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DS wants to live with his Dad

(6 Posts)
veryconfusedmum Wed 16-Mar-05 15:05:42

My DS ai always saying he wants to live with his Dad. I know they all say stuff like that but its got to a point where I contacted his Dad and asked he felt about it and discovered he's already enquired about a school place (he's just started secondary) etc. I'mgoing to talk to DS tonight and see if he really wants to go or are they just idle threats? I have a feeling that his Dad is encouraging this and also wonder how our DD who is 8yrs will react? My ex DP left us when thay were very young and we didn't hear from him for over 4yrs but they seem to ahve forgotten that and I'ver always tried to be calm and positive when I discuss him wheres I don't think I'm afforded as much fairness!!!
Ex Dp is also getting married in a few weeks ( i get on quite well with his girlfriend) her parents have money and therefore they are able to do more and have more. I know if its what my DP wants I need to just let him go and maybe (hopefully) after a term he will want to come back and will appreciate home more. But what if he doesn't want to come back and resents me because he thinks I wanted him to go in the first place??? Sorry this is so long and don't expect antone to read it but I need to get it all out.
I just want what we all want to have happy kids!

Cha Wed 16-Mar-05 15:26:11

My own brother moved out when he was 13 and went to live with my Dad. He and Mum did not get on and he wanted to be in town near his friends (we lived out in a village). For me it was wonderful, I HATED my brother who made all of our lives a complete misery for years (but that's a whole other story) but it was very, very hard for my Mum. I can imagine that you feel very much as she did, rejected, hurt, a failure. And even more galling when you have been the one who did it all during the long haul. I can only tell you what happened to my family - it released the pressure on my Mum and brother's relationship and they got on better - they are much closer now than they ever were when he was growing up. My sister and I still saw my brother (though not very much, which wasn't a great loss) and I can't say that it adversely affected our relationship with him in the long term, probably made it better than it would have been had he stayed.
Your ds is younger than my brother was and it may purely be a case of the grass is greener. I suppose he is at a time in his life when he is bonding with his Dad and distancing from his Mum. You can only do what you feel is right. Maybe you could try letting him live with your ex in the summer holidays - see how that goes? Unless there is a problem with childcare, which I suppose there is. A trial run would be the way for him and ex and girlfiend to all see how they like it - is there any way they could manage a commute to his school? Or do you live too far away?

starlover Thu 17-Mar-05 11:29:03

I agree with Cha... let him have a trial run and see how he gets on.
A friend of mine has a daughter just a little older than your ds who was adamant she wanted to go and live with her father.
So she went for a month and by the third week she wanted to come home.

The problem was that on her weekend visits to her dad she would be treated and taken out etc etc... so of course she had figured that's how it would be all the time if she lived with him.
She found out that in fact he was more strict with her than her mum was, and that she missed her mum and 2 little brothers immensely...

She is now back at home, and I think appreciates what she has a lot more!

Caligula Thu 17-Mar-05 11:37:51

VCM, I'd agree with the others and let him do it on a trial run basis. Perhaps the Summer Holidays might be a good starting point, so that schools etc., would not be messed up if he changes his mind?

Part of parenting is learning how to let go at each stage of our children's lives, and if this is genuine, rather than a grass is greener thing, then perhaps your DS is feeling the need for some more male influence in his life. I can well imagine that having him at weekends and half holidays may well make your relationship with him better. And if it does turn out to be just a grass is greener thing, the reality check your DS gets (and your exp, as well - sounds like a shit father, tbh, disappearing for 4 years) can only do your family long term good!

The alternative if it were geographically possible, could be 50 50 parenting for him? Is that a realistic option?

veryconfusedmum Thu 17-Mar-05 21:45:47

Thanks for the support. I am tired from crying in secret. Will post tomorrow. Thank you.

nappybaglady Thu 17-Mar-05 21:53:35

This must be so difficult for you. I have no advice to offer, just wanted to let you know that I was wishing you well. You sound like a fantastic mum to be so selflessly considering what is best for your boy and trying to hide your pain from him.

Hope that you continue to get loads of support from MN


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