Whats going on with my DS... getting worried.

[mankymummy]

DS (3) has gone from being a lovely gentle polite little boy to hitting, kicking and having massive tantrums, crying over nothing, asking for his daddy all the time.

it seems like overnight a month or so ago he just changed.

is it just terrible two's late or hormones or something else?

im a single parent and he only sees his dad every four weeks, the last three visits he's had DS overnight for one night away from the house (not done this before) and each time its been at a different place.

When he was crying for his dad the other day he said he wanted to go to X's house, when i said maybe daddy would take him next time he became hysterical and said "no he wont because all the doors are closed and the garden door is closed and its all too sad"

Last night he came into my room in the middle of the night and said he wanted to go to the park, when i said it was night-time he just lashed out hitting me with the palm of his hand at first and then with a closed fist.

im starting college next week which will mean he's going to nursery 3 days in a row all day.

sorry for the ramble but im so worried about him.

anyone have any ideas please? or reassurance that its just a phase?!

[mankymummy]

bump. please.

[loopylou6]

hmm how long ago did you and his dad split?

[mankymummy]

just before he was born loopy.

[lljkk]

He's 3yo, whichis hard age in itself. And you need to talk to the ex-P about the constant change and chop with visiting arrangements, 3yos do NOT usually like change, variation, much. They like everything to be just so and quite ordered and predictable.

[piratecat]

in my exp, change seems to throw them completely, the older they get.

Dd was more pliable at 3, in that she would happily go to her dads, as she just didn't have the foresight, or memory of being away from me to worry her.

As she got older and as you ds gets older, he will become more aware of change, of conversations around him, and of (most importantly) missing mummy.

He is testing you, testing his emotions, and feeling.

They cahnge all the time, but thier consciousness seems to heighten, esp to do with going away, and esp if he is being taken to althese different places. His routine is out the window and he is just tring to dealwithit.

he is very little.

[mankymummy]

i totally see what you are saying about the inconsistency with exP but i have tried and tried and tried for the last 3 years to get him to see that it is not in DS's best interests to not have routine and stability.

unfortunately exP will not do anything to make things better for DS and only thinks of himself.

short of saying to exP that he cant see DS until he sorts out something stable and sees him more frequently (which is something i've said i'd never do), I dont know what i can do.

do you think it is to do with our circumstances rather than just a 3 year old thing then?

[mankymummy]

any ideas what i can do? im desperate.

[charitygirl]

I really feel for you - of course, it may be nothing to do with his dad, and just terrible 2s late. But how frustrating that his dad is being such an inconsistent dick - its not best for your son.

I'm not at all an expert - but try looking at this site - and i think you can email them for advice

www.separatedfamilies.info/families.php

[mankymummy]

thanks charitygirl, i'll take a look.

[piratecat]

i can only go by my exp, and draw on my best friend's exp with her ds.

Alotof what is happeneing will not only be becuase you and ds's dad are no longer together.

It's a combination f the two, the growing up, and the added pressure. Ican only say to you what i have learnt, and continue to try and adhere to.

Just be there, do your best. My ex like yours, will not put dd first. So us mummies have a huge responsibility to try and do the best we can, to try and make our dc's lives easier.

[mankymummy]

how do you deal with that then piratecat, does your ex let your dd down?

i think you are right about the combination of factors thing.

i try my best to explain to DS that daddy loves him but its hard for him to see him but he sees him as much as he can.

and that i will always be here for him and to look after him.

is it ever enough to have one stable parent if the other is just messing him around?

[piratecat]

not it is never enough, not ideal, but you just have to be really strong and make the best of it for the dc's.

mine is a waste of time(ex)who puts himself and his new wife before dd everytime. And doesn't 'get' it, that he is makingher grow up to fast, makingher have sadness she doesn't deserve or need at her age.

I go round a nd round in circles trying to tell her she is loved, and trying to expalin his actions to her, but it all = the fact that dad doesn't care enough, and htisis one ting i cannot change, or help.

[FlightAttendent]

Did you say he has only just started having overnight stays? I would stop this immediately if I were you.
It sounds as though it is making him extremely insecure and anxious.

My guess is that once you stop these overnight trips he will be better.

You could always start again once he is a bit older. IMO 3 is too little for this stuff, particularly is there is any tension between you and his father as he will not understand why you are sending him off with someone you aren't comfortable with iyswim.

I think his behaviour is all the info you need to know that this system isn't really working for him.

I can see you're doing what you think is best for him but perhaps his dad isn't being very consistent when he is alone with him.

I feel for you as mine have never spent a night away from me - well ds1 did for the first time last Spring when I was ill, but he hated it despite it being at Grandma's. He was really worried.

[FlightAttendent]

I hopeI don't sound harsh in that poat btw - not intended to - just typing quickly! I am so sorry you are going through this. it is so shit having a dodgy ex to take into account isn't it.

[FlightAttendent]

post duh!

[FlightAttendent]

It sounds like he just misses his mummy tbh. A dad you see every month isn't necessarily a close enough attachment to spend a night away from your 'main person' atthis age I think. eg Ds1 saw Grandma nearly every day, she lived 2 minutes walk away, yet he was still v v unhappy to have to stay at her house overnight.

[mankymummy]

oh pirate... thats made me cry, thats the one thing for me too... his dad doesnt love him enough and i cant change that fact.

flight... i think you are right about stopping the overnights. i think i'd pretty much decided to tell him he needs to sort himself out somewhere permanant before he has him again.

the thing is exP says i am a control freak and do not have the right to dictate about DS. thats why i tried to relax a bit and let him have him overnight.

on the good side, i had a chat with DS today explaining that we both love him but difficult for daddy to see him and that i will always always be here and the whole day he's been lovely. i've spent almost every minute with him today exclusively. maybe he is just feeling insecure and i've not helped.

thanks for your responses everyone, sometimes i feel so alone and inadequate.

[Twelvelegs]

At three many boys get a surge of testosterone equal to an 18 year old. I agree about the overnight stays too, wait until he's older. Perhaps you an ex could get a little mediation therapy so that you fnd middle ground to make ds more comfortable?

[mankymummy]

twelvelegs.. i would love to do mediation but i dont think i can afford it unfortunately.

[slim22]

problem is you can't spend every second of every day with him.

My DS is an angel when I'm 100% with him/attentive to his cues (hungry/tired/bored/anxious) and a monster when I'm busy (with new baby).

Tis is common pattern in boys 3-5 years old.

So I'd say it is an age thing but also our circumstances definitely amplify things. Separation anxiety is very likely here as everybody pointed.

I thing you have your answer already.

Routine routine routine. He needs to feel very very secure in his environment.

You are not alone nor inadequate. we are here to listen.

[mankymummy]

oh slim i know i can't be with 100% of the time, and usually he's very independent.

Today was just about letting him know he is the most important person, bit of reassurance and time together one on one.

he is the most lovely little boy usually (not only me thinks that ! ), i get so mad, its unfair he has such a shitty father. that man does not deserve a son like DS.

[mankymummy]

do you know... i emailed ex nearly a WEEK ago explaining my concerns and despite me texting to say can you reply he still hasnt even bothered.

[slim22]

So sad and that he does not reply and has the cheek to say you are a control freak!

I hope you can find a good arrangement for DS to see his dad little and often rather a monthly sleep over which is a tremendously stressful thing for a little one.

[piratecat]

mankymummy, it's their denial, and thier ego reasoning, that they do not need any pointers onwhat is best for your dc's.

Even if this is to make my dd's life better, he doesn't get it.

I had to lend my sis my old phone today, i charged it up, and found old messages from me to him, begging him to think about his actions.

this was 2006, and it mademe so cross and sad to see that what's happened now was exactly what i had dreaded.

it'snot rocket science, but they don't seem to care, and we have to care x 100.

[piratecat]

also manky mummy, my dd went and stayed with her daddy every two weeks for about a yr and ahlaf. Then last october she refused togo, and was crying on the doorstep,that is when i finally thought, i have been trying to please him more thanlistening to her, as I was tring to be fair, and get them to stay together.

now we have stalemate, between a 6 yr old and a 34 yr old.

going away overnight, is very unsettling, and my dd would hate to go overnight anyhwere now. time will tell wether this will change. I do try to not let everything that is bad in her behaviour be because of her sitruation, it is very hard to get the balance right. Comfort yourslef in knowing that they change and go thru stages, with or without the perfect homelife, whatever that may be.

give yourslef credit, and keep loving you boy.x