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So what happens when one parent always says yes and the other says no?

(8 Posts)
WinkyWinkola Sun 07-Sep-08 00:10:27

This is happening in our household. It's creating a problem.

DS is 3. I'm a SAHM. Whenever DH is home i.e. holidays and weekends, DS can do whatever he wants - watch a DVD even though lunch is on the table, he gets lollies (which he brandishes at me, saying, "Look what I've got mum. Sugar." ) and chocolate, at least one 'surprise' a day in the form of a small toy or gift.

And regardless of my expressing concerns that he's eating too much sugar (I've got really weak teeth and I'm worried DS has too), that he's spoiled, that he seems to grasp the concept of divide and rule over his parents - DH nods, seems to agree and then just carries on regardless. It's like two fingers up at me and what I think it best.

Forgive me for rambling but I've had a few wines, we've just come back from holiday (lollies for breakfast!) and had a big row about yet another gift given to DS who was screaming for 20 minutes after having discovered DH had gone to the supermarket without him.

Is DS going to loathe me for always wanting to say, "No, that's enough,"? Why doesn't DH seems to give a bugger about the boundaries I put in place?

Help would be appreciated.

AvenaLife Sun 07-Sep-08 00:13:23

Normally the child ends up with the good parent that gives in and the bad parent that doesn't give in and keeps the boundaries. The child gets confused and has a higher potential of being a complete PITA. You need to work as a team, it takes a village to raise a child. They do end up appreciating the one that gives them boundaries more though, but it does take a while.

WinkyWinkola Sun 07-Sep-08 00:16:30

Well, DS definitely prefers DH. Always has done. DH never says no. And doesn't seem to understand the concept of working as a team. He doesn't seem to care about it.

So, come the weekend, DS gets free reigh to do what he likes i.e. stare at the telly for hours despite my cajoling, eat chocs and scream blue murder at his whim. I'm sick of it. I can't get through to DH who gets annoyed when DS is having yet another tantrum.

Perhaps when he's older, lots of weekend activities like sport etc will be the key?

AvenaLife Sun 07-Sep-08 00:19:20

Routine and firm boundaries are the key. It must be difficult for you. Your little one will pick up on the conflict between you all.

WinkyWinkola Sun 07-Sep-08 00:38:07

Yep, he definitely does pick up on the tension. sad

It makes me just want to sit back and not say anything just to avoid conflict. But then that's like just giving up being a parent.

Because he's so into DH and whatever DH says and does, I think I'm not a parent at all whenever DH is around. I don't know what to do about it.

AvenaLife Sun 07-Sep-08 00:41:36

Have you tried leaving him to it for a week, then asking him if he can work with you for the following week to show him what a difference it makes? You would have a happier child if he feels secure.

Elf Sun 07-Sep-08 21:28:46

Winky I have no ideas I'm afraid but wanted to bump this for you again as i feel REALLY sorry for you - your dh sounds like a complete and utter nightmare! ireally hope someone comes along soon who has some great advice.

BTW did his behaviour surprise you? Had you talked about other people's children or discipline issues before your ds was born? If not, what a horrible shock for you.

thehairybabysmum Sun 07-Sep-08 21:37:39

Maybe you should go out/away for a weekend. If your DH had to deal witht he actual affects of no boundaries he may start to realise exactly why his actions cause a problem.

If he has to do some of the everyday stuff like cleaning teeth, making them eat, bed etc he might get the message.

You may have to do this for a few weeks on the trot even for him to twig wink!

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