I am so furious with DD which is pretty much a new experience for me - what would you do?

[soapbox]

DH was picking up the DCs today from school. DS was out of school at 3.35 and then they need to wait until 4pm until DD finishes her ball skills club.

I got a panicked phone call from him at 4.20 saying there was no sign of DD. I said to go into school and check where she was, as sometimes the girls get chatting when getting changed which holds them up.

As I hung up on him, I had a call come through from a land line number which turned out to be DD (10yo) calling from one of her friends house - saying she had gone home with Anna and had been trying to call us to let us know. (my mobile and Dh's mobile both show that she tried several times around 4pm. Neither of us got the call because I was driving at the time and DH went to school without his mobile.

As the calls were made at 4pm from the friends house, then it appears that she also excused herself from her after school club too - and must have left school at 3pm.

I am absolutely furious with her and even more furious at the other parent (who takes a child from school without at least ensuring that the parents know?

DH has been sitting at school for 50mins waiting for her and now we will have to do a round trip of another 50mins to pick her up adn bring her home.

I am plotting the most henious punishments known to small girls and I imagine I am overreacting.

My options are:

1. send her to her room for the evening as soon as she gets home (which I am planning on doing anyway)

1. Say she cannot go to the halloween party that she and this friend have been planning for ages.

1. Cancel her after school hockey and/or netball club until Christmas.

Believe me, there are several more horrible things I feel like doing right now

Or are we to blame for not being in mobile contact?

[SixSpotBonfire]

Whoa, soapbox. At least talk to her face to face first and find out if she had a good reason for blowing out the ball skills club and going to the friend's house. She did at least try and call you, after all.

You are not to blame but there might be more to it than meets the eye.

[Dropdeadfred]

it's irresponsible and I would have a bit of a rant about that aspect - but jeez, rememebr she's only 10 and the pull of an invite to a friend's house is very strong at that age

[ScummyMummy]

Oh soaps, that must have been scary. not surprised you are v cross. She is definitely out of order and has been very thoughtless. As you say, the other parent must be a complete eejit- I'd be furious.

I think your girl will be very very very sorry just from experiencing you as furious and angry and worried and upset particularly as this is quite an unusual experience, I think? I wouldn't worry too much about specific punishments but more about explaining to her in no uncertain terms exactly why you are absolutely livid with her and ensuring that she knows inside out and upside down and round the corner that this mustn't happen again.

[ScummyMummy]

I do agree maybe go gently and wait till you feel a bit calmer... This is a crime of thoughtlessness mainly, isn't it? I bet she will be surprised and sorry and sad that she really scared you and made you feel furious. Feeling a bit alarmed on her behalf as remember t he times when I, a scatterbrained type, made my generally laid back mum furoius via this sort of action. Ity ususally ended in both our tears... Good luck, soapbox.

[soapbox]

You are right of course - I know I am overreacting, but it is just ridiculously stupid and so out of character for her (which I suppose should say something about not coming down too hard on her).

DH was milliseconds from speaking to the Head when she finally got in touch and I dread to think what actions would have been taken once they realised she wasn't in school

[more]

Why is it her (your dd) fault? I would think that it is the afterschool club's fault for letting her "excuse herself". They are paid to look after her. Then the next people/person that would be in my firing line is the mother of the other child, who did not make sure that you knew.

[more]

I am sorry but I failed to understand why it would be a bad thing to have notified the school!!?

You also say yourself that your daughter did try to contact you. She seems to be the only sensible one in this scenario. She never gave up trying to contact her parents to let her know where she was.

[ScummyMummy]

Just explain to her that you were really really scared and ask her what she thinks would have happened if your dh had gone to the head? I think you just need to tell her the truth, tbh. That she is a fab fab kid who you love to pieces and is a star and usually on the ball to boot so you were utterly terrified when she appeared to all intents and purposes to have disappeared. I honestly think that seeing the effect of her action on you and her daddy will be enough.

[SixSpotBonfire]

What is the school policy about afterschool clubs, Soapbox?

My DSs (not even DS1, who is 9) wouldn't be allowed to not go to afterschool club - one of us would have to go and pick him up. this is despite the fact that on a non-club night he can walk home by himself.

[ScummyMummy]

I'm sorry- trying to get hold of soaps was good but going ahead despite not being able to get hold of her was not on. I would be very cross with my boys if they did this. Precisely for the reasons I imagine soaps is cross- because I would be terrified.

[mabanana]

I find anxiety and anger are really closely related emotions. THe time I get angriest with ds is when he is doing stuff connected with his Aspergers, and I get terrified about his future - it's unfair and I am trying to recognise my feelings more. What I'm trying to say is that I can see why you are so angry - it's because you were scared. But your dd didn't mean to scare you. She tried to call you. I think you need to find out what happened, make it clear she cannot just skip after school club without clearing it with you FIRST, no matter how tempting the offer, and not punish as I'm sure if she is the girl you describe in your OP she won't do it again. I would expect her to apologise to you and your dh for giving you a horrible fright.

[soapbox]

I think Scummy is right - it was good that she kept on trying to contact us, but that was a good hour after she had left school with her friend and her mum.

The club is a bit more like after school hockey practise than the proper afterschool scheme. You do need to sign them out of afterschool club, but do not need to for afterschool sports practise.

If DH had gone to the Head then the police would have been involved very quickly I suspect, as it would have been realised quite quickly that she wasn't at sports club. I would have been really upset with her for wasting police and school time, if that had happened.

She is a great child, who is extremely easy to parent, normally and I am extremely grateful for that. I am far from happy with this scenario and will let her know that - but thoughts of banishing her from ever playing sports again as long as she lives, have receded somewhat

Thank you so much for your collective wisdom and for helping me see beyond the red mist

[Chocolateteapot]

I think Scummy is spot on with her advice and Mabanana is right about anxiety and anger. Sorry you've been through this, it must have been horrible. I think if you go in now with one of the punishments you've outlined other than the bedroom one that you will regret it in the morning.

[Chocolateteapot]

Ah, cross posts, glad to see you are feeling a little better

[ScummyMummy]

Good luck again, soaps. I hope it all comes out in the wash and am sure it will.

[SixSpotBonfire]

Glad you're feeling a bit better, Soapbox .

Good luck with it all. Your dd sounds lovely (as you are).

[Aero]

Did you get it all sorted Soapy? I take it the hockey club wasn't cancelled or anything at very short notice?

This has happened at our school with ds1, but I happened to be there to collect as have also dd coming out at normal time.

However, if he'd just not turned up at after school activity club and gone to a mates instead, then I'd be pretty cross too. Phoning is good, but doesn't excuse abandoning club without permission. Also, other parent should have known better than to ok your dd not attending her club and taking her home to her house!

That said, I think a talking to will be enough and she'll feel bad enough once she knows how you feel.

[soapbox]

We got it all sorted out, albeit with lots of tears on her part.

DH picked her up and told her with minimal use of words that we were both very upset and disappointed with her and then left her to stew for the car journey home.

By the time she got home, she was already wailing 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry - I just don't know what I was thinking'

So I spoke to her quietly about how worried we had both been and about what would have happened with the school and police had she called two minutes later than she did. She definitely 'got it'.

I sent her to bed 'to think things over' and went up at 8 for a cuddle and to get things back on an even keel.

So trauma over for now.

I (and she) was incredibly lucky to have such good advice on this thread - it really did make me see that I wasn't so much angry and scared stupid! She was sensible enough to be able to see this too.

Thanks again for all the posts!

[ScummyMummy]

So glad it it all sorted. That sounds v satisfactory all round. I completely empathise with her regretting things utterly before she'd even made it home to face the music! She sounds like a total sweetie, I must say.

[Bink]

Glad it has been sorted.

Re sanctions ... I did just what your dd did, once, at about the same age, and my mum's aunt (then recently retired Headmistress) turned up to collect me in her green Mini. I thought (still in happy playdate fugue state), "How lovely to be collected", until half-way home she quietly pulled in and parked.

How could you have done that to your parents?

she said - and then continued the drive home.

No sanctions would EVER have had that effect. The vision of the Mini dashboard in front of me is still sharp. I never did the like again.