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I'm ashamed of my daughter

(96 Posts)
FeelNumb Fri 10-Oct-08 22:28:58

I have two boys and so when I found out I was having a baby girl I was over joyed. I didn't go for pinks etc but bought all the pretty clothes, did the bedroom all pretty, I was looking foward to having a girl so much. I had all these ideas of having a proper dainty girly girl, princess dresses, long hair etc

Then DD was born. It went ok for the first few weeks but then I started getting comments such as "oh isn't she big?!" and "she's like a little rugby player" and I used to go home and look at her and realise she was nothing like I had imagined my daughter to be like. When she was a toddler she always looked scruffy, her hair never grew and if she wasn't dressed in pink, people thought she was a boy. One time someone looked into the buggy and DD had white trousers on and a yellow coat and she was sat there chewing a teddy and they said "oh, 3 boys...bet you'd like a girl next time?" I ended up feeling really resentful towards her sad

Then when she started school she was still bigger than all the other kids, she whinged constantly and the other girls didn't like her. At home she would fart and burp really loud and she just acted like a boy ALL the time. Girls clothes didn't even suit her.

Now she's 9 and still nothing like the other girls. On non uniform day the other girls all go in pretty jeans with trendy tops, DD goes in a tracksuit. She walks like a boy, plays football with the boys. One of the girls even said to her "you should have a willy in your knickers because you don't act like a girl".

DH laughs it off and I wish I could to but I'm just so disapointed with her. How awful is that? I want to ask if she will grow out of it but I know that will just make this post seem even worse.

Dropdeadfred Fri 10-Oct-08 22:30:11

are you for real?

MrsMattie Fri 10-Oct-08 22:30:52

Why are you focussing so much energy on what she looks like? You haven't said a single thing about what she's like as a person. Is she funny, clever, sweet natured?

Yes, it is awful. I feel sorry for her.

Cappuccino Fri 10-Oct-08 22:31:16

get over it

andiem Fri 10-Oct-08 22:31:38

trip trap..........

Plonker Fri 10-Oct-08 22:32:45

sad

NappiesLaGore Fri 10-Oct-08 22:32:51

oh man, thats horrid.

you know, you sitting on these feelings is getting you nowhere. maybe you ought to seek some counselling or something? being all bound up with shame and guilt for your feelings is not giving yourself much room to get to know and love your daughter for who she is. and i know you want to do that, or you wouldnt be posting about it, right?

ask your gp for cbt and then discuss this with them. i bet it all stems from something simple. your beautiful girl deserves a mother free from guilt to love and support her in life. good luck.

Cappuccino Fri 10-Oct-08 22:33:11

ok that was mean maybe

your kids don't come to order

you didn't get what you wanted

you do feel sad yes but she is a person in her own right, she is not yours to keep

she won't be yours to be disappointed with forever - she will grow up to be an adult. Please don't fuck it up for her. Find her good points and enjoy them.

geminigirl Fri 10-Oct-08 22:33:58

Oh Feelnumb, she sounds like a wee pet! It says a lot about her character that she laughs it off...maybe a lesson to be learned? Don't get yourself all wound up over this, she sounds like a happy well adjusted wee girl.

LittlePeanut Fri 10-Oct-08 22:34:59

This is so sad, I really hope it's some sort of sick joke.

How on earth can you be so superficial? When I read the title I was expecting some sort of sordid tale about a DD that had gone off the rails and stolen money from her grandma!

Your poor DD does not deserve your shame. You do.

Miyazaki Fri 10-Oct-08 22:35:20

Nappies... what a great and insightful post.

sheilatakeabow Fri 10-Oct-08 22:36:00

I was a boyish child. Hair never grew, often mistaken for a boy, wore slumpy clothes, got teased because I wasn't all blonde and girly and pretty. Don't know how my mother felt about it, although looking back I think she felt sorry for me more than anything. But, because I was never a girly girl, I didn't grow up thinking boys or looking good were the be-all-and-end-all, and so I got clever-ish and independent. Now, I'm all grown up, I am completely unfussed about how I look/aging/weight etc, because it never defined me, have a wonderful husband, a gorgeous son, and as good a career as most working mothers manage. The archetypal blonde girly girl I went to school with has just been left by her husband, and has no idea how to live without a man. Oh, and ironically, I look a damn sight better too. So, no advice, but possibly a longer view??

MrsMattie Fri 10-Oct-08 22:38:07

I think you need to address your own issues and stop projecting them on to your daughter@FeelNumb.

I'm not attacking you, but seriously, your post exposes your own insecurities and quite limited, unhelpful view of the world.

Your daughter is 9 yrs old. There is nothing wrong with her.

expatinscotland Fri 10-Oct-08 22:38:21

'How awful is that?'

Pretty bad.

I'm so glad neither of my daughters is like me.

I wouldn't wish that on all but my worst enemies.

FangolinaJolly Fri 10-Oct-08 22:40:18

Oh dear,I do so hope this is a joke.So what if she is a bit of a tomboy?

I didn't get the daughter I'd imagined.She cannot walk without help yet,she cannot talk but is learning to sign.She is nearly 3.She is physically a bit misproportioned because of her disabilities.But to me she is my gorgeous dd.She has beautiful eyes and hair,a smile that leaves me stunned by its beauty and she is a bundle of mischief and cuddles.

Please don't judge your daughter purely on her looks.I bet shes a fabulous girl.

onebatmotherofNormanBates Fri 10-Oct-08 22:42:23

Hello FeelNumb.

I notice that this is your first post, so you may well spark a troll alert. I can handle the risk <arms bridge trap-door>

I think that you might also be shot down for the way that you've expressed your feelings (focusing entirely on your daughter's tomboyishness, and mentioning nothing else about her).

However, I think we all have 'wrong' feelings about our children at times. I don't have a huge amount ot offer you, other than that she is clearly a girl with some considerable self-belief and determination - and that I hope you don't get too shot down here.

I'd say go to the bookshop, and look in the 'parenting' section - I bet there's one called 'how to love the kid you've got' or somesuch. In fact, I'm going to google it now.

AbbeyA Fri 10-Oct-08 22:43:18

I hope that you are a troll! Children don't come to order.

morocco Fri 10-Oct-08 22:43:20

sorry you're getting so much stick for this post. it's a brave thing to own up to.

is your dd happy? if she's happy with who she is, then that's the important thing surely? she sounds a typical tomboy - perhaps to be expected with 2 older brothers

but i feel sad for her as I bet she picks up on how you feel. do you spend much time together just you and her? maybe building some 'mum and daughter' time into your week would help you to bond more with her. but doing things she wants to do, maybe not 'girlie stuff' like you might have imagined it to be. get to know her more as a person. it might just help you change the way you feel

BlackEyedDog Fri 10-Oct-08 22:44:26

oh golly you must find some pride in her!

I was very manly till I discovered boys in late teens and was rather gorgeous after that (if I do say so myself) blush

Bless my parents they never commented just encouraged me all the way.

onebatmotherofNormanBates Fri 10-Oct-08 22:44:26

jeez ladies - 'how awful is that?' means that she already feels shit about it and is asking for help not opprobrium.

QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow Fri 10-Oct-08 22:45:12

sad

Poor girl. She must have picked up on how you feel about her by now. Sense your disappointment and shame. For what exactly? That her hair did not grow as you thought it would? That she is taller and "less dainty" than you expected the dream daughter to be?
That she has her own style and dress sense rather than being mums little doll?

Bet it is reciprocal. Bet there is a little girl sitting there fantasizing about her dream mum - one who loved her and cherished her for who she is.

jenwa Fri 10-Oct-08 22:45:14

Its a shame as she had obviously had a difficult time at school by you saying hta girls did not like her and the comment about having a willy in her knickers but she needs your support here. She may feel upset by these remarks and need your support to help her. She may be happy with who she is and actually not want to be very girly.

Does she talk to you about school and her friends? Does she have a good group of friends? As long as she is happy and well loved then that is all that matters.
I remember I was girlie girlie but not at all up there with the top girls at school and am glad I was not as looking at them now they are nothing. They all lost their virginity early (at school age) and ended up in not the best jobs and dont look that great now. (that is not to say all girls are like that, just stating a point that as long as your DD is happy thats all that matters)

expatinscotland Fri 10-Oct-08 22:46:24

i agree, onebat.

just hope she's been really good about hiding any disappointment.

i know that's tough, but it can be done.

WingsofaBatEyeofNewt Fri 10-Oct-08 22:47:18

But how does your daughter feel about these comments do they bother her ?

If she is happy then so should you.

edam Fri 10-Oct-08 22:47:35

poor dd. You clearly know these feelings are wrong, or you wouldn't be asking for help.

Could you just try to drop the grieving for the perfect girly girl of your imagination, and focus on YOUR dd, that gorgeous, funny, clever person who shares you life? Try to see her and find out what's so fantastic about her, not some Barbie doll.

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