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Help! 7 year old is now calling sibling to be be "Stupid baby"

(29 Posts)
Tinker Sat 19-Feb-05 14:18:59

Is this normal?? Someone please reassure me that this does not mean I shall be constantly trying to placate her all the time.

She was extremely happy when first told but now huffs and puffs at merest mention (which isn't often considering atmosphere it generates) of new brother or sister. Today she decided that it should be called "Stute" (?) because that sounds like Stupid.

Half of me is laughing about it and half just groaning and thinking "What have we done?" I'm doing all the textbook reassuring stuff - well, at least think I am. Can someone do some textbook and non-textbook reassuring stuff on me?

Thank you.

misdee Sat 19-Feb-05 14:20:19

how far along are you? am assuming your 7year old is your only child. sounds like jealousy to me. sorry.

Tinker Sat 19-Feb-05 14:23:03

I'm 28 to 29 weeks now misdee. I know it sounds like jealousy but sort of sounds like staged, hammed up jealousy as well to me. <She says, desparately trying to convince herself>

misdee Sat 19-Feb-05 14:26:49

how will the baby affect your dd? will she have to share a room or lose anything?

my dd's are each getting a rpesent from the 'baby'. it worked well with dd1 when dd2 arrived, but she was only 2.5years old.

tamum Sat 19-Feb-05 14:27:26

Tinker, have you tried asking her why she thinks the baby is stupid, and just trying to draw her fears out of her? It certainly sounds like simple jealousy, but maybe if you can get her to admit to you (and to herself) that she is afraid you won't love her as much as the baby, or whatever, then you'll be able to talk about it and reassure her. Probably blindingly obvious, sorry. I would bet she'll be besotted once there's an actual baby there though- she's very attached to her Baby Annabell if I remember rightly which must be a good sign

Tinker Sat 19-Feb-05 14:29:27

I will do the present thing misdee, good idea. She won't share atm - only 2 bed house and age gap too big I think. Which could, of course, be half/most of the problem. Used to be just me and her, then new boyfriend moved in, then new baby so 3 of us will be in one room whilst she's "left out" in her own room.

fisil Sat 19-Feb-05 14:31:12

could you give her responsibility for some of the preparations?

misdee Sat 19-Feb-05 14:31:40

can you re-do her room as she is the much loved 'older' sister of baby, and needs to have a grown up room (evben if she chooses very girly things).

think she needs of reassurence. hope when baby arives she'll be good and adores her little brother/sister.

Tinker Sat 19-Feb-05 14:34:51

Thanks tamum. Have had the "You'll love the baby more than me" conversations ad nauseum . She's now saying that whenever she wants/needs me I'll be saying "I've just got to see the baby etc". Doesn't seem to matter that I say it won't be the case since I won't be the only adult around this time.

Actually she did perk up when I "joked" that she'll be doing all the nappy changing, bathing and feeding so teh Baby Annabell thing might kick in. But, what more from the BA range can I get? and [weary emoticon]

misdee Sat 19-Feb-05 14:35:54

lady on here makes some lovely washable nappies and dolls ponchos for baby annabel size dolls. maybe get your dd some of those

coldtea Sat 19-Feb-05 14:37:40

Ds was a lot younger when i was pg (3!) but he was adament he wanted a brother. I found the more we talked about it saying it might be a girl the more he got upset. In the end we stopped mentioning it at all though he would still tell people he was having a brother. When dd was born i panicked about how he would react , but he came to the hospital , complained once about the fact it was a girl & got on with it. This may not be relavant due to the big age differences but my advice would be to not worry till the baby is born.

I also bought him a present from the baby & got him to choose one for the baby which i think helped him to feel involved. Good luck!

Tinker Sat 19-Feb-05 14:42:16

That's exactly the message I need coldtea . She's getting very dismissive of the idea of a brother, especially when we told her it's going to be called Herman

misdee - like the idea of the ponchos etc for BA - will search for them. Can't changed her room - just too much else needs doing in the house plus hers was the most recently done. But could think about some sort of older girls present.

fisil - think that make make her feel more resentful tbh. Have hidden away any baby stuff so far but when she sees it this hammy huffing starts again.

coldtea Sat 19-Feb-05 14:49:18

I should also mention she is 18 months old now & he adores her (though typically she still winds him up!). He said recently he would like me to have another baby & wouldn't mind what the sex of the baby was. I think the reality is so different to what they expect. Hth

Pinotmum Sat 19-Feb-05 14:49:57

I think it's Judith1 who does the nappies and ponchos. I've had some and they are great imo. My niece was a bit like this and said she wouldn't love the baby if it was a certain sex, called a certain name etc. Once he arrived she was fine though but we did all bring her a little pressie just in case.

WideWebWitch Sat 19-Feb-05 14:55:06

She will be fine Tinks I bet, she's just used to being an only and the idea of a sibling is taking some getting used to I should think. If it's any consolation, the first time ds saw dd, which was the day after she was born, he looked at her, shrugged and said 'I won't be in the same room as her.' He then proceeded to leave the room every time she and I were in it, it was awful and I cried and cried BUT on day 2 he got over it and is the loveliest brother you could imagine. He really is, since then we haven't had even a smidge of jealousy, he loves her and often tells me so and he entertains her and is just a sweetie with her. And he's really proud to be a brother and feels sorry for his friends with no siblings! It'll be ok, I'm sure.

tamum Sat 19-Feb-05 14:59:30

I guessed you'd already done all those conversations, Tinker I think all you can do is to keep it all as low-key as possible for now then, and wait until the baby is here. Ds was much younger when dd was born, but he certainly cheered up enormously when we moved her into his room when she was 4 months. He had felt very left out until then I think. It's so different with a 7 year old though, I can see that she might not be as keen to share her space. It's just that it can change from all-of-you-and-one-of-me to "us two children" when they are sharing.

I'm sure it will be alright in the end. I would bet that it's much more healthy this way round than a child who is looking forward to the baby's arrival like mad only to find that they feel jealous once reality bites.

joesy Sat 19-Feb-05 15:00:13

When ds2 was born ds1 used to say he hated him and to send him back. Ds1 was 5 years old. Everyone spent loads of time and bought presents for both boys. It took a while for him to accept his brother but now he could kill him with kindness even though ds2 gives ds1 hell.
When I was pregnant ds1 could not wait for our baby to be born as long as it was a boy. No girls allowed.

Tinker Sat 19-Feb-05 15:21:42

Oh, thank you, this is sounding better now.

Tinker Sat 19-Feb-05 17:29:45

.

sis Sat 19-Feb-05 18:52:17

Tinker - it is a good thing that she is happy and secure enough to show her insecurities! Like everyone else, i think she will be fine (if anything, she will probably be overprotective) when her baby brother/sister is born. I am sure there will be incidents of jealousy - it would be very unusual if they didn't occur, but she sounds like she is just becoming a bit nervous of the big change in her life and I am sure you are doing a great job in reassuring her.

Tinker Sun 20-Feb-05 11:48:33

Oh, thank you sis, www, joesy, tamum and coldtea. Am hoping to just be able to laugh this phase off a bit (but not to daughter, obviously ).

And thanks for the poncho details. Quite excited about those regardless of a new baby or not.

edam Sun 20-Feb-05 12:22:36

MI wrote an article for me on this - things like 'make sure you aren't holding the new baby the first time older child meets them' and the bring a present stuff. But she found her eldest just bounced into the room yelling 'where's the baby' and was v. proud of being a big sister right from the start - you might have the same experience.
My mother says she made a point of telling me it would be my baby sister or brother, making me feel really important and involved IYSWIM. It worked!

edam Sun 20-Feb-05 12:24:06

... in fact worked so well they had trouble getting me out of the house when the midwife came. Remember thinking they couldn't possibly have the baby without me!

ScummyMummy Sun 20-Feb-05 21:20:04

STUTE???!? God your daughter always sounds SO utterly wonderful, Tinker. Bet she drives her equally wonderful mother nuts on occasion, huh? If she wants to run away from home because of the new baby I will adopt her like a shot. She sounds like a gloriously stirring, clever, sensitive, fabulous kid to me. Perfect.

O.k. Well I've never been in this situation but I won't let that stop me commenting. I reckon there are two sides to this:

1) I agree with everyone else- she's genuinely scared that everything's going to be turned upsidedown and that you'll love the baby more and all that sort of classic jealousy stuff. Just keep on reassuring her- it will be a massive change for her and some bits won't be to her liking, so I think she's pretty clever to be making sure that you know the score now, in a way. Far better than kids shrinking away and moping secretly which is the other classic jealousy thing. I think I'd respond exactly as you have already. I might also occasionally say a few things along the lines of "Oh X... I don't know how I'm gonna cope with this crying, pooey baby lying there like a blob doing nothing. Bummer. Thank God I've got my clever, beautiful all singing, all dancing, seven year old to entertain me... And maybe you can even help me out with the dull new baby sometimes if you want to." sort of thing. But I reckon she'll eventually melt when the baby actually arrives and she's adjusted to the new situation.

2) I also think that a bit of your daughter is saying these things simply for the pure pleasure and delight of shocking you. She knows you love her to pieces and she knows that your major, major worry about having this baby is how she'll respond. Sorry mate- for a kid as clever as yours you're a sitting duck.

p.s. Has she seen Addams Family Values? Bit crap but she might enjoy it- v topical for her and my children loved the new baby having a mustache.

Frizbe Sun 20-Feb-05 21:44:47

ss was worried about dd when she was born (he was 5 and a half) but he went with his dad to get his present from her, before he came to the hospital and then they both chose myself and dd a gift from the both of them, which seemed to do the trick, as soon as they got into the hospital we let ss hold dd and it's been true love from there on in....we've now been told if the next one is a boy, we're not to have any more, but if its a girl we can keep on going until we get another boy!

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