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Stay at home mum - am I doing the right thing?

(69 Posts)
Polina Tue 22-Mar-05 20:03:50

I'm probably being wildly oversensitive but I am well stressed! When ds was born (he's now 9 months) I made the decision to be a stay at home mum, principally because I had such a fab time with my mum and wanted to give ds the same thing, or as near as I can manage. I still do a tiny bit of work to keep my hand in but in the main am looking after ds and having fun with him 7 days a week. I loved my job and had worked really hard on getting a career up and running before I met dh so it wasn't an easy decision at all. HOWEVER three separate parents have told me that I am risking ds's development by not sending him to nursery as I will make him unsociable and delay his learning and basically cause him to start life 3 years behind the other guys. Am now distinctly stressed that I am fouling up ds's chances - we have a great bond and have a lovely time (most of the time.....) but as one mum said, I don't want him to have a nervous breakdown when I send him to nursery at 2.5yrs either! Has anyone got experience or advice on this?

MunchedTooManyMarsLady Tue 22-Mar-05 20:09:06

tell them to sod off and do what makes you happy. My 5 have all done and are doing fantastically. They are popular in school and liked by adults as well as kids. The twins like people and burble away very happily. Just coz they didn't want to do what you are doing. Tell them that you're not a sheep following the herd, you're gonna be the bl**dy shepherd and lead the way.

lockets Tue 22-Mar-05 20:14:14

Message withdrawn

birdsong Tue 22-Mar-05 20:14:20

I agree with mtmmlady . my 4 are very popular extremely well adjusted and fantastic kids and a credit to me amd dh and I get told that all the time and I am sahm

ghosty Tue 22-Mar-05 20:14:23

Polina, I am shocked that these people have said this to you ....
It is a terrible thing to say, and totally untrue!!! Tell them to get lost!
Every child is different ... every mother is different .... my DS went to nursery as a baby and was a very clingy toddler. When I became a SAHM when he was 2.5 he came out of his shell and blossomed. He is 5 now and is doing brilliantly at school (top reading group etc) ... people (parent helpers in class) often make comments like "He's a bright little thing isn't he?"
DD is a different baby altogether, she has never been to nursery (she is 13 months) and is the most open, gregarious, friendly baby ever. She will go to anyone for cuddles, even check out ladies at the supermarket ...
Do what YOU feel is right for YOU and YOUR BABY ... and if being a SAHM is best for you then go for it and don't listen to the crap other people tell you!

coldtea Tue 22-Mar-05 20:22:16

Polina how awful. They're only jealous of the bond you have with you're son.

My ds never went to nursery & didn't start playschool till 3 1/4yrs & i did have teething problems settling him at first but i have just had his 1st parents evening & i am so proud his teacher amongst other wonderful things said he is a very popular child & every body wants to be his friend , he always has a smile on his face. I put it down to the special bond we always had & the fact i was able to devote such a wonderful amount of time to him

bundle Tue 22-Mar-05 20:23:59

polina, it's very rude of someone to talk to you like that. my dd's have both been nursery babies but that was my own personal decision and i love working 3 days a week.

Donbean Tue 22-Mar-05 20:24:18

What a load of rubbish!
My circumstances sound similar to yours. My ds is 20 months he has never gone any where without me because:
A) i cant bear to be parted with him
B) i want to be involved (and have a direct influence on) with his social education.
C) i didnt wait 3 years for him to hand him over to some one else!
We do every thing together and have a very busy social calender. He has little friends who we see daily and is surrounded by children of all ages from my family.
He is booked into nursery from when he is 2yrs 2 months because me and him are ready for him to meet the children that he will be going through school with.
I thought and agonised over this subject because of people telling me what you have been told and enquired about nurseries. In the end i decided that something i felt SO uncomfortable about couldnt be right for me or him so decided against it.
I disagree completely that he is in any way disadvantaged because i didnt send him to a nursery.
I would have had great difficulty stifling my laugh at such ludicrous comments TBH!

WideWebWitch Tue 22-Mar-05 20:24:22

Oh ffs, ignore them! DEFINITELY! Loads of sahms here.

SenoraPostrophe Tue 22-Mar-05 20:25:46

the other parents are probably on a guilt trip because they work.

handlemecarefully Tue 22-Mar-05 20:27:42

Don't all turn this into a SAHM versus working mother debate (yawn...)

I work part time and send kids to nursery part time, and do not believe there is a significant difference to the child's personal development either way (i.e. whether or not they go to Day Nursery).

Tommy Tue 22-Mar-05 20:27:49

Do any of these people send their child to nurseries by any chance? I think sometimes working parents feel guilty and make rude comments to SAHMs as their way of dealing with it. What a ridiculous thing to say.
I have been a SAHM since DS1 was born (3y2m) We have always visited parent and baby groups etc and he has a really good group of friends we meet up with twice a week (from the post natal group). He's just started 2 mornings at nursery school and has settled in fine. You are definitely not fouling up your DS's chances - you are probably doing loads of things with him that children in day care don't get to do.
Keep going Polina

handlemecarefully Tue 22-Mar-05 20:30:01

"You are definitely not fouling up your DS's chances - you are probably doing loads of things with him that children in day care don't get to do".

bundle Tue 22-Mar-05 20:31:04

hmc, my thoughts exactly.

mrsflowerpot Tue 22-Mar-05 20:31:05

They are wrong, end of story.

Imagine how insulted they would be if you told them they were damaging their children by using a nursery and not caring for them at home. Which is an equally stupid pov, before I inadvertently kick something off .

SenoraPostrophe Tue 22-Mar-05 20:31:33

hmc - I agree. Not much difference.

bundle Tue 22-Mar-05 20:31:58

Mrsfp, that line is peddled all the time by morons like oliver james..steve biddulph...yawn...

mrsflowerpot Tue 22-Mar-05 20:32:42

yup, it is where I stopped reading the steve biddulph book tbh.

Tommy Tue 22-Mar-05 20:33:54

don't get your point handlemecarefully - she said she wanted experience or advice - just giving my experience in comparison to another child I know whose in nursery - that's all.

handlemecarefully Tue 22-Mar-05 20:34:28

Yes my copy of Raising Boys is also gathering dust

handlemecarefully Tue 22-Mar-05 20:36:20

Tommy - it's just that your statement that her child would get to do things that those in day care don't get to do is IMO equally as provocative as the silly people who told Polina that her son would miss out if he didn't go to Day Nursery.....

But maybe you didn't mean it that way and I am being over sensitive?

lockets Tue 22-Mar-05 20:37:20

Message withdrawn

vicdubya Tue 22-Mar-05 20:37:37

What a load of complete tripe!

My mum was a sahm as I guess a lot of mums were in "those" days and she taught me & my sister to read before we went to school ( we wanted to, she didn;t force us!!!) and when we went into school we were way ahead.

Nowadays there are so many activities you can take little ones to which provide them with social contact not to mention development - Tumble Tots, Sign & Rhyme, etc etc, on top of whatever you may be doing with them at home. And I guess you will also take ds to playgroup / preschool when he is older.

This smacks of a lot of working parent guilt to me!!!

Gobbledigook Tue 22-Mar-05 20:40:54

I've not read the other posts but I've never heard such a big pile of shit in all my life!

I'm a SAHM (but work freelance from home in the evenings which is what I should be doing now!) and have 3 ds's aged 4, 2 and 7 months. There is no way on this earth, for any amount of money, I'd put my children in a day nursery or with a nanny/childminder - that's my personal choice and it's right for me and my children.

None of them are 'behind' in any way, in fact ds1 who is 4 this week is ahead of his peers in a few aspects (numbers, language and physical ability) - I don't think that's anything to do with having been to nursery or not, it's just him.

I wouldn't worry about it one bit. I personally think you are doing absolutely the right thing and I think it is ideal to be able to look after your own children in their preschool years if at all possible - they will develop and learn exactly the same as a child in nursery - you will be talking to them and showing them things constantly won't you so of course they'll learn just the same.

As long as you get out and about and perhaps go to some toddler groups and meet up with friends with other kids, he won't miss out on developing social skills either.


Tommy Tue 22-Mar-05 20:46:00

I was trying to be encouraging

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