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Am I a bad mother?!!

(25 Posts)
pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 16:18:20

The last thing I wanted to do today was spend a long period with my ds he is 25 months old. What I want to do is do exactly what I want to do. Which today involved reading in bed, a nap, an uninterupted lunch, mumsnet....quietness no little person to tidy up for, dress, change nappy, feed etc.

Thank goodness my spectacular parents offered to take him out for the afternoon. They also have him about twice a week and my Dad has recently put in a new kitchen for us.

So I do have support but I'm so fed up with childcare....feel like I can't cope - Ds is gorgeous and I love him but he's such hard work at times...still in the 'hitting' stage I'm often hit round the face....and I want to scream at him and say is this the thanks I get???!!!

I think I just feel my life is going down the pan...dh is fulfilled in his work...I didn't really get a chance to start a career...

Probably doesn't help that I have a cold and I'm pregnant. That's the other thing I should be happy about that surely? Was when I first found out but after today don't what I'll do with another one.

One last thing, am I the only one to be completely and utterly bored of all parks, dh thinks I'm just negative when I say I go to them all week!

Sorry for the long rant and TIA

mumblechum Sun 14-Sep-08 16:26:20

You sound pretty normal to me, the few times when I haven't had a job I've found full time parenting deeply deeply tedious.

At the risk of sounding like Xenia, maybe some time in the next year or two you might want to get a part time job to give you a bit of an interest outside children.

bronze Sun 14-Sep-08 16:28:52

I think you sound normal. I know not everyone feels like that but its not abnormal to. I have days where I want to get away. Its because its so full on all the time and we're only human.

pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 16:33:58

Thanks for the quick reply mumblechum I've started helping out two days a week with dh - he has a very small business i.e just him! But I don't find it fulfilling... would love to just hire a studio and paint everyday but with our incomes so erratic as it is would never afford childcare.

Feel awful to be wishing away the years before ds starts school.

Just not sure I'm a good mother...I dread being with him on my own sometimes. Often once I'm doing it it isn't so bad though.

DoubleBluff Sun 14-Sep-08 16:37:21

Not a bad mother at all.
I find being a parent dull. Esp when Ds's were at the park stage and as for soft play Arrgghhh!
It does get better and as they get older you will get mor 'me' time.
Thsi yr on holiday i manged to read 2 books as DS's are now old enought o go in the pool on their own. Bliss.

mrsgboring Sun 14-Sep-08 16:39:50

I've had periods like that. 25 months is a pretty thankless age and very full on.

Pregnancy is a lousy, disgusting sick joke perpetrated by God (and I say this as a fairly committed Christian) so you are bound to feel crap. How pregnant are you? I am seven weeks and feeling seriously awful.

Parks are dull. You don't have to like them, honestly.

giraffescantdancethetango Sun 14-Sep-08 16:40:05

do you have other people you can meet up with?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Sun 14-Sep-08 16:40:47

have you tried joining in at the park? i hated the park but now there is a bigger swing like a giant sat dish that me and dd can fit in together in my park!

oh the fun. dd1 is not too keen though. she likes it at first but after the first 30 mins gets a bit bored and wants to go on something else sad

its a geat ab work out too! joining in maybe a bit impractical atm while you are pg but keep it in mind for afterwards. climbing frames are great fun too. the slides in our local park arent big enough for anyone taller than 3ft though.

pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 16:43:05

Thanks bronze and wow doublebluff! That's actually brought tears to my eyes!

You see taking my ds to the cinema when he's older does sound fun... maybe I'll be a better mum to 5 and overs? Do others find this?

Joolyjoolyjoo Sun 14-Sep-08 16:48:14

I don't think you are a bad parent- I've just had to throw my 2 girls (4 and 3) over to my dad's this afternoon, cos they are driving me up the wall and I can't cope with their constant "can we have"s and "she did this" and "muuuumm!" and playing various musical (but very unmelodious) instruments at top volume while I was trying to get ds (10mths) to sleep. I think we are all glad to see the back of our kids for an hour or two every now and then- just for some sanity! (Or maybe I'm a bad mum along with you)

pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 16:50:39

I don't have a choice to not join in at the park at the mo! I think we might have one of those swings....If I don't join in its a screeching MUUUMEEEE!!!!

Sorry I know I probably sound completely negative!

I'm nearly 16 weeks.

I find the Mums in my area are all 30+ which is fine, I'm 26. But it means most of them had something to go back to or they seem to be happy because they had all their freedom in their 20s.

I have two really nice 30+ Mum friends but my closest friends from Uni are having amazing careers so it seems and arn't even thinking of children yet.

Ds is very loved but he was not planned to sat the least!

pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 16:53:54

I love that Joolyjoolyjoo throwing your kids to your Dads!

findtheriver Sun 14-Sep-08 16:58:40

Absolutely pinktree! I think there's a huge conspiracy to make us feel that newborns and toddlers are lovely and sweet and adorable and how terrible we must be if we ever dare to admit otherwise?
The reality is that newborns are not particularly interesting (and I'm aware that like a previous poster I may be at risk of sounding like Xenia!!) I of course adored my babies, but for a long time you are feeding, changing, rocking them and not really getting an awful lot back, apart from that huge, awe inspiring love you feel for them, but that unfortunately doesnt make you feel intellectually stimulated. Then you reach the toddler stage, and they become more interesting as they develop their personality and walk and talk, but even so, a lot of the day to day stuff isnt hugely interesting. Personally I found the 7 ish up to teens stage really good fun - when you can reason with them, let them have increasing independence but still tell them what to do!! Teenagers can be stroppy and difficult, though having said that, my dh has hit his parenting peak at this stage - he is fantastic with our three. So, yes, I think different people have different 'favourite stages' and it's certainly nothing to feel guilty about. If it's any consolation, think back to your own childhood - there's probably nothing you remember before about 2/3 years, and then only fleeting memories, and probably most of the stuff is from quite a bit older. I'm not saying those early years aren't important - of course they are - but that rather than getting completely hung up about the preschool years, accept that your children's memories will be of what you did with them when they're older.
I also think that if you are truly not cut out for being at home 24/7 (and many of us choose not to be) then think about getting some employment you enjoy.

DoubleBluff Sun 14-Sep-08 17:02:46

The advantage off having your kids earlier is that you will still have time to get a career started when they are abit older.
My neighbour is 28 and has an 8 yr old and a 3 yr old. She starts her midwifery course next week.
And I think as she has been a parent she will make a much better mid wife than if she had done it in her early twenties.
ALl thing happen for a reason.
Grin and bear it, it will get better and find thing s to do that are fun for both you and DC's like swimming (?) - which I hate!
We go on bike rides now they are older which we all enjoy and hikes and picnics.
Hang on in there!

pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 17:07:45

Thanks findtheriver

The thing is the employment I want won't pay at the beginning...

I didn't get enough work experience when I left uni to now get a job in what I studied plus there aren't many jobs outside London for a textile designer/illustrator.

I'm not trained in anything else and at the mo we can't afford for me to study in something more mainstream.

Which leaves something like teaching assistant, shop assistant, working at the counsel etc all of which I doubt would cover childcare costs.

So frustrating!

pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 17:12:04

That's true doublebluff i was a bit taken aback to be honest when both midwifes who delivered ds had no children!

I'm an irritable, erratic, spotty rec at the mo and I just need to vent I think!

DoubleBluff Sun 14-Sep-08 17:23:41

Start your own business!!

pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 17:32:00

hmmm that's got me thinking doublebluff wink

Clary Sun 14-Sep-08 17:41:37

oh pinktree.

Firstly, no you are not a bad parent. A Sunday afternoon while gran and grandad have your DS is totally fine. I'm guessing you look after him most of the week - there's no need to give your entire life over to yr children! (tho sometimes it feels like we have done...)

Secondly, IME 18mo to 2.5yrs is about th ehardest time, tho in many ways so rewarding. Yes they learn to walk, talk, run, jump, communitcate more; but oh! is it tiring, esp when you are 1-1 with them all day long.

Take this time and enjoy it whenever you can. And it will help you enjoy your DS more, and the new baby (congrats btw).

I always think when you have a 2yo, then they get to 3, you look back and think "wow! we have got so far!"

When DS2 (3rd child) hit 3, I really felt like we had turned a corner - no more nappies, no more blardy pushchair, he could feed himself, we could go almost anywhere without having to take the contents of the bathroom and kitchen, best of all he could tell us what he wanted! hurrah! It just gets better and better.

It's one of those things no-one tells you - day after day with a toddler can be (whisper it) a bit dull. The same stories, the same soft play, the same climbing frame endlessly.

chloemegjess Sun 14-Sep-08 17:46:21

What about doing something like a party plan buissiness that you can just do when your family or DH can look after DS but it will give you a bit of time to yourself, even if it doesn't pay loads to start with?

I do Usborne book parties etc and I just like going out and doing it to get me out of the house and give me something else to think about. I have an 8 months old and I am pregnant and I am only 21 so I know how you feel about being younger than everybody else with kids.

You might find that if you spend a bit of time without your DS then you wil feel a bit more normal. My mum has taken my DD for the afternoon too and I have got loads done around the house and just feel a bit better in myself when I have had a break from her.

chloemegjess Sun 14-Sep-08 17:47:56

Meant to say, I wasn't advertising Usborne there. There are loads of party plan buissnesses and I was just using an example. But there is ann summers, virgin vie etc depending on what you are into.

pinktree Sun 14-Sep-08 21:15:29

Thanks so much for your help and advice can't say I'm feeling hugely better but it's good to know others sometimes find it difficult/tedious/dull too. Although I feel guilty for saying it!

rosiejoy Fri 19-Sep-08 14:20:59

not sure if anyone's mentioned this, but if you were to be self employed (i read at that beginning you wanted to paint i think?) then you are eligable for tax credits and even the childcare element of taxcredits. im not sure exactly how it works, a friend who is self employed told me she states how many hours she works a work. she is an artist and said that she has to declare the periods when she is working but not earning so that they still qualify for childcare etc. i am in a very similar situation myself, so bored and feeling ,miserable with myself for not enjoying being a mum more! try not to be too hard on yourself, concentrate on taking the best care of yourself you possibly can whilst you are pregnant, and try to do something self indulgent everyday! for me i wear makeup everyday even if we dont go out because it is unnecessary and purely for me, feels a bit frivolous. it just reminds me i do still exist!

mitfordsisters Fri 19-Sep-08 18:11:45

Right, I might get flamed here, but I do think you are being negative.

The friends I have who pursued artistic careers have worked really hard and made sacrifices. And done it for the love of it, more's the point. Are you doing anything useful with you evenings for example?? You can spend all those boring hours at the swings imagining your next project, surely (and being with the kids too!)

And why do you say parks are boring - they're full of nature - learn the names of the trees and the birds.

I'm one of those 30+ mums btw - so annoying aren't we?

meandmyjoe Fri 19-Sep-08 19:29:57

I sympathise, i feel exactly the same. my ds is is 13 months and running around everywhere. Has enormous tantrums already, whinges about everything. I am so bored of parks and nappies, planning everything, food, naps, toys. I make sure that ds is asleep by 7pm and then get the evenings with dh or just on my own if he's working to slob out and do what i want!

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