What would you do?

[kkgirl]

Am so fed up with the attitude of our kids.
DS2 aged 9 swore at his dad last night, and DD has just sworn at me. She has been nagging on about some chocolate my dad gave them on Thursday, asking me to find it, and when I didn't she started playing up, which is standing on our new leather sofa, on the arms, the top and kicking it, which really winds me up. I smacked her leg, because she is being a real pain, and then she swore at me. I ended up crying, because I regret smacking her, but am fed up with working so hard, to get some new stuff for the house, and the kids just have no respect for it or us.

Feel like we are too soft on them, and need to discipline more, not smacking though, but other punishments.

What would you do?

[colditzmum]

Sorry, but if you had smacked me I'd have sworn at you too.

Do they get pocket money? You could deduct 10p for every minute of bad behavior you get?

[nutcracker]

I am having much the same prob with Dd1 (7) at the mo, she just doesn't have any respect for anything and is very selfish.

Not sure what other punishments you could implement other than withdrawing activities that they normally do, or pocket money or soething.

I am totally crap at it myself, so can't really advise properly.

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

kkgirl, got to dash, but if you search for SoupDragon's name and "pasta jar", she has a really good strategy which seems to work well for encouraging more positive behaviour.

[nutcracker]

How old is your Dd Kkgirl ??

[bundle]

definitely mixture of carrot/stick but no smacking

[kkgirl]

My dd is 9 and she is still having strops, kicking and stamping. I think she should have grown out of it by now.
We have done behaviour charts, beads in the jar and all that, but it seems a bit over the top with a 9 year old.
colditzmum - its one thing swearing but what she called me is totally disrespectful, and I expect you will say that so is smacking someone, but when you have got this nonsense day in day out and a twin brother and older brother to deal with as well, well you do lose control sometimes, I respect anyone who hasn't ever smacked their child, but I did say that I am not proud of it, didn't I? I wish I was a better mother,

[Earlybird]

Think I'd tell dd that she can have some chocolate at the end of the day as a reward if she behaves well today. If she continues carrying on, think I'd warn her that a timeout is a consequence, or remove a priviledge - like no telly or computer time. I'd possibly even threaten to dispose of the chocolate completely (bin it, or give it away) if she continues acting in such a disrespectful manner. But whatever you do, warn her about it first so she knows the consequences of continuing to act in that way.

Also sounds as if she could be bored too though. Can you set her up with a project to occupy her?

[nutcracker]

Don't beat yourself up about it Kkgirl. O.k you smacked her and you wish you hadn't, there are thousands of people who have done that before, and i do totally understand why you did.

I agree that at 9 she should be behaving better than that. Is there anytihng you can think of that she has or does that she would really be upset about losing ie tv in her room, dance lessons or something ???

[kkgirl]

This is the problem with dd. She does Brownies, which she wants to leave anyway, but because its the only thing she does to mix with other girls, I want her to stay, or else she is just with her brothers, and they don't really want to include her understandably. The only other thing she does is swimming lessons, and she wouldn't care about missing that, so its chocolate or pocket money, but what is suitable for swearing at me like that. I don't really want to post the actual words on here, its too horrible, but I feel that her punishment should be hard

[colditzmum]

I'm not saying that no-one ever loses it with their child, I do quite often, and I'm not condemning you for smacking her, because if someone was jumping up and down on my new sofa I would want to smack them too, just only saying that her response to being hit seemed quite normal.

[colditzmum]

And I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I don't think you should punish her for swearing at you when you hit her first.

[kkgirl]

I do think I should punish her. because if she wasn't being a pain in the , then I wouldn't have lost it would I?

I can't let this one go, a 9 year old shouldn't call their mother a f b*, should they?

[colditzmum]

No she certainly shouldn't but her swearing was a reaction to being hit, wasn't it? And I think you got off lightly, she only said words, you physically hit her.

[kkgirl]

Colditzmum

Well we are obviously going to disagree on this, whilst I said that I don't agree with smacking being realistic about it, unless you are a saint it does happen when we lose control.
And with all due respect you don't know my situation, or anything about my day to day life, and I know you'll say its no excuse, well thats fine, respect that you are so strong. We're not all so strong though, and some people have more to cope with than others. Anyway thanks for your comments.

[tiffini]

when my Ds is asking for chocolate or sweets and i say no you can have them after tea for good behaviour i no longer get any back chat or tantrums.How did i do it? well after i have said no if he continued to play up i would either destroy the chocolate in front of him and throw it in the bin or eat it myself in front of him. He was mortified each time but it was'nt long before his behaviour improved. (about 6 times)By using either of these tactics he knew the chocolate was gone for good and not just hid in a cupboard, therefore he had nothing to gain by continuing the tantrums. children will have tantrums in the vain hope that you will give in to them and give them what they want but you cant give them something that no longer exsists.

[colditzmum]

kk girl

Not saying that you are evil for smacking, or that I never have or will.

Just that I think further punishing a child for reacting to being hit is wrong.

I am sorry that I have made you angry by posting, but you did ask "what would you do?"

[kkgirl]

Thing is its not really just about the chocolate. She is not on the dining room table, stamping because she can't open the jar which she has collected her comic relief money in. I have told her that we are not friends, I apologised to her for smacking her, but she won't apologise to me for swearing.
She is like this a lot of the time, I guess she wants attention.

[kkgirl]

Colditzmum

You have not made me angry. I feel frustrated, because if she wasn't so high maintenance, everyone would be less stressed out. I have accepted that I shouldn't have hit her, I feel terrible about it, and did the minute it happened, but she pushes the boundaries constantly and it is very difficult to punish her.
I do appreciate all the comments and advice, thats why I came on here,

[Pinotmum]

KKgirl, I think I would have reacted the same as you if I am honest and I would also now feel bad about it. I agree that you can't let her get away with swearing at you as an adult. I would try and introduce a no swearing, no smacking rule for all in the house and explain why it's not acceptable. I think the fact you apologised to her is good even if she hasn't yet. Don't be too hard on yourself as most of us are only human and do make mistakes but the fact we can admit to them is a start to changing.

[purpleturtle]

Can you think of something she would like to take up (maybe to replace Brownies), which she has to earn a right to, IYSWIM?

[psychomum5]

Just to say.....If my 9yr old daughter had been jumping on our leather settee, and I had slapped her, and she had sworn at me, I would probably have slapped her around the face!!!!

I have actually had my eldest swear at me....in my case because I had grounded her for being horrid to her brother (she was just 9 then, and her brother was not quite 3)and I did slap her round the face....she has NEVER sworn since. Not something I am proud of particularly, but there you go. It worked!!

I realised I was losing control, and doing something I said I would never do, which was to hit one of my children, and so had to change my responce first before I could hope for them to start to change their behaviour.

Now, if they are doing anything I don't like, I tell them that if they didn't stop X by the time I got to Y, then Z would happen.
It took a good two weeks to a month before they realised that this was how it worked, and I wasn't budging, but I couldn't wish for better kiddies now.

Yeah, I do still lose it sometimes (I wouldn't be human otherwise, and I would be lying too), and there are the occasional days where I shout more then not, but they seem to be getting further apart, and normally only if they are bored. (ooh....and my hormones sometimes play a part too !!).

If all else fails, do what one of my best friends did to her 11yr old son......she put fairy liquid in his mouth.
He never did it again either, and if he starts getting bolshy, she reminds him of that, and he soon shuts up.

Please remember tho....no one here is a perftect parent, and we all do things on the spur of the moment that we feel ashamed of later. The key thing to remember tho, is that for every thing that we do wrong, as long as we realise that, and makes steps to change, then we are doing the right thing from then on.

No one said this job was easy after all!

OR....just keep this phrase in mind....

I am the perfect parent, I just got given the wrong kids!!!! (works for me)

[tiffini]

my kids have never sworw at me yet but when they do i will use the old trick of washing thier mouths out with soap and water, i know a couple of mums that have done this and it worked first time

[tiffini]

i am the perfect parent, just got given the wrong kids!!!! brilliant pyschomum5.

another one

why do we spend the first year of a childs life teaching them to walk and talk, and the rest of thier lives telling them to shut up and sit down

[ScummyMummy]

What are your plans for today and the weekend kkgirl? How's the routine? Have you been out and about yet? Personally, I tend to flop on Saturday mornings, maybe do a bit of housework or mumsnetting and let my kids get on with sedentary things like telly, mucking about and game cube. Because we've all worked so hard in the week it feels like a time to go easy and generally it's a lovely, relaxing time when we're all together while doing our own things. However, there are times when it doesn't work- the kids need more attention or they squabble or seem out of sorts and bored or whinge or jump about shrieking. Obviously I try and discipline them if their behaviour is out of order but the cause seems to be that their urge to flop isn't as great as mine- the sods! So ultimately I usually have to change direction- get them to the park or play more directly with them for a while or visit friends/family/place of interest. For me it's about biting the bullet and accepting that they need more attention that day no matter how much I wish they didn't.
Personally I would abandon your attempts to get an apology at this point because it could drag on for a very long time and sour your whole weekend. My favourite strategy on bad days when everyone has lost their rag is starting the day again. I say something like: "I really didn't want the day to go like this and I don't think you did either. Can we start the day again?" Usually works, particularly if I have a plan for how the day will then be different- eg a trip to the park or something. Once or twice this has even brought an unprompted apology from my boys but I don't bank on it!

Good luck for the rest of the day, kkgirl.