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Help needed...Im at my wits end with my DD! I feel like im either neurotic or sending a lamb to the slaughter every day!

(21 Posts)
Nixz Mon 29-Sep-08 11:57:12

Basically, my DD (7.5) has worn me out, she is such hard work, heres why...

Her dad and i split up at the end of the school term (July). We were supposed to be moving away, she left school and i left my job but out of the blue he left. She has only seen him once since then, although he has begun to keep in touch with her better this last week and he is visiting her this wk also. She became so upset about returning to her old school and made such a fuss that i decided to enroll her in another school. I wasnt sure how she was dealing with her dad leaving and thought that it was her way of dealing with things. It goes much deeper but im trying to be brief. My dd is very very deep and wont talk about anything at all. She will sit and ask questions and talk until 2am if i let her but she wont talk about herself or her feelings. Her reactions are always to cry out, scratch herself all over and say leave me alone, i dont feel well. Therefore, i have no idea whats going on in her head. Im exhausted with trying, with leaving it, with suggestions etc etc.

Every day in school she says she feels ill, (she did do this a fair bit in her old school, but not to this extent) Thing is, i actually think she MAKES her self feel ill! Its crazy! She is at home again with me today as she sobbed and sobbed in school and i had to ocme get her. Everytime she has to go to school, talk, do something she doesnt want to do, she make s such a fuss about not being well, cries, shouts works herself up etc. I KNOW she struggles with some things, she has pretty severe exzema and has just finished a course of steroids (the first time in years) but her skin hasnt improved...due to stress?

My dd wont talk, she is so unhappy, she is complaining of feeling ill al the time, she is either crying or shouting or scratching or rubbing...you get the picture!
Im goingto the drs with her today and i wanted her tested for everything, if the results come back negative for everything, do i say "ok, your not ill...get on with it"??? Why would she be saying, acting or living like this if she didnt beleive it herself?

Im hopless at trying to explain her ways and actions, but its just not right. Im a trainee teacher, im NOT soft or neurotic and have seen hundreds of children and worked with them as a ta for years and I dont remember ever seeing a child so complex before.

She has no concentration span and she needs constant attention from others. Today, in her school church service, there were 300 children and my dd was the only one not singing and looking miserable.
WHat do I do? Its not healthy for a child to be feeling like this but im lost with what to do....anyone help?

WilyWombat Mon 29-Sep-08 12:01:56

I would saying she sounds more unhappy than ill and needs to learn to communicate - I dont know who you would need to see to help with that.

I was unhappy at school and although it may seem like she is making a fuss to you it is important to her, can you imagine going in to a job that made you that miserable every day?

PoorOldEnid Mon 29-Sep-08 12:05:04

she sounds desperately unhappy

and I know it must be wearing and you are coping with your own upset but she needs to be able to communicate with you

"She will sit and ask questions and talk until 2am if i let her but she wont talk about herself or her feelings. Her reactions are always to cry out, scratch herself all over and say leave me alone, i dont feel well"

not many 7 year olds will tlak about themselves or feelings

she prob doesnt UNDERSTAND herself and her feelings

she sounds as though she could do with some gentle therapy - a homeopath in the first instance maybe?

PoorOldEnid Mon 29-Sep-08 12:06:29

and she has had a dreadful year full of turmoil

Nixz Mon 29-Sep-08 12:22:58

Pooroldenid, i realise that not many 7 years olds would approach their parents and say "well. what a bitch of a day ive had ..." They just dont have the understanding but my dd will lie or use scapegoats rather than say something simple like, "Its weird going to a new school mum" or somthing similar, if i ask her if she had a nice time at her friends house, she wont be able to answer that either. Its like the effort of recalling something is just way too much like hard work, either that, or she doesnt have the brain power, maybe due to too many things in her head??! SHe has always been like this though, even when things were great at home.

I have just started taking her to 'relaxation' sessions where she has 1:1 with a child development worker in a sensory room.

I also agree that if she isnt ill, then she must be deeply unhappy...but what do i do??

PoorOldEnid Mon 29-Sep-08 12:23:54

relaxations sessions sound good

does she have any outside interests, sport etc

Nixz Mon 29-Sep-08 12:50:15

Yes, she goes to dancing, a church club, the relaxation sessions and is also starting swimming as Rainbows has finished. We have lots of friends and she can have her friends over whenever she wants.

Im seriously thinking that she is depressed or is suffering from anxiety as when she is doing what she wants or in her home, she is ok. Its when she goes somewhere she doesnt want to or has to deal with something she doesnt want to that the problems begin.

I have a drs appt at 1.30pm.

PoorOldEnid Mon 29-Sep-08 12:51:40

yes she does sound depressed and anxious

I have a dd who is very moody and clingy (although no family trauma here) and I know how you can lose your patience with it but I think your dd needs to see that you are on her side totally and unconditionally.

PoorOldEnid Mon 29-Sep-08 12:56:38

mine (nearly 9) needs babying sometimes and it is easy to lose sight of that (I have two other, younger, dds)

dittany Mon 29-Sep-08 13:01:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piratecat Mon 29-Sep-08 13:02:07

i think she couldbe depressed, anxious all that. If you thik it it's prob right.

my dd is going to a counsellor atm. It must be so hard for you both. Do you have a good gp, who could sort you some counseling. Mine is workng out quite well, as i get to see her alone too.

oneplusone Mon 29-Sep-08 14:24:53

Is there someone other than yourself she might be able to open up to? An auntie, teacher etc? If there is perhaps you could try and arrange for them to spend some time together and she might say something to the other person. Sometimes I think it's hard for Dc's to talk to mum about difficult/painful stuff, and easier with someone not so close to home IYKWIM. Good Luck.

Perhaps a really nice relaxed day out, just the two of you, with no pressure on her to talk, just do nice stuff that she likes, might help her relax and talk too.

Nixz Mon 29-Sep-08 14:59:22

GP has given her antibiotics for her nasel infection and her excema.

She had a good chat with dd about how her geart, tummy etc are all ok and that maybe it was something else bothering her.

DD kind of hinted towards (and she only did this because id exploded this morning at home because i didnt know how i could help her if she wouldnt tell me how she felt etc sad )the fact that school was fine, but that she would just rather be with me......incase anything bad happened to me and i needed her help sad sad
She said she wasnt bothered if anything bad happened to her but that i had no one to look after me now that dp had gone.

I tried to remain straightfaced...my heart was breaking.

So some sort of seperation anxiety it may be, she suggested i spk to school nurse, try to have some sort of little chats with her and have someone she can talk to who is at school or maybe arrange for her to have a member of staff she could talk to.

Not sure how this will happen tbh as the school nurses case load is massive.

LurkerOfTheUniverse Mon 29-Sep-08 15:05:16

bless her heart sadlots of tlc and time with you may help & loads of reassurance

maybe start talking to her about how you feel about things, she may start opening up

a massive hug also

Nixz Mon 29-Sep-08 15:14:09

Thanks grin

I have talked, wrote letters, left notes, sat with my finger on my lips so she can say something and i wont speak, ive pushed it, ive left it, ive encouraged it, ive been all 'whatever' about it!!!!!!!!!!

I think thats just how she is but i want her to know the difference between being ill and being sad or worried.

i shall think about the school nurse option, perhaps it is time to involve the school.

dontbitemytoes Mon 29-Sep-08 16:04:01

Nixz, i'm sorry your dd is going through this, and you sound amazingly patient with here and have tried everything to help her. I'm glad she managed to open up a little to the doctor today.

just a thought, but could you leave a mobile with the teacher for her to ring you on at break/lunchtimes so she can be reassured? If you are always on the end of a phone and always doing something boring when she rings, eg telling her you're doing the ironing, or something else she wouldn't want to be involved in, perhaps this might lessen her anxiety? and once she starts relaxing, then you could talk with her about reducing the phonecalls?

i've no older children of my own to second guess whether this would work, but it might be a way of getting her to school, and helping her anxiety - if the school will allow it of course.

HTH.

sarah293 Mon 29-Sep-08 16:08:14

Message withdrawn

Nixz Mon 29-Sep-08 17:40:29

Dontbitemytoes...what a lovely idea, thankyou

sezzabear Fri 10-Oct-08 01:09:15

Shes probably worried that because her dads not around all the time anymore that you mite 'leave' her as well(which is what i'd imagine it would feel like 4 her)...this must be a huge change for her. Hopefully there will be some way that you can let her know you'll always be there 4 her.

Shylily Mon 13-Oct-08 21:09:00

I've just read 'How to talk so children listen and how to listen so children talk'. Have you read it? It's right up my ally as it's got comic strips for examples! wink
Might give you some ideas on how to help her talk to you?
Good luck. I really like Dontbitemytoes' idea also.

saggyhairyarse Mon 13-Oct-08 21:38:44

Deffo get her checked out by the Dr and then if her issues are psychological ask for her to be referred to a counsellor/play therpaist/psychologist.

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