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advise on..........

(11 Posts)
astonmartin Sat 19-Feb-05 15:05:47

Hi Guys hope you can help on this, our eldest son 5yrs is not my biological son. we have always said that he would be told the truth, but its so difficult.

His mum found out she was preg after their relationship had ended, he was a bit on the wild side into drugs ect, just a typical young lad, but she didnt tell him. she did how ever send an letter which was annoymos stating that she was preg, but nothing ever came of it. we dont know whether it got there or not then some people who do know the truth have said that they have told him, but still nothing.

The wife has started feeling very guilty about this as she has never told this guy direct that hes a father.

We have been discussing telling our son that i am not the man that help make him but i am his dad (even though our relastionship is not great we clash on almost everything)

But we are very scared on what we are about to open up.

Do you think we ort to tell our son first to see whether he is fussed or wants to see his natual father or not.

or to tell the father and see whether he wants to know?

Help please

beansprout Sat 19-Feb-05 15:08:16

Blimey, this is hard. I have no experience of this so please take my advice with a pinch of salt, but given that your son is still so young, my gut instinct would be to see if his biological father wants to know or not. I just feel it would be better for ds if his expectations around his biological dad could be managed according to what the father does/does not want to do.

wheresmyfroggy Sat 19-Feb-05 15:10:11

i agree with beansprout, theres no point putting those sort of possiblities into his head when his biological father may not want to ever see him anyway

beansprout Sat 19-Feb-05 15:15:51

Do you have other kids as well then AM?

Tinker Sat 19-Feb-05 15:20:33

Erm, if the subject of parentage came up, I would tell him regardless of whether the father knows yet. I wouldn't lead him on that he may get to see his father but I would tell him the truth. He will find out one day and I really think he'll have more respect for you if you have always been as honest as you could have been in teh circumstances.

Newbarnsleygirl Sat 19-Feb-05 15:21:11

My real dad left my mum and me when I was 2 and I can't remember him. He visited a few times after he left but after that he did'nt bother.

My mum was always straight with me about the situation and said if I ever wanted to see/meet or be re acquanted (sp) with him she would be fine with it and would organise it for me.

TBH I have no real intention of seeing him, admittedley I am curious because he did make me after all but I don't think I will ever bother with him and vice versa which I think is the answer to your question.

My mum re-married her childhood sweethart 11 years ago and he is my real dad in my eye's. He is the one who has been there for me, done everything for me, made my mum happy and just made our family complete. Of course we had our ups and downs but I love him dearly.

I am sure yiur ds will think of you in the same light. You will be the one who will be there for him being his dad and I am sure when he is old enough he will appreciate the honesty you have given him.

I hope everything works out for you all.

astonmartin Sat 19-Feb-05 15:24:17

yes we have a 2.5 yr old as well.

We have always said he has got to know the truth.
as the wife has a simular situation and was told the truth from a young age.

I also come from a spilt family and lived with my dad while my sisters lived with my mum and her fella I saw all the mind games that were used and us children were used a pawns in the battle.

Surly its better for him to know the truth now rather than leave it till later when it could send the poor lad of the rails.

vess Sun 20-Feb-05 18:42:01

I'd say don't tell the boy, at 5 he's much too young to understand and it will only confuse and upset him. By the way, why do you 'clash on almost everything?' Maybe that's what you should be considering instead - your relationship with him.

Fran1 Sun 20-Feb-05 18:48:50

Ok, my family have been seriously affected by a situation like this, when my dp found out at the age of 30! that father was not his birth father.

I say YES start talking about it now. If your son is brought up with the knowledge from such a young age, it will be "the norm" and nobody will have to break shocking news at any point.

My dp's parents planned to tell him at 18 and then chickened out. Personally i think 18 is a stupid age to pick, as it is when you are that inbetween stage of child and adult and have enough emotions rattling around inside you, let alone dealing with this news. Then theres the anger and feeling that everyone has kept a BIG secret from you all your life.

Yes yes yes, please tell your son, you are his father, but as you as say, you did not actively "make" him with his mum, and maybe make a journal for him with feelings you and your wife have, and any info about the natural father you have (medical details) etc.

Because the worst thing is the only person who knew anything about dp's natural father was his mum who died over ten years ago. So we know absolutely nothing.

HappyMumof2 Sun 20-Feb-05 18:56:04

Message withdrawn

WestCountryLass Sun 20-Feb-05 21:14:28

I I were in your shoes I would probably ask the bio-father whether he wanted to be involved and perhaps considering adopting him if he is not interested. That said, whether bio-father wants to be involved or not I think you should tell your son and at least there will be no nasty skeletons in the closet when he is older. Good luck!

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