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Hit the wall with being a mum

(13 Posts)
danityrain Thu 21-Aug-08 01:52:15

I realised I am not very good at being a mother. I am not going to say that I am the worst mother in the world (although that's how I feel at the moment) because obviously I am not. I don't neglect or abuse my DS but...I just don't think I am cut out to be a mum. I really thought I would be but I'm not. sad I have a 14 month old DS who I have struggled with since day 1 (actually, that's not true, since about day 14!) He is very independant, not cuddly in the slightest and just seems to want to do his own thing. I have tried to be OK with that (and do recognise that it's a good thing in lots of ways) but I just feel like I give and give and give and get nothing in return. I know this is the definition of being a mother but it seems my DS really couldn't care less if I am around or not. Today it really slapped me in the face just how bad it is. He fell over in the park and grazed his forehead. It wasn't a massively bad fall but obviously he was upset. He totally ignored me, wouldn't even look at me but was desperate to be comforted by a friend of mine who was there. He wanted to sit on her lap, be cuddled by her, be carried by her. He wouldn't leave her alone for about 20 minutes. sad I was trying to laugh it off for the first 5 mins or so but it just went on so long. He really didn't want me at all. I had thought this was just his personality, that he wasn't a needy, cuddly baby but maybe it is me. Maybe I do the wrong things? I try my best, every single day but it just isn't working. I honestly think he would be better off with someone else. Someone who's a more natural mother, who can give him what he needs. I wonder if he would be more attached and cuddly with them? This all sounds trivial I am sure but I am heartbroken.

MKG Thu 21-Aug-08 02:12:21

My ds1 was like that. Always independent. Could care less if I was around or not, played happily by himself, never wanted to be held or cuddled.

Now at three he loves to hold hands, kiss and hug, and sneaks in our bed to cuddle with me in the middle of the night.

My advice for you would be to relax. He can probably sense your insecurity.

Are you a SAHM? If so, he probably also behaves in that way because he knows you're always there.

When ds1 was 16 months we taught him how to give kisses. I kissed his stuffed animal, he kissed it and then he kissed me. It was a fun game and taught him how to show affection, which is what you want. Also it will get better when he starts talking and expresses himself better.

Hope that helps.

MKG Thu 21-Aug-08 02:14:12

BTW you aren't a terrible mother. I hope you know that. I think at some point we all think we're horrible, but I guess that doubting ourself shows that we really are great, because it shows we care so much.

danityrain Thu 21-Aug-08 02:17:55

Thanks for responding MKG. Your post has helped. DS can give kisses but he does it very rarely. When I try to cuddle him he pushes me away and when I try to kiss him he often shakes his head and says 'ga' (which means 'no' in his language!) Yes, in answer to your question, I am a SAHM. He has never been away from me. DH and I are going on holiday soon without him (my parents are going to look after him) so that will be his first experience of me not being there. Although to be honest, I doubt he will notice.

danityrain Thu 21-Aug-08 02:20:44

x post. Just saw your second post and it made me cry. sad I wish I was like my friends who have everything organised, their babies adore them, they have them off bottles, drinking cows milk, no dummies...etc etc. I just feel like I do everything wrong and well I am struggling to cope right now.

chibi Thu 21-Aug-08 02:27:18

I had to respond to your post.

Your DS's behaviour sounds totally normal to me. My dd is about the same age and doesn't want to be cuddled at all when she falls down - she wants to get right back to doing whatever she was doing when the mishap occured. Some babies aren't super cuddly, or only in certain circumstances. I don't think that you can read anything into his wanting your friend, either.

I don't believe that there is any such thing as a natural mother - if you are trying to meet your child's physical and emotional needs (and it sounds as though you are)you are doing it is well as can be done.

I do think that if you are already feeling low these things might seem devastating and a real blow to your confidence levels.

You sound very low, please don't dismiss it out of hand, but could you possibly have PND? Do you have a sympathetic HV/GP that you could talk to? Have you shared any of these feelings with your DP?

thinking of you x

danityrain Thu 21-Aug-08 02:35:53

Thanks chibi. I don't know about PND. I have wondered since his birth whether I do or not. I seem to be up and down but when I am down I am really low. I still function and everything but I just feel despondant. I don't know whether I have really bonded with him the way other people bond with their babies. Most of the time he just feels like work blush sad Isn't it too long after the birth to have PND? Wouldn't I be over it by now?

thesockmonsterofdoom Thu 21-Aug-08 07:53:11

My mum always said to me (I had simialr feelings about dd1) that children will happily reject their mother, it is a sign of their security because they know you will alwayts be there.

danityrain Thu 21-Aug-08 08:16:44

But this young, thesockmonsterofdoom? (your name made me grin )

thesockmonsterofdoom Thu 21-Aug-08 08:22:17

god yes, they feel secure around their primary carer very early on.
It is a good sign, like many of the thngs that are hardest to deal with.

LegoLover Thu 21-Aug-08 08:30:14

Most of the time, a 14-month-old is work! It doesn't make you a bad mother to admit that. I also agree that he will probably change. I remember my DS learning to talk from around that age and gradually using lots and lots of words including Daddy and many others, but not Mummy for ages and ages. I started to feel he just wasn't going to bother! But it's true that if you are the "background" or default person in a child's life, they notice other people more - it doesn't mean they don't love or need you. Now at 3 my DS is much more cuddly than he used to be and he did start saying Mummy (feels like he hardly ever stops now!).

Also agree about seeing the GP - if there is any PND there it can be treated and it's always a good idea to catch it while it's not as serious.

You sound like a great mum to me btw.

TheGoddessBlossom Thu 21-Aug-08 13:33:35

My DS1 was like this. It was so bad at one point he wouldn't even let me cuddle him when I came home from hospital after having DS2. I was devastated. He was completely Daddy's boy, wouldnt let me do anything for him, I put it down to all sorts of reasons, me being heavily pregnant and unable to play, him going to nursery and not being that used to me looking after him, blah blah bla, but I just felt totally rejected and was looking forward to DS2 to have another go and getting some love back!!

DS1 is now nearly 4 and sooooooo affectionate, asks for cuddles and kisses all the time, and the pendulum has swung completely the other way and he now won't let Daddy to bed time story etc.

It's kids! They don't realise the effects of what they do, how can they? We assume that they have much more intent than they do with their actions. You'll get your boy back, I promise.


Wisknit Thu 21-Aug-08 16:14:09

ds1 was/is like this (he's 2.6 now).
Everything is Mama(grandma)or Daddy do if they are around. He's never been affectionate.
As has already been said them being like that is a sign of security. They know you're there whatever.
You really don't sound like a bad mother. I think we all struggle at times, just only some of us are brave enough to admit to it.

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