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Decided to stop at 2 dc but how do you know it's the right decision??? (long, sorry)

(11 Posts)
greenbeanie Sat 16-Aug-08 18:58:38

I'm not sure if I have posted this in the right place so please be gentle with me smile We have always said that we would have 3 dc - we now have 2 ds (6 and 3) and had just started trying for dc3. I had major cold feet, always had difficult pregnancies with 9 months of constant sickness followed by postnatal depression that has lasted about 18 months each time. I have decided to change career and take a 3 year course - by which time it would be too late (in my opinion) to have any more - i would be 38 and trying to start a new career.

I am quite happy with the decision as is dh in most ways but I cannot stop staring at pregnant women in the street and wondering what dc3 would have been like. I know that at the moment I couldn't contemplate getting rid of all the baby stuff.

Has anyone else gone through this, and how do you know if you have made the right choice - any opinions gratefully received.

greenbeanie Sat 16-Aug-08 20:16:58

I think what I am meaning to ask is how did you feel when you had decided that your family was complete and what helped you to make that decision. Did you have any regrets afterwards or were you happy with the decision? Sorry if the post is rather confusing!! grin

scattyspice Sat 16-Aug-08 20:34:02

Hi greenbeanie. I think the wistfully looking at pregnant women/new babies/large families is always lurking in the background however many kids you have.sad.

We also have 2 DCs and have no intention of having more for many reasons, but it doesn't stop me from thinking hmm....

keevamum Sat 16-Aug-08 20:46:27

I totally understand where you are coming from. This all sounds very familiar. I have also always wanted 3 but at the mo have 2 and we said we will make our final decision in the new year. Part of me knows how much easier it will be to stick to 2 but I have a yearning for another and a physical craving when I see new mothers. I also suffered PND with DD2 and this has affected me more than I realise along with a couple of m/c which tbh I don't know whether I would be strong enough to go through that again. Yet the yearning is still there and I always wonder what a potential DC3 would look like and be like but I guess that's the way madness lies...

Chooster Sat 16-Aug-08 20:54:42

I'm the same as scattiespice, I've no realistic intention of a third but I do wonder... Having 2 was a big step for me and DH as we are both only children (I also have 2 DS's - 4 and 1), and we have medical issues to consider as due to genetics our children have a 1 in 4 chance of inheriting a fatal condition. BUT even still.... I still look at pregnant women and baby clothes in shops with a pang of jealousy and I really feel it more when a friend is pregnant or has a new baby. I know our lives dont suit us having more than 2 children and we will be really happy as a faimly of 4, but I've still got that little place in my heart for another. I think about whether I'd rather a girl or another boy and what I would call them hmm Strange really - I'm also wondering when its going to go.

Perhaps dont make any clear cut decisons now. Try your course for a year and see if your feelings have changed. It could be that you are so enthusiastic about your new course and career that you become 100% sure about not having a baby. On the other hand you may become more broody. Sorry I can't help more, but sometimes you do have to follow your head and not your heart. Good luck with the course.

Pendulum Sat 16-Aug-08 20:56:41

hi greenbeanie

I agree with scattyspice- I don't think the envious looking at pregnant women will fade easily, even if you know you don't want any more.

I have 2 DDs and DH had the snip earlier this year- after two nightmare deliveries and colicky babies we knew we didn't want to go through those stages again, and we are looking forward to being able to do new things with our girls as they grow older that we couldn't do with a baby in tow. I know 100% in my head this was the right thing to do but it does sometimes make me feel a bit wistful.

My guilty suspicion is that I love TTC and being pregnant because of the excitement and the anticipation- the dreaming, the planning (the babygrow shopping).... But as someone said on here recently, you don't just get the tiny baby, you get a full-blown person with their strong opinions, needs and wants. I know that I couldn't cope with more than two of those even if I will always wish for another bump <confessional over>

I note from your post is that you have plans for a career change. Could that be behind your cold feet too? I have kept up my pre-baby career and that is another big reason for stopping at two. How does your DH feel about it- which of you was pushing for the third?

Pendulum Sat 16-Aug-08 20:58:09

X-posts Chooster!

greenbeanie Sat 16-Aug-08 22:37:19

Thank you all for your posts - it is great to hear that this appears to be quite common - I was beginning to think I was going mad!!

Pendulum - we both wanted 3 dc ( both dh and me are 1 of 3 and it kind of felt "normal"). However, work is ridiculously stressful and there is no hope of that ever changing and the career change is to do something that I have always dreamt of doing but never thought I would be able to afford/manage. If we stick at 2 dc then I can do it.

I think a lot of it is wanting to be pregnant again - even though the sickness was almost unbearable and to hold that little bundle - yet another child - I'm not so sure.

It also feels a bit like closing the door on a stage of my life.

Keevamum - I know exactly what you mean, it's almost wondering what that new person would be like and how they would fit into the family.

Chooster - thanks for the good advice, i think in many ways only time will tell. I truly believe a change of direction is the way to go and I'm sure much of this is related to cold feet about such a big change.

Elkat Sun 17-Aug-08 19:40:47

I think (for me at least), whatever you decide becomes the right decision for you, if you can accept the decision you have made.

I had always toyed with the idea of a third, but after having an awful labour and subsequent problems I really couldn't face going through that again, and my hubby really didn't want a third. So he went for the snip. When he had it done, I cried and really wasn't sure it was thw right thing at all, but now I have come to terms with the decision I'm really happy with the decision. Little things occur to me, like my girls are really close - how would a third fit in? They share a room - so surely one child (who had the spare room) would be left out? I couldn't imagine dealing a third now, it just seems like so much hard work... but of course, had we made the decision to have had a third, then that would have been the right decision too, because we wouldn't have imagined life without that child etc...

So I think as long as you're content with your decision, then I think you'll make it the right decision because you will constantly reinforce that in your mind iyswim!

greenbeanie Mon 18-Aug-08 07:17:12

Thanks Elkat, I think you're right. To begin with I was thinking is this the right or wrong decision, but I'm coming to the conclusion that either having a 3rd or changing career could be the right decision - just each a different path.

littlemisschatalot Mon 18-Aug-08 07:32:00

i too think about a 3rd. i 'm fairly sure i have decided to stick at 2. thay are 3 and 4 now. for me it is the life is suddenly easier, sleeping through, no bottles,bags, nappies to take. both are independatnt now. we couldnt do the things we enjoy as a family with 3, eg:mountain biking. i do still wonder..

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