parents didnt seem to mind so much

[Freckle]

Could you send a note to the mother via the older girl? Along the lines of how delightful her daughters are, but that you very sorry that you can't have the younger one to play as you don't have the facilities to supervise her.

You could also explain gently to the older one that you are delighted when she comes to play, but you can't look after her sister too, so, if she wants to play with ds, she will have to come alone.