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Does anyone else feel guilty about 2nd /3rd children getting less attention?

(17 Posts)
whereismumhiding Thu 09-Oct-08 23:18:38

Feeling guilty at how little activities DD3 gets to do as a baby. She's 8 months now and I finally had time to join a class for her, just before I return to work, to do baby massage which I thought would involve me giving her loads of attention, and not only did she not stay still (obviously there were babies to meet and crawl over) but she was by far the oldest there (the other babies were 1-4 months old!) and I just thought "how rubbish I have been to have not done it earlier for her when she wanted to lay still and be fussed over".

My older two are 4 and 6 and one is full time and one now part time at school and I'm backwards and forwards to/from school 3x day and later/or at weekends for their hobbies (swimming, footie/ afterschool club), or having to keep the household running with shopping/ laundry etc. and desperately trying to fit in some crawling time for DD3. I'm about to return to work part time (hence afterschool club). We seem to have such little time, even when she was first born as DD2 was at preschool then, so I had 4x trips day to drop off /pick up.

She's a happy baby but hates being put in and out of car seat and buggy, which I have to do about 4-5 times a day. She's suddenly started crawling and trying to walk and I wondered how she is getting time to develop at all! Feeling very sorry for her. Do all 3rd children get this deal too? Dont remember DD2 being carted around everywhere like this.

stealthsquiggle Thu 09-Oct-08 23:23:42

I know what you mean - Case in point - I am in the middle of half-heartedly preparing a seriously low key 2nd birthday party for DD. Half of me says she's 2 FGS, she doesn't need a big party - and the other half is remembering the full on party DS had for his 2nd birthday blush

OTOH, I watch DD playing with her big brother and how much she worships him and think that DS never had that sort of companionship at that age.

Swings and roundabouts - or so I keep telling myself!

FAQ Thu 09-Oct-08 23:24:19

yes 'tis the 3rd child's lot in life grin.

Mind you DS3 seems to get spoilt rotten everywhere I take him so he doesn't seem too bothered by it grin

glasgowgal Thu 09-Oct-08 23:24:49

I was like this a bit. But the big ones have to make concessions for the baby too. It's all normal, especially the guilt.

stealthsquiggle Thu 09-Oct-08 23:31:06

One of the mothers at school who has 4 DC confessed the other day that she was really really hoping that No 4 (now 6) didn't develop any time-consuming hobbies as she had no more room in any schedule for anything!

whereismumhiding Fri 10-Oct-08 07:48:51

God yes, Cant have hobbies that spread over more than one day a week. I've limited mine to 2 hobbies each (preferably in same place at same time or at least concurrent) and one shared one. My friend's little boy has just been talented scouted for the junior development team of the local (premiership) football club and she's going for it (of course) as he's so happy about it, but underneath she's devastated for the rest of the family as it means 2 nights a week & all day saturday. She has 4 DC aged 2-8.
Thanks for your posts, as it's made me feel a bit better already. DD3 is chatting happily with her sibs this morning from her highchair and not looking neglected at all!

seeker Fri 10-Oct-08 07:54:49

My ds didn't need his activities - he had his big sister!

AbbeyA Fri 10-Oct-08 08:06:01

I always felt that life was much more exciting for the 2nd and 3rd because they had other DCs to watch and play with. I always felt it was boring for the 1st. Benign neglect was much healthier than all the effort put into my first born. I also feel sorry for all the pfb on these threads, you feel that the younger siblings will have a much easier life once their mother has relaxed a bit!

cory Fri 10-Oct-08 08:11:42

I have felt this a bit, particularly as big sister is disabled and has had a lot of problems over the last 4, so it has had to be about her a lot of the time. Am trying to redress the balance now.

Can't say I ever felt neglected as the second of 4. I thought I was better off not having had the intense attention my big brother was and not being the littlest; my parents seemed to expect more independence of me and that's what I wanted.

cory Fri 10-Oct-08 08:11:43

I have felt this a bit, particularly as big sister is disabled and has had a lot of problems over the last 4, so it has had to be about her a lot of the time. Am trying to redress the balance now.

Can't say I ever felt neglected as the second of 4. I thought I was better off not having had the intense attention my big brother was and not being the littlest; my parents seemed to expect more independence of me and that's what I wanted.

Grumpalina Fri 10-Oct-08 08:21:01

I am the eldest of three and I always rembered feeling that I was the neglected one (the youngest, my brother , was the much longed for son). It felt like the world stopped when he arrived and compared to me and my sister he seemed to get preferential treatment. I felt sister had an easier time of things than me as I had to fight for it (wasn't allowed to wear make-up until 16 but sis allowed at 13 etc etc and lots of things like that).

However we were all talking about this a few weeks ago (all now late 30's ealry 40') and all of us had different perceptions of it. Me and my sister have always felt brother was the favorite an dw e were side lined and he felt we were the favorites and he was the one side lined.

Anyway reading all these posts I'm now feeling guilty that far from having to limit my two DSs hobbies they don't seem to particularly have any (DS1 is v arty not sporty and most clubs seem to be for sports not arts). Now feeling v guilty that I'm neglecting them both.

Grumpalina Fri 10-Oct-08 08:21:04

I am the eldest of three and I always rembered feeling that I was the neglected one (the youngest, my brother , was the much longed for son). It felt like the world stopped when he arrived and compared to me and my sister he seemed to get preferential treatment. I felt sister had an easier time of things than me as I had to fight for it (wasn't allowed to wear make-up until 16 but sis allowed at 13 etc etc and lots of things like that).

However we were all talking about this a few weeks ago (all now late 30's ealry 40') and all of us had different perceptions of it. Me and my sister have always felt brother was the favorite an dw e were side lined and he felt we were the favorites and he was the one side lined.

Anyway reading all these posts I'm now feeling guilty that far from having to limit my two DSs hobbies they don't seem to particularly have any (DS1 is v arty not sporty and most clubs seem to be for sports not arts). Now feeling v guilty that I'm neglecting them both.

ErnestTheBavarian Fri 10-Oct-08 08:35:25

I have 4 and feel no guilt that 1 gets more/less attention than another. dc4 (4 months) certainly gets more than the others atm, as they're now all out at school during day, and they all fuss over her when they come back, ds3 ets home before ds1 & 2, so he gets a couple of hours just with me.

What concerns me most I suppose is that they rarely get 1 to 1 time and I know hat's important, but don't see, in a family with 4 kids, how that happens?

mumof2andabit Fri 10-Oct-08 10:28:08

I feel the guilt! I have ds 2 and dd 6months and am pregnant again!! When I look back on all I used to do with ds I don't do a quarter of it with dd also feel bad as ds had lots of friends at this age but otoh I did take dd and ds to seperate swimming classes when she was small but had already done the lessons for 2 years with ds I decided it was a waste of money! No pleasing some people....

Nemoandthefishes Fri 10-Oct-08 10:32:53

now I am the opposite as DD2[21mths] seems to get the most attention mainly because she demands it so dd1[2.9yrs] and ds[5] tend to entertain themselves more..lol

ohdearwhatamess Fri 10-Oct-08 16:50:01

Yes, but I hope to make it up to ds2 when ds1 starts pre-school.

I am forever forgetting which room I left him in, or leaving him in the car or pushchair. There was no chance of that with ds1.

expatinscotland Fri 10-Oct-08 16:52:27

no, i don't feel guilty at all.

those classes are a rip off, tbh, more about the mother than the baby, and i think they get more out of having siblings long-term, tbh.

i have an older sister but always wanted another sibling.

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