Would you take your child to a child/educational psychologist if your spouse/partner was against it?

[bossykate]

hello all

i am pretty sure i want to have ds (aged 7) assessed by a child and/or educational psychologist.

my reasons are as follows:

• ds can be difficult to deal with and the bog-standard behaviour management techniques don't appear to suit him well. i feel there is a lot of conflict and worry that it does not bode well for the future.
• ds seems rather immature in certain aspects of his behaviour, e.g. still has tantrums, in floods of tears over the slightest thing.
• i have never felt that ds is doing particularly well at his (highly regarded, outstanding ofsted-ed, state) school. it may well be that i am just an overly competitive, pushy mum - but i'd rather have an expert assess ds's progress and tell me that rather than continuing to live with this niggle about his progress.

in addition to a proposed assessment, i will be getting out the trusty parenting manuals for some revision!

anyway, i've suggested this to dh and told him my reasons. he is not keen for ds to have this assessment.

should i go ahead anyway?

over to you wise mumsnetters TIA

[LittleBella]

What are his reasoned objections?

[bossykate]

we have not discussed it in depth as we are likely to have a row.

based on previous conversations, they are likely to be along the lines of, "there's nothing to worry about, he's doing fine, he's just a normal seven year old..."

also, won't acknowledge how much we seem to be always criticising and telling off ds.

[Saggarmakersbottomknocker]

Sounds like he might be in denial; having a hard time contemplating that his ds may have problems.

I would try very hard to persuade dh that it was the right thing to do (are school involved, could they help with this?). Failing that, if it is the best interest of your ds then you should go ahead.

[bossykate]

sorry, i should say that i am not seriously worried about ds and i'm certain ds doesn't have any kind of special needs. it's more a feeling that (1) we could be doing better at managing ds's behaviour and (2) an independent, expert view of his progress at school.

[bossykate]

his school reports are glowing, btw. but then that is one of my issues, they seem to be glowing for every child...

[Twiglett]

I think 7 year olds can be everything you have described.

I think you know him best and you need to talk it through again with DH.

I think what you have written in your OP makes it sound rather 'competitive and pushy' like you say .. but that you know the real situation

I certainly believe that the immature aspects in your second point are becuase he's 7 .. he is supposed to be immature .. he's an infant (or just out of infants)

is he year 2? SATS will help you see about his progress against a national average and teachers should be able to give you an idea of his level by april / may

[Acinonyx]

Are you planning to do this privately? If you are sure there are no SN issues and his school is not worried then I'm not sure what the point is. I would probably object too if I were your dp.

[Twiglett]

the problem with an 'assessment' is that it'll be a short meeting rather than an ongoing assessment so is it really valid? And do you want to put him under this pressure to prove himself to someone else?

Can you not go and talk to teacher or do you think they'll continue to flannel you .. I know what you mean about positive reports but if you talk to teacher you can get 'truth' sometimes

[TheFallenMadonna]

I would dust off the parenting manuals before taking him to a psychologist TBH.

[coppertop]

I would argue along the lines that if he is so sure that ds is fine and a typical 7yr-old etc, what better way for him to be proven right than an assessment report from a child psych?

It seems to be fairly common for fathers to be in denial over potential problems. I argued for months with dh over whether ds1 needed to see a Paed.

[bossykate]

i was disappointed by his SATS results, tbh. he has just started Y3. he seems less composed and mature than his friends.

i don't know what to tell you. i have always had a niggle about his progress at the school, as i said, it might well be me being pushy and overly competitive - if so all to the good. if the school is doing fine by him, then that saves us a major headache.

i doubt if the assessment would put ds under any particular pressure - i imagine it'll be a chat and some puzzles?

[bossykate]

exactly, coppertop, that is my thinking, if i end up feeling a bit sheepish and a few £ lighter with ds officially rubber stamped as "a normal 7 year old" where's the harm?

[frankbestfriend]

What were his SATS results?

[bossykate]

twiglett, i honestly think i would get flannel. the school can be defensive and, imho, a little complacent about how "good" it is.

[frankbestfriend]

The reason I asked about his Sats results was to get a better idea of your expectations of your son, and whether these expectations may be a little high.(or not, as the case may be)

[bossykate]

fbf, i thought as much, but if i tell you his results they will only tell you how he is doing wrt to national average, not how well he is doing wrt his abilities. sorry! it will cloud the issue.

leaves mumsnetters to speculate on whether ds's results are:

a) too abysmal to admit to
b) genius already so what is the fuss about
c) average and what middle class mother could bear for her child to be average

[Twiglett]

honestly I think he's a child, a small child .. I have a moral objection to SATs and what it does to parents in terms of competitive angst as well as what they do to children and the education system .. I am delighted to hear potential plans to scrap them

If you think back to when we were in school we were just coming out of INFANTS ... because we were INFANTS

he is extremely young BK .. I assume he's your eldest and seems incredibly old (my eldest is 7 too and just entered year 3 too)

I feel patronising now as only you know your child, but there is nothing that would make me take an NT child who has not been pulled up by school as having an issue to an educational psych just because I think he could do better .. at least I assume there isn't

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[bossykate]

that's interesting, bloss. did you have the complex multi setting assessment that cat64 is talking about? did you need a referral?

tbh i think i have telescoped two things. an educational test i am sure would not be so involved, whereas a behavioural test might need ongoing review.

[bossykate]

i don't disagree with you re SATS, twig. however, SATS or no SATS most (many?) parents want to have a feel for how well or otherwise their child is doing as i said i have had niggles from the get go, before SATS were in the picture.

[jimjamshaslefttheyurt]

Hmm I'd be bit wary of an ed psych too tbh. They would only administer standard assessment scales which I'm not sure would tell you much judging from your OP.

What are your concerns? Are they about his attention/aptitude/gaps between written and verbal work (all ed psych territory) or how to handle him (really not ed psych territory).

I wouldn't worry about a 7 year old being immature. They're allowed to be at 7. DS2's friends vary considerably in their maturity. He still can't lose without floods of tears for example, a friend still has problems being left at parties etc

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[singersgirl]

Bossykate, I pondered the same thing often when DS1, now 10 and just gone into Y6, was younger. In fact a very helpful Mumsnetter even told me lots of details about what an ed psych assessment might/might not do. My DH's attitude was very similar to yours, too.

My worries about DS1 sound similar to yours about your DS. He had particular concentration and physical coordination issues too - always flagged by the school, but never as a real issue. I always felt, and still do to some extent, that DS1's 'true' ability is masked by some 'things' going on, but they're kind of sub-diagnosable.

We did not go down the ed psych route in the end. DH always says that my biggest fear is that DS1 is entirely normal. I maintain that if we'd lived in the US, he'd have an ADHD diagnosis.

I am a lot less worried about him as he grows up, which I guess is proving DH right. He is still hard to deal with, emotionally volatile and unpredictable. He is doing very well at school, though in written work there is still a considerable gap between vocabulary/comprehension/imagination and output. But he is still above average in his written work, just not way above average. I don't feel anymore that he needs assessment. I think just growing up a bit is tremendously helpful.

[streakybacon]

I had this with dh when we first had concerns about our ds (then 3, now age 9). Dh was convinced he was perfectly fine and would grow out of any difficulties, I wasn't so sure. He did agree to ds being referred for assessment when he was 5, but (for complicated reasons) the psychiatrist didn't go ahead with full assessment so dh thought that was the end of it.

A year later I was utterly at the end of my rope with trying to cope with ds and I told dh that I'd really like to have his support with asking for another assessment, but if he continued sticking his head in the sand and denying ds had problems then I'd have to go ahead without it. He did agree and we went on (eventually) to get a formal ASD diagnosis. From that point on he's been much more supportive because he knows that I'm usually right when it comes to ds's needs.

It's true that dads often find it harder to accept something 'wrong' with their kids and it can be difficult to get them on board, but if you truly feel there are issues with your son beyond normal development then you probably need to have your concerns checked out - if he's fine then you've lost nothing, but a dx can open doors if he needs additional support.

Oh, and you can make the referral yourself (via your GP) without additional request/concerns from school or elsewhere. Ds got his dx two years ago while attending a particularly disinterested school who could only focus on his high academic ability and completely disregarded his total social ineptitude in unstructured situations. They didn't see any problem at all but competent psychiatrists, psychologists etc will be able to detect if there are any genuine problems.

Good luck.