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Would it be wrong of me to not instigate contact?

(9 Posts)
MrsSnape Sun 05-Oct-08 10:28:53

My children's father has never shown much interest in the kids, he see's them when he has to basically and there is no contact in between by phone or anything like that.

Since he split with his girlfriend he has been even worse. If he 'takes them out' for the day he basically takes them to his mother's and has them sat watching TV for hours. They get bord.

He won't take them to the cinema or anywhere interesting because he 'has no money'. I know for a fact he got paid last friday so he could have taken them out then but didn't bother.

Anyway, every weekend I find myself phoning, texting, emailing etc to ask if he's taking the kids out. Most of the time I get ignored completely. Last time I actually got through to him I asked "what time are you picking the kids up?" and he replied "dunno, when I get up" hmm When he did come he took them to his ex's house and sat watching TV whilst the kids played with her kids.

I'm starting to wonder if he would actually have them at all if I didn't instigate it every weekend. This weekend I didn't bother to contact him and needless to say, he didn't bother to contact me either. I've decided that I'm not going to bother contacting him anymore at all, if he wants them, he can bloody well make the effort and contact me.

Am I being out of order?

Ebb Sun 05-Oct-08 10:50:52

I might get flamed for saying this but to be honest I wouldn't bother contacting him. If he can't be bothered to see his own kids then that's his loss. Obviously if your Dc's want to see him then that's different.

AMumInScotland Sun 05-Oct-08 15:49:13

Am I remembering rightly that your DC are not tiny any more MrsSnape? I mean, they're old enough to be taken to interesting things if he could be bothered to try? I know some fathers find small children a bit incomprehensible, specially if they don't see them very often, but I don't think yours are at that stage any more.

TBH I certainly wouldn't be chasing round every weekend to get him to do something with them. If nothing else, that must get in the way of you making plans to do things. If you don't want to stop completely, maybe you could switch to alternate weekends, so that half the weekends you can plan what to do, or just have a relaxed time with the DC without thinking about him.

But it certainly should be up to him to sort out the arrangements, not for you to have to try to organise it.

Leenie Sun 05-Oct-08 17:35:32

I totally agree with Ebb, imo if he can't be bothered to initiate contact or even plan something to do with them when he does have them, then let them spend time with someone who obviously does want to spend time and be around them, either you or their friends/family, if that is his attitude they probably don't benefit much from being sent to him every weekend anyway hmm i.m not in anyway saying stop contact, but maybe by letting him contact you, when he realises that he hasnt heard from you and kids, it might give him a kick up the arse and he might realise what he is missing. good Luck x

Leenie Sun 05-Oct-08 17:35:34

I totally agree with Ebb, imo if he can't be bothered to initiate contact or even plan something to do with them when he does have them, then let them spend time with someone who obviously does want to spend time and be around them, either you or their friends/family, if that is his attitude they probably don't benefit much from being sent to him every weekend anyway hmm i.m not in anyway saying stop contact, but maybe by letting him contact you, when he realises that he hasnt heard from you and kids, it might give him a kick up the arse and he might realise what he is missing. good Luck x

noonki Sun 05-Oct-08 17:50:22

Do your kids show an interest in him?
Are they happy to see him?
Do they want to know their dad?
If yes to any of those then it would be unreasbonable to stop instigating it,

but if they are just bored maybe discuss it with him, give him ideas what to do etc...

wahwah Sun 05-Oct-08 20:45:18

Agree with Noonki. If your children are old enough to talk to, then ask them how they feel and what they want.

MrsSnape Sun 05-Oct-08 21:57:27

The kids are 7 and 9. In the past 3 years I have invited him to every parent school assembly, every school play, ever achievement presentation, every karate competition....he has not turned up to any at all.

DS1 doesn't like going with his dad at all, DS1 used to be all up for going but he's starting to go the same way as DS1.

For instance, yesterday he asked me "are we going with dad this weekend?" I replied "I don't know, he hasn't phoned so I don't think so" so he said "Can we make our pinata then?" as if he was relieved.

LadyBabo Sun 05-Oct-08 23:44:45

Mrs Snape, you have done your best!
My dh has never been told about any presentations / school play / carol concert / parents evening / or even if dsd has a weeks school hols!
The only reason we find out anything now is if dsd tells us / asks us if we will come - and of course we do if at all possible. Perhaps your 9 year old would like to ring your ex and say 'hey dad there's a film we'd like to see this weekend?'

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