How did you find it going from one to two?

[Minicooper]

I have one beautiful dd, just over a year old and just starting to feel human again! I never wanted an only, but dh has found this year really tough and is not sure he wants to go through it all over again. My biggest query is (and I know most people do it, so it must be possible!) how do you fit in looking after a second (or more!) and how did you help your pfb adapt to the fact that you now have other things to fit into the day as well as fulfilling their every need?!

[fleacircus]

My DD is about the same age as yours and I'm 6wks pregnant now. I always wanted another but DP was like your DH at first, adores DD but pretty traumatised at the idea of putting ourselves through it again! But as DD has got older he's come round; I think we both know the next two years are probably going to be stupidly hard but also that in the long run having two close together will be easier - we've shortened the nappy years and the teenage years this way! I'll be interested to find out what people who've actually got two have to say though...

[NAB3lovelychildren]

One to two was easy compared to two to three but I think that was due to their ages and the different commitments that came along.

I wasn't able to have mine as close together as I would have liked and I am hoping it will get easier once they are older.

[PuzzleRocks]

I would be interested in any replies too as my second is due in April.

[Minicooper]

Oooh, congratulation, fleacircus, think I must be getting broody - I'm changing from thinking 'oh my goodness, poor you' at pregnancy announcements to thinking 'aaawwww, how lovely!' So who knows?!

[drivinmecrazy]

I found it incredibly difficult. DD1 was 4 1/2 when we had DD2. Practically i found it quite easy to adapt but emotionally i really struggled, but i do wish i had them closer together. Harder in the short term but i'm sure it must be easier to get all the baby stuff and sleeples nights out of the way in one big hit instead of fully getting your life back and then it all being thrown into chaos again

[PortAndLemon]

We have a 3.2 year gap and I actually found it quite easy . I think this was because DS was in nursery a reasonable amount, so he got to let off steam there and I got 1:1 time with DD. Also he was old enough to understand more. And (a big one this) DS was a nightmare spirited baby while DD is much much more laid back. So I prepared myself to cope with a second baby who was like DS had been at the same age and the reality was much easier.

[cory]

Hard work at first- but so worth it in the end! Dd was worried and upset and anxious and jealous at the same time as being excited and in love with her little brother and I had to recognise that all those emotions had to be accommodated. So I needed to go moist-eyed over her sweetness towards lo at the same time as watching her like a hawk in case she tried to wring his neck.

The upside is, now I can slope off to town while dd babysits her brother. Now there are moments when she can understand him and comfort him and share a joke with him and explain the world to him in a way that no adult can. When he cut his hand open last spring, she packed his hospital bag. When he's had nightmares she's taken him into her bed and comforted him.

[simpson]

I didn't find it too bad TBH but did find the evenings the toughest part.

DS (then 2) wanting his tea and trying to keep a very small baby happy at the same time...not easy. But then I was on my own as DH doesn't get back from work till 11pm.

Also found bathtime bit of a mare. Couldn't bath them together so either had DS having a very late bath when LO in bed or LO screaming blue murder crying while DS in bath. DS used to splash too much to have them in together when LO was tiny but once the baby can sit up you can just put them in together which makes it much easier.

[blueshoes]

mini, I think if you are concerned about day-to-day ability to cope, bigger age gap is better than small. I found a 3 year gap easy. My first was a dd and it was clear she was dying to be a big sister by the time she was 3 - you can get that with girls. Even 6 months earlier I don't think she would have been as ready.

Both were demanding as babies.

[Minicooper]

That's what I wanted to hear, cory!

Drivinmecrazy, do you think the age gap was the issue, or just the fact that the work and time needed increased? Dh likes the idea of a bigger age gap - mostly to recover fromt he lack of sleep, I think! But I think it would be so much harder to plunge back in after feeling like we were returning to normal - or as normal as things get post children!

[cory]

There are other problems with a bigger age gap. Like dealing with a new baby while trying to settle dc1 at school. Babyhood is not the last demanding phase: ime they come and go.

I don't think any age gap is perfect- but seeing two siblings looking out for each and knowing they will always have each other is pretty well perfect

[hifi]

i will watch with interest. have dd 4.5 and hopefully will be adopting a 1yr old later this year.

[blueshoes]

mini, I would agree with cory on no perfect age gap, but dcs playing together being the best part of 2 or more.

For me, the age gap was determined by dd being demanding as a first baby. I could not contemplate (and it would not be fair) bringing another child into the equation until she was at least 18 months. I personally never found getting back into the whole baby thing an issue at all, with the 3 year age gap. I liked the fact I was already settled dd at nursery, been back at work for 2 years, with hours I liked - so that battle had already been fought and was a breeze the second time round. After my second maternity leave, I just slid back into work.

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[rempy]

1 to 2 a breeze for me compared to 0 to 1. I really struggled to come to terms with the changes in my life, and the resentment that I felt towards my very loving and involved DH, and the anxiety of being totally responsible for a tiny baby with my first.

Actually being heavily pregnant with a toddler was the hardest part. The early baby bit has been fine. DD was a demanding baby, but fortunately DS was pretty laid back. Its changing a bit now as DS is 5 months, DD 23 months. Now he can sit and reach out for things etc he is getting more demanding so balancing out the two childrens needs is a bit harder. But, now that he can actually partake in whats going on around him, DD has become really quite delighted with him.

Obviously whilst snatching whatever toy he has hold of out of his hand.

DS is as rubbish a sleeper as his sister though, so nights are HARD.

[nulgirl]

Its still early days (ds is 8 weeks) but so far am finding in much easier then i thought. dd is 2.5 and is really adorable with him. Have had a bit of jealousy but nothing too bad and she loves helping with changing him and holding him. It does make a difference that so far ds is an incredibly easy baby. Sleeps alot and feeds every 4 hours during day and only once at night. I think if you can get enough sleep everything feels much easiser.

I would agree that the difficult time is in the evening. DD is a pain in the neck at bedtime and i have to stay with her until she is asleep. This coincides with the couple of hours in the day that ds is less angelic and wants a cluster feed. Haven't tried it on my own yet but am really enjoying it so far. Have even had fleeting thoughts of having a third baby.

[Minicooper]

Hifi, that's exciting! My brother and dh both adopted so I've got an interest too. Interestingly I'd be more keen on adopting that dh is, but maybe that's because of his experience of it (not bad, btw!) Hope it all goes well for you - have you had a child allocated yet?

[mustrunmore]

Easy at first, but its starting to wear me down now, so I'm just waiting for them to be a bit older and therefre easier in theory They are 5 and 3.

[oneplusone]

We have a 2.9 year age gap. At first it was pretty easy and manageable and i wondered what i had been so worried about.

BUT it got a LOT harder when DS started walking and getting into everything (including DD's things which she obviously was not happy about) and even harder when he hit the terrible twos. We are still in the terrible twos at the moment but it's not too bad as DD is in full time school and DS is at nursery a couple of afternoons.

But i am breathing a huge sigh of relief that DS will be starting school next year.

Although it wasn't possible for me, i would recommend a smaller age gap than mine eg 2 years, or a much bigger age gap say 4 years.

[Lizzylou]

I found it easier than going from childless to 1.
You are far more relaxed and confident in your own abilities as a Mother.
There is almost exactly 2 years between my 2 boys, now at almost 5 and almost 3, they are great friends and love each other (when they are not fighting over toys etc!).

[TheShipsCat]

It is hard (I have 3.0 and 8mo), but to be honest the things that made it really hard first time round (the shock at losing your liberty, the worry, not knowing anything about children etc) were not there the second time. You KNOW its going to get easier, which I didn't last time, you know when to worry and when not to, and you understand babies better. That said, the logistics can be tricky, as someone else said, bath time is hard, and i could only do that initially when DH was in. I really think the second is easier in many ways - but of course, you still have lack of sleep etc. As far as the pfb goes, she has generally been thrilled to get a sister, and it occupies her nicely. My DH ( and I) was pleasantly surprised by how well I coped second time round - he has sort of been much less involved - maybe it'll be the same for your DH?

[PortAndLemon]

I have to agree that DD gets bathed a LOT less than DS did at the same age (I feel vaguely guilty about that, as she loves baths).

[Minicooper]

Rempy, that's really interesting - I always think that the jump for 0-1 must be the biggest - we've made so many of the necessary changes already. It was a huge shock for me too - esp as I'm staying off work, so the lack of time to myself has just been overwhelming. You can forget who you are - I haven't been apart from her for more than a couple of hours (and that's when she's sleeping!) since she was born!

Nulgirl, I totally agree about the sleep - dd has only just started sleeping through - she's slept through for the last 6 nights - bliss! It has taken nearly 14 months and a trip to a sleep specialist though!

[Minicooper]

That's really reassuring, theshipscat - I AM a worrier, so knowing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel (ie because I've survived it once!) would make a huge difference to me, I'm sure!

[rempy]

Deffo. You have the kit, your house has been altered (even if thats just putting the bathroom cleaner on the top shelf), you have a child orientated routine going.

So although tiny babies need regular feeding, during the day DD has breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, milk before bed. I found myself feeding DS at the same times, often saying "now that Ive got your milk, its time for me to give DS his". She was fine with that.

I have been wondering what it will be like with a 3.5 and 2 year old though. I suspect it will be harder than now. Interesting what others say here.

But it ebbs and flows. My DD is sometimes a proper little tantrum monster, and I feel guilty sometimes that I might love DS more. I don't, I know. Its just that he is a cuddly bundle of squishy baby, and really really easy to look after. And DD is going to get less tantrummy and hopefully more reasonable, just when DS is going to be at that difficult no sense no reason but exploring phase. And then I will feel guilty about preferring DD. And I wont. I know. It will just be another stage.