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(8 Posts)
shoutymum Sat 13-Sep-08 21:02:19

name changed for this. Been hectic summer as moved house, new school, DH away alot and there have been a few times when up to eyes in stress, whining kids, new house hassles and admin when have lost it and shouted. And said not nice things like I just wanted to walk out the door (true at the time), I regreted having kids (I know worst thing to say but true at time too) and just being a horrible shouty frustrated mum.
I do have a short fuse for whining/kids arguing etc and do try hard to diffuse situations before they start etc.
But this seems to have had a huge impact on DD1 (7) who now has a massive anxiety that I am going to leave. If I go out to the garage she watches from the window, she checks I am in house constantly, I have to be the school gate as it opens or she starts to panic. She has told me she is worried she will wake up at night and find me not there. She is starting to border on obbsession and I am so upset/ashamed it has probably been my temper/problems which has started this.
I have tried reassuring her, telling her how much I love her and I didn't mean it, apologising but she seems to be in a state of permanent alert to my presence. Even in bed she is shouting down 'mummy' to check I am still here and I have been up twice in 20 minutes to look in on her to reassure her.
OK so I know I am to blame but how do I help her to rebuild her confidence in me and how do I stop myself blurting out all this stuff because (new house,area etc) she may be the only person I talk to all day. Am working on new mum friends but this takes time too. I do not want to say such things but just so wound up by kids bickering,lack of help,lack of DH's presence, too many things to do I just reach a point where I snap.
How can I make DD trust me again? Just for info I have never left her alone, except maybe in the car for two mins when ran into pharmacy etc.

trumpetgirl Sat 13-Sep-08 21:41:42

Although I agree that you were wrong to say those things, we all do stupid things now and then!
I am a single mum and can appreciate how hard it is to get through a day having only a child for company, but as you said, it will get better when you have settled in your new area.
My dd (5) has been a bit weird for a while, worries that I won't be there if she wakes up in the night etc, and I have no idea what has brought that on! So, maybe it's just a phase. I'm sure that if you keep reassuring her, she will get over it.
I am also pretty sure that since she has had this reaction, you won't be saying anything like that to her again anyway.
Hope things start getting better for you soon

Acinonyx Sat 13-Sep-08 21:56:40

It will be a combination of the things you have said and the move and new school. Without those changes, she may not have been so affected (but then you wouldn't have said them...).

The blurting urge is tough, I know. Do you have any friends you can talk to on the phone? Can you write stuff down in letters or a journal? You need to delay that impulse and keep in mind - blurt in haste - repent endlessly.

We moved recently and it is a lot of hassle and dh travels yada, yada, yada (I'm lucky though as we didn't move far so I still have the same friends within driving distance).

shoutymum Sat 13-Sep-08 22:18:48

blurt in haste! That just about sums me up. I do have friends I can phone but as you say it in an impulse to just explode. Despite my best efforts I did explode again today but tried very hard to contain my words. Know it is circumstantial as DH away all week and today so yet another Sat alone with 3DC. I did start keeping a journal but almost found it worse admitting on paper how I was feeling sometimes.
Hopefully it is just a phrase which has been exaggerated by my comments/new environment. May need to count to a million before I speak. Will continue to reassure her and hope your DD gets over it too Tgirl.

trumpetgirl Sat 13-Sep-08 22:40:07

Just had a thought (about myself mainly)
dd's dad stopped seeing her about 18 months ago... this could be why she has suddenly become worried that I will leave too.
Perhaps the fact that your dh hasn't been around much has worried your dd?

harpomarx Sat 13-Sep-08 22:49:43

think trumpetgirl has a good point. My dd goes through very clingy phases - generally related to times when my ex (her dad) is being unreliable about seeing her. Has your dh always been away a lot or is this something new? I don't suppose your shouting has helped, but perhaps this is what is really at the root of her anxiety - ie she is used to having 2 parents around a lot and suddenly one of them's not there?

shoutymum Sun 14-Sep-08 11:55:27

yes he is usually around but new job (hence the move) for the moment involves more travel. We are all not used to it really so I may be shouting more as feeling a little left alone to get on with (the drudge) things. So really it is another thing for DD1 to get used to.

Perhaps I should be telling her how great she is coping with all these changes to boost self esteem to counteract with the anxiety.
Tgirl hope your DD is OK. Must be tough for little ones when they 'lose' a central figure in their lives.

trumpetgirl Sun 14-Sep-08 22:31:49

I think boosting her self esteem is good, and I'm sure it'll all work out once you're settled.

Thanks for the concern. I'm sure that my dd's life will be better without her dad, rather than having him mess her round continually.
Don't know how to deal with it sometimes, but I'm sure it'll all come good in the end... things usually do

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