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does anyone else feel guilty about HAVING to let their baby cry?

(9 Posts)
SummerChicken Thu 16-Oct-08 21:45:48

feeling like the worst mummy in the world today...

I've got a gorgeous but very jealous and regressing 25 month old and an adorable six-month old "velcro baby" who will only bf to sleep and then sleep on me during the day. At night she will sleep for three hours or so at a stretch but only if I let her get into a really deep sleep on my lap first and feed her back to sleep when she wakes. I can live with the nights but the days are a real problem. I've been trying and trying to get her to sleep or settle in other places but not much luck. I used a lot of gentle "no-cry" solutions with ds but with her I haven't got as much time especially as our house is not really babyproofable and I can't leave my toddler unsupervised and he won't go without my attention for long without kicking up a very unrestful commotion...

She's a happy smiling dynamo baby when in my arms, eager for new experiences and not bothered by much but when I put her down all hell breaks loose. She will tolerate a sling for short periods of time but then begins to complain. She gets roaringly overstimulated and exhausted because I have to be cooking, cleaning, tending to my toddler etc and can't get her settled within the "sleep window". My parents have been staying with us and they have given me lots of support but in the end there's no substitute for Mummy for either of the dc's and my parents are leaving soon and I'm thinking HELP! where do I go from here? So far I've managed to keep them both happy for most of the time but I don't know how I'll cope on my own.

I hardly do any housework except what I can manage at unspeakable hours, look like a bag lady, haven't a minute to myself except when she is sleeping on my lap and my son is asleep. Which is OK - they're worth it - except that it still doesn't seem to be enough! What really makes me feel awful is that there are times when I haven't any option but to let her cry - I have her in the same room as me and make reassuring noises but she still behaves as if I'm torturing her. I've become creative about entertaining my toddler at the same time as her but he can't always come last - it isn't fair. And meals have got to be cooked and washing-up done somehow...

I need three of me - one for ds, one for dd, and one to do the housework and cooking and give support to dh who works long hours and is battling with depression. And there's only one of me and a tired muddly one of me at that. It's not all bad, we do have lots of cuddles and laughs together, and we all bounce back but I think lately I'm losing my elastic!

Is there anyone out there who has had the same dilemma with a second baby? Tell me I'm not alone and it isn't hopeless and my daughter isn't going to be emotionally damaged by my neglectful parenting...!

Twelvelegs Thu 16-Oct-08 21:51:44

I haven't but about to, my dcs have gaps of 14mths, 3.5 yrs and soon to be 26 mths. One thing that may work for your toddler is the plan of something lovely you can do each day. As for the baby, needs must.... my last child was like this for eight months but my other dcs were 4 & 3 so we'd play eye spy and such games whilst baby was in arms. I think gradual withdrawal with reassurance is all you can do really.

I do feel for you.... but by the time you find a solution it'll all be over, grin.

Bride1 Thu 16-Oct-08 21:52:55

My younger child occasionally had to cry for short periods while I sorted out my old child's nappy or bathed him or something else essential and didn't have an arm to carry her in. I never liked it but sometimes it was unavoidable.

Ten years on she's a happy, bright child, so she seems to have survived OK. Actually, of my two children she's the more socially-adaptable and confident.

Mandelbrot Thu 16-Oct-08 21:54:31

Q: Do you have the sling on your front or back, and is she facing in or out? I would try putting her on your back, facing your back, if you've not tried that already.

IlanaK Thu 16-Oct-08 21:56:23

I have this a bit with my third baby. SOmetimes he is happy to be under a play gym or whatever. But he also bf to sleep and will not sleep anywhere except on my during hte day (we co-sleep at night). He is 12 weeks now. If we are out and about, I can get him off to sleep in a sling, but at home he will scream the place down if I try to do this as he wants my breast in his mouth and nothing else! Sometimes it is just easier to let him fall asleep on me while bf and just sit there with him on me and let him sleep. Obviously, not much gets done this way!

As to letting him cry, I try very hard not to. But there are certainly times where I have fed him, changed him, ect and he is still grizzly and I have to just let him cry for a short while so I can go to the toilet, do something for my other sons, etc. I would happily carry him in a sling while doing any of these things, but he will not have it!

We can only do our best.

bananabrain Thu 16-Oct-08 23:33:37

You sound as though you're doing brilliantly with your hands very full! I'm sure it won't damage your child at all if she has to be left to cry sometimes. I know it's horrible to have to do it, but there were certainly times with ds2 that I had to. At 16 months he's a very happy toddler with no signs of any emotional scars! Talking to her will be reassuring her that you're still there, even if she keeps crying. It sounds as though she gets loads of cuddles and love, so she's a lucky baby. Just try to make sure YOU get a rest too smile.

cory Fri 17-Oct-08 09:43:43

When I was in this situation I tried to tell myself that a 3yo is going to suffer a lot more from feeling pushed out than a newborn baby. And 8 yrs later ds is perfectly all right. Though he was unlucky- when he got to the toddler stage, big sister became disabled...

Bride1 Fri 17-Oct-08 10:56:41

Yes, that must have been a blow for all the members of your family. Easy to forget, if you're an outsider like me, the effects on the disabled child's siblings.

Alishanty Sat 18-Oct-08 15:39:27

Hi I have a boisterous 2 yr old ds and a 9 wk old dd. Sometimes I do have to let the baby cry, not for long but if my hands are full, like helping ds down the stairs or lifting him out of his high chair it is unavoidable. Luckily I have dp around alot of the time to help out. DD is also quite a clingy baby. I too have a sling but find it hurts and is uncomfortable doing the housework with her in it. I also find my ds plays up when I am feeding the baby as he knows I can't get up! Haven't really got any advice but rest assured you are not alone and I take solace in the fact that it won't last forever. You are doing really well.

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