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I am a clingly parent help - Is anyone else like this??

(29 Posts)
cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 09:56:31

DD is 15months old and has always been clingly or that is what I believed. But now I am starting to think I am the clingly one.

She was bf untill about a month ago when I thought that is enough, she was constantly snacking on breast milk and using it for comfort. So I have stopped and her behaviour has improved alot.

I am now a single parent and when dd goes to see exp I feel lonely like somthing is missing, I think it is because I am sooo used to have her with me all the time.

Friday night she stayed at exp's house for the night and was perfectly fine without me,so I m starting to think why am I so over the top, she is 15months old and does not need me all the time.

Also I want to take her to nursey or a childminer so I can work more days but keep putting it off as feel she will not be able to cope. Or they will not look after her as well as I do. Or I feel guilty thinking as a mum you should be with your child as much as possible at this young age.

I have only been out about five times scince dd was born. I feel like a saddo, is anyone else like this?

glasgowgal Sun 12-Oct-08 10:01:08

I was a bit like this with my first child. Sometimes needs must, though, and if you want or need to go back to work, which I did, she will be fine if you leave her with a carer. Also don't feel bad about going out. If she is going to be staying at her dad's regularly, use this time to do something for yourself. It is normal and understandable to feel the way you do but you will probably look back on it and laugh. I didn't even trust my husband with her at times- you seem reasonable grin

LaTrucha Sun 12-Oct-08 10:01:10

I'm sure lots ofpeople are like that! I'm not in the same position but I@m sure others are. It doesn't seem to be making you very happy though. Are you getting out and about with the baby if not by yourself? Is there something you could do while DD is with exp? Swimming? - Well, that's my remedy for everything - but something that suits you?

Anna8888 Sun 12-Oct-08 10:03:06

The sentiments you express in your OP all sound quite normal to me smile. Your DD is very little - it is healthy and loving to want to take care of her yourself.

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:05:24

when dd is with exp I do things like cleaning exercising or just doing things I don't normally have the chance to do like having a bath alone...

I think I have got used to dd not being here in the day and quite enjoy have the time to get my house in order. But the nighttime is difficult.

DD still sleeps in my bed and I usually go to bed same time as her as it tkes me ages to get her to sleep.

I think maybe I need some of my own interests instead of dd being everything in my life.

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:07:22

ok, good to know I am not completly obsessive. I think it is just so hard to let them go as you put so much time and energy into looking after them.

Also always felt dd needed me.

Do you think it would be wise to put some space between us?

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:09:27

You know how people say young children still think they are part of their mum, I think I still think dd is part of me grin

Anna8888 Sun 12-Oct-08 10:10:10

Can you think of some activities out of the house that you can do together, where you would see some other adults and she could play with other children?

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:12:26

we go to play groups when we get the chance, probably 1 per week, also my sister has got 2 older children that she plays with when we go to visit.

shinyhappypeople Sun 12-Oct-08 10:12:55

Hi, I was thinking last night about posting something quite similar. My dd has just turned 1 and Im in the process of splitting from dp. Dp and I are trying to work things out and still be friends, he has said he would like her to stay with him 3 nights during the week, and to have her alternate weekends. Like you, I know Im going to miss her when she is with dp. Since she has been born Im the one who does most of the things for her, like putting her to bed and feeding, now all thats changing and I feel really guilty that Im not doing it for her. Im her mum and should be doing it for her, although I know dp will look after her well, hes going to get a shock though when he has her all to him self at the weekend!!

Hope it all works out for you.

policywonk Sun 12-Oct-08 10:13:16

She's tiny. She doesn't need her own 'space'. You might, however. What do you think you want? If you need to work, then she should be fine with a well-chosen carer. If you don't need to work, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to stay with her all the time.

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:14:27

also yesterday i went for dinner with exp and dd and exp said stop giving her so much attention. I was like what? do you want all my attention for yorself? and he say no but you are constantly fussing over her.

I think its because it is just us 2 now, I just get used to doing everything with her and for her.

ivykaty44 Sun 12-Oct-08 10:15:48

Think quality time - not quantity time

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:17:05

shinyhappypeople - i cannot imagine 3nights per week without dd, it must be very difficult for you, but like you said dp will get a shock when he sees how full on it all is. so is that 3nights in a row? or spread out through out the week?

glasgowgal Sun 12-Oct-08 10:17:34

She is a part of you. You don't need to put space ebetween you and your child. Do what you feel comfortable with, not what you think others expect of you or you will be miserable

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:20:21

I work part time at the momment and just fit days in when ever I can as exp cannot commit to the same days every week to look after dd at the moment. So if she went to nursery then I could work 2days every week.

I just think if i keep her with me all the time she will always be clingly as I am not giving her the chance to develop.

Traceless Sun 12-Oct-08 10:20:23

You do sound excessively clingy. Looking after your child is supposed to be about their needs, not yours. I know people say babies don't need personal space but I think once they are mobile and there are other children around, they do need some space to explore and meet others as their own little person, not just as your appendage. I don't mean you must put babies in nursery (although by the sound of it she'd be fine) I mean jsut to get out of her face a little. Put her down and let her get on with bimbling around aimlessly, without outside interference.

shinyhappypeople Sun 12-Oct-08 10:21:05

It hasnt happened yet, Im dreading it, although I dont think dp has thought it through, I work pt he works full time, not sure what he is planning for the week day mornings when she has stayed with him. At the moment im just going with his plans as I dont want to seem like the awkward one telling him when he can see dd.

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:23:02

TBH - i do sometimes feel that I need some space myself and feel that when I get her back after she has been with exp then we are both happy to see each other as have missed each other, so we don't get fed up of being just us two.

DD loves having family over and seeing new faces.

policywonk Sun 12-Oct-08 10:23:38

Looking back through the OP's posts, I can't see anything that seems 'excessively clingy' at all (apart from her ex's comment, and who knows what the story is there?)

policywonk Sun 12-Oct-08 10:24:56

can'tpick... - if you feel like you need your own space, then you should do what you need to achieve some time for yourself. It must be very tough getting used to being a lone parent.

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:28:30

Re: exp's comment, my parenting style is different to his, he believes the parent is in charge and children should not be allowed to moan and whinge for no reason.

And I also feel the parent is in charge but also feel children will play up and at such a young age I do not really displine dd or speak to her firmily as she is still a baby...

cantpickyourfamily Sun 12-Oct-08 10:30:07

when I say own space, I think maybe dd gouing to nursery in the mornings a few tims a week would be helpful as need to exercise and then could use that time to do house work and things as never bother doing deep cleaning when dd is around.

glasgowgal Sun 12-Oct-08 10:33:35

I think, like any first time parent, you are thinking about it too much. I overanalysed everything. If you are gulity of anything it is of thinking too much about how to do the best for her.

Traceless, there is nothing to suggest she doesn't leave her baby to mooch around on her own or that she is 'in her face'.

cory Sun 12-Oct-08 10:36:03

I don't see anything excessively clingy in still being quite attached to such a small baby- not that long since she was still part of you wink

Absolutely nothing wrong with putting her in nursery for a few hours, but equally nothing wrong with deferring this until she is a little older.

Anna's suggestion of doing activities with her and other parents is a good one; then you will be with her, but will probably find yourself able to relax a bit more; I found this a good halfway house.

Eventually, you will find that things start to change and she will become more independent, more of her own person.

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