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JUULE are you there? I need your help [smile]

(11 Posts)
whitebeachesandcoconutoil Tue 23-Sep-08 09:35:06

I read your advise on another thread and you seem to be quite n the know about sleepsmile
i have co-slept with my lo [he is 3 on the 30th] since he was born only having a couple of breaks but we have always gone back to it.
i actually quite like being with him but am currently sleeping on the floor next to his bed rather than in our double bed.in my mind i think that at least he is in his own bed so he will eventually get used to being in his own bed and on his own.
but my quetion is will he grow out fo co-sleeping himself or do i have to be harsh and secondly if we are to carry on co sleeping shall i put him back into our double bed with me and dh.
i know probably i will get some 'looks' that i don't sleep with dh but that is just how it has happened.
gosh i am rambling but do you understand what i am trying to say.
probably i am also being very pfb but i waited 13 years for my little man and we have a lovely relationship and i just want the best for him-even if it means i have to be toughsad

EffiePerine Tue 23-Sep-08 09:44:05

Sorry am not juuule wink but have you tried a gradual retreat approach? This is where you start off where you are, then gradually reduce the amount of contact, e.g. lying with him till he falls asleep - sitting next to his bed holding hands - sitting next to bed without hands - moving your chair nearer to the door and so on. Takes a while but can be a gentler way of encouraging him to fall asleep on his own without freaking him out too much

In your position, I'd at least try sneaking off to my own bed once he is asleep. Or does he wake in teh night needing you?

whitebeachesandcoconutoil Tue 23-Sep-08 09:53:00

hello effieperrine that is the problem he wakes a couple of times a night and calls out for me and when he finds me cuddles me so tight like i am going to leave him forever. when i have left him to go and sleep in our bed when he has cried out i go to him and he will say you left me and be crying and so invariably i end up just sleeping with him.
i feel i have to add that he is quite confident what i guess i am trying to say is that this is the only 'problem' we have everthing else he does is normal he not particularly shy etc

EffiePerine Tue 23-Sep-08 10:03:31

we have this atm with DS (nearly 2) - he goes to sleep OK in his cot (with me holdoig his hand) but has taken to waking at 5am ish and coming into bed with us for a cuddle. Have to say I'm going with it for now (am also pg) but I'm not sleeping on the floor!

Any other way of comforting him in the night? Cuddly toy, nightlight? We find if DS wakes in the early early hours a firm 'sleep time, go back to sleep' can work... just not at 5am.

Could you move from cuddling to sleep to holding his hand? DS is used to this now: I say I'll get a chair and my book and he repeats 'chair! book! hand!' then drops off. Once you're there you could try backing off a bit more and see how he manages it.

On teh plus side, he's old enough to tell you what he wants and to understand if you need him to sleep on his own.

juuule Tue 23-Sep-08 12:41:03

Hi whitebeaches,

Not sure if I can help but I can tell you some of the things that we did.

I don't sleep well with a little one in our bed once they start rummaging about so at that point i would rather ours were in their own bed.
Do you go back to your own bed once he's fallen asleep. That's what we used to do.

Have you got a camp bed that you could fit at the side of your bed?
When ours woke up and wandered into our bedroom they knew they could get into the camp bed as long as they stayed quiet and went to sleep, otherwise they would have to go back to their own bed. That worked for a couple as they just wanted to be near us.

We have also got into the child's bed until they've dropped off to sleep. Whether that was the beginning of the night or during the night. We took turns at that so that one of us would get a night's sleep.

Other variations - we still have the cot up in our room for our now 5yo to get into if she feels the need.

We found that our children did grow out of needing to be with us all the time and got used to being in their own bed without us having to be harsh when we knew they were uneasy being away from us.
Entirely up to you whether you let him back in your bed. If you're comfortable with it, why not? I preferred my space as they got older.

Of course, as they got older we knew when they really were just pulling delaying tactics before going to bed and so were somewhat firmer. But that was when they were older than 3yo and it was dependant on the temperament of the child.

HTH in some way.

juuule Tue 23-Sep-08 12:42:58

Oh just wanted to add.
I don't think that you have to be tough with him on this one. You sound as though you have a close relationship and that can only be good for him and your family imo.

onwardandupward Tue 23-Sep-08 17:25:47

I think children grow out of needing parental comfort at night, but they grow out of it at their own pace.

If you are wanting to hurry the process along, the best way you can do that is to just fill him up with all the reassurance he needs that you are available to comfort him at night, IMO.

Nothing wrong with night time musical beds IMO

whitebeachesandcoconutoil Wed 24-Sep-08 07:54:09

Ah thankyou-I guess i just wanted the reassurance that he will grow out of it.
i am very close to him we have such fun together and if i am truly honest i would miss him blush they grow up so quickly -i cant beleive he goes to preschool next year thank goodness i had a september baby at least i get another yearsmile.
i am very lucky cos my husband the same as me and would rather him feel safe than him crying cos we are not there so thankyou all of you.
i think sometimes when you are not in a 'box' you feel you are wrong.

onwardandupward Wed 24-Sep-08 08:55:40

"i cant beleive he goes to preschool next year "

... if you choose to send him wink

(Juuule and I both spend a lot of time in the Home Education thread... )

whitebeachesandcoconutoil Wed 24-Sep-08 18:47:39

DO i get a choice? if s so i did not realise the longher i can keep him with me the happier i would be grin really. . . does he not have to go [worries that everyone is now gonna think i am obsessed with my son and am a complete nightmnare] i just thought he had to go!

Twelvelegs Wed 24-Sep-08 18:54:40

Or you could make a big mistake and do long period of controlled crying, when your child has only not gone to sleep well for a few nights (but didevery night middle of the night time waking and even then this was reducing, in hindsight) and discover the next day she has the very painful hand, foot and mouth!!! I truly feel like the world's best mother! blush

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