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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Is this too much to ask of a 14 year old girl?

26 replies

Bloater · 09/09/2008 17:44

My sister (14) has been bullied non stop since she started primary school at the age of 5. She is a prime target for bullies...ginger hair, over-weight, no fashion interest, suspected aspergers, very babyish interests (like Ben 10 and Mario etc)...

Anyway the school she is at now is the worst in Hull, it's been all over the news the past few days...teachers walking out, kids behaving like animals, 10% GCSE pass mark...absolutely terrible school and has just been placed in special measures. Obviously her life here is awful.

So my mum has decided to transfer her to an all girls school with a better reputation in a better area. I happen to know a few girls her age that go to this school from my karate class and they are all lovely. One in particular is a lovely girl, confident, happy, friendly, a black belt in karate...I was considering asking her if she'd "befriend" my sister when she starts her school. They will be in the same year and would never make friends naturally. Just until my sister makes a friend of her own (however unlikely that may be) or until she settles in.

But I'm wondering if its a lot to ask of a 14 year old girl I barely know? I'm trying to think what I'd react like if I where her parents and in once I'd kind of be proud that someone thought so much of my daughter to ask that but on the other hand...would you want your confident, happy and popular girl being dragged into the whole "aspergers girl babysitting job" scenario? (not trying to be mean, just trying to see it from another parents point of view.

What do you think? My sister would never make friends on her own, she can't interact properly with anyone (well she does but she either puts them off going on about babyish cartoons or shuts off completely which makes people think she's being ignorent when she's just scared/nervous. )

OP posts:

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NoblesseOblige · 09/09/2008 17:47

can you not take her to krate with you? not sure saying "can you look after my sister?" is going to score your sis cool points

zippitippitoes · 09/09/2008 17:47

very difficult i think it is a lot to ask of someone you dopnt know and pressure for her and your sister

your mum is between a rock and a hard place with this

you have posted before about your sister i think havent you

i dont have an answer but 14 year old girls can be absolutely crap even when they are supposed;ly friends with each other and in an all girls schooll possibly worse at bullying

SqueakyPop · 09/09/2008 17:50

It's not a lot to ask - we always pair up new girls with someone else so that they can go to them with questions and be generally shown the ropes.

Bloater · 09/09/2008 17:50

My sis would never join karate, she would be absolutely terrified at the shouting and the instructor would probably give her a heart attack.

I know its not cool having your big sis ask someone to look after you but my sister really isn't like other 14 year olds. She doesn't get embarrassed by stuff like that and wouldn't really care if she was cool or not.

I don't know, I'm just trying to make these last two years bearabel for her.

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SmugColditz · 09/09/2008 17:52

I would love to say go for it.

But in reality, it's not going to happen. Even non-Aspergers teenagers can lack empathy. Her parents may agree to it, and so may she to save face, but you may find that once actually at school she might dump your sister regardless of what she has promised. I would be the parent who tried to get the kid to go for it - and a lot are - but kids are kids.

I really hated saying all that, by the way, because your pain for your sister is coming out in your posts, and I have worries about ds1 socially, so I really really feel for you

Could you be her fashion mentor? Get her into some well cut black trousers and some funky black tops, bit of make up, nice earrings and tidy hair cut? These things can make a big difference.

DisasterArea · 09/09/2008 17:52

i think it is a good idea. if this other girl seems genuinely nice and approachable - along the lines of 'my little sis is very shy, do you think you could keep an eye on her for the first few days'

SmugColditz · 09/09/2008 17:54

PS one of my friends at school loved X men and Pokeon until she was 19, she was very childish despite being clever, but she was (and is) still our friend. She got teased more for the rampant nits, to be honest.

psychomum5 · 09/09/2008 17:55

could be kind of like a 'buddy system'...they have these at my DD's school.

maybe introduce them first tho, so as it is not such a shock first meeting at school and also, if they have a recognition going on it may make it easier for your sis to make a freind almost straightaway...you know....."ooh, she already knows 'karate girl', she must be cool, ooh, lets go say hello", IYGWIM.

no harm in asking, she can only say no.

Bloater · 09/09/2008 17:56

Colditz, I tried with the fashion, I took her in Blue Banana and tried to kit her out in the same stuff as the kids at school but nothing would fit her she's a size 20 and most of the clothes in the modern shops go upto a 16 max.

I straightened her hair for her and as soon as my back was turned she changed it back into her old style (old fashioned long with a fringe parted down the middle) as "it was in her eyes".

We've tried buying her nice perfume etc but she doesn't use it.

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lavenderbongo · 09/09/2008 17:56

I agree with smugcolditz - I think it is a lot to ask of a 14 year old although their are some out there who are exceptional.

Have you spoken to the teachers at the school - they may well be able to pair her up with someone nice in her own class and encourage her to mix with people that she may get on with.

MinkyBorage · 09/09/2008 17:57

Could you subtly talk to this girl about how you're a little worried about your sister starting the new school, and maybe guide her in the direction of deciding to be nice to your sister and perhaps looking out for her e bit. I tend to agree with Colditz that it may just be a bit much to expect a 14 year old girl to be so empathetic, they are essentially self conscious iirc!!

ChacunaSonGout · 09/09/2008 17:57

14 year old girls are not the sweetest breed....

crunchynutter · 09/09/2008 18:16

hi. I work at a secondary and yes, some 14 year old girls can be selfish and stroppy but some are little angels. It would really depend on the girl. I am guessing being an all girls school may help though (the pressure of impressing the boys will be removed!) it might be nice to introduce them casually one day, perhaps get your mom to 'pick you up' from karate with your sister. If the girl is nice she may look out for her anyway as she would 'know' her xx

Bloater · 09/09/2008 18:25

They did sort of meet at a karate competition. My sister came along with me for a day out and this girl was there competing. She tried to make conversation with her then (albiet briefly) but my sis saw the black belt and the 'perfect hair and appearance' and pretty much blanked her. Not because she's ignorent but I think she feels intimidated by people she considers to be 'perfect'. Its hard to explain really but this is why I know they wouldn't make friends naturally...

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 09/09/2008 19:10

Would it be better for your mum to discuss your dd's needs with the headteacher at the new school, and check out what systems they have in place for settling in new girls? It would be far better IMO to have her follow any strategy they have as it would be highly likely that if your sister knocks back this girl once, that will be enough; even the sweetest natured 14 yr old girl won't keep on going over to someone who doesn't engage with them.

TBH the school should have some ideas.

julesrose · 09/09/2008 20:01

I think you are lovely thinking so hard about her. Can you have a chat with this girl, explain the situation and ask her if she has any advice for you to give to your sister. She might offer to help.

LollipopViolet · 09/09/2008 20:09

I actually did this once at school. A girl started who'd moved up from Kent. So I, along with the group I hung around with, befriended her. It backfired big time for me, she became completely horrid and I didn't get on with her.

If I was 14 still, and you asked me, I'd do it. I was always the round, glasses-wearing, spotty, bullied girl at my school (still am round, spotty and glasses wearing ) But then I'll try and make friends with most people.

SammyK · 09/09/2008 21:08

This school ..
is it's name similar to fresh ground?

I think it is. I avoided the school your sis is at now, and went to the girls school (2 bus rides away), it was definately the best of the bunch, I loved it there.

As far as I can recall your sis should be allocated a mentor, who your mum, or your sis or even you could ask for her to have a buddy while she settles in. When is she going there?

MrsSnape · 09/09/2008 21:17

(Changed back to original name)

No its David Lister (may as well be honest, everyone knows how bad it is!)

I also went to the all girls school and loved it! :-)

SammyK · 09/09/2008 21:19

I meant the girls school name

MrsSnape · 09/09/2008 21:20

oh fresh ground...you mean the girls school? yes its name is similar. I thought you meant the bad school!

fourlittlefeet · 09/09/2008 21:27

I would tell the girl that your sis is going there so that she recognises her and knows you are related. if she likes you she might befriend your sister/feel they have something in common to talk about, or might just look out for her with no pressure. I don't think you can foster friendships in that way, just enable them. Especially if your sister might be a bit intimidated by her.

SammyK · 09/09/2008 21:32

I agree if the girl seems the nice sort rather than ask for anything specific you could ask her to keep an eye out for her, and mention that you are sure she would apprciate a friendly face to say hi to.

I completely agree with colditz post.

You sound like a fantastic sister BTW.

SmugColditz · 10/09/2008 10:09

Nice clothes don't end at size 16, Evans do a fab range for teenagers. I was an 18-20 last year and could find plenty to fit me, most of it too young for me (at 27!) so black trousers and funky black tops should not be a problem.

PS she can always cut the labels out

lauraloola · 10/09/2008 13:11

Does the girls mum go to Karate with her? Maybe you could mention it to her to see if she could ask the girl?

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