is there ever going to be anything nice about being mother to a one year old?

[bumbly]

bought little one a splashsuit (again buying more and more things!) as thought with this wet weather at least he gets to go in garden and play with out getting drenched

try to put it on - the trantrum from hell

then put him in garden and screams and had to take back in as neighbours that was torturing the little one

since birth he never seem spleased with ANYTHING i do..no matter what - and all i ever want is the best for him...

any free time i have - usually one hour in eve it is all about ordering things for him, sorting his washing etc...or being online here for him

pissed/tired/upset off now!

[angel1976]

Hi bumbly,

I feel for you. My nearly 6-month-old was (and sometimes still is) a really whingey and crying baby. It used to drive me mad as he would whinge NON-STOP from morning to evening (no matter what I do!) and I would wish 6pm to come around so I could put him to bed! I was so depressed as I felt so useless and isolated and a totally crap mother. Have since realised DS is bright as a button (as bright as a 6-month-old can be, I am so not kidding myself) and just need a lot of entertaining I just can't do by myself at home. So now, I drag myself all over the place to all sorts to keep him entertained (between naps and feeds) and he loves it as he is so happy when we are out but I am so knackered! I am not even kidding... Look at my schedule:

Monday morning - Grocery shopping
Monday afternoon - Visiting neighbour (who loves babies and keeps him entertained!)
Tuesday morning - Baby group
Tuesday afternoon - Swimming
This morning - Baby group
This afternoon - Play date

And I break into cold sweat if I have nothing planned the next day as DS would whinge all day.

My life as I knew it is OVER... I know what you mean. I've hardly bought anything for myself but instead we have a room full of crap stuff for DS.

Ax

[chelsygirl]

stick with it bummly, it gets better

[becka1]

are there things he likes to do that inadvertently give u spare time....my one year old loves the bath and I get 20 minutes or so freeish time.....or what about 10.30 cbeebies 'in the night garden' followed by teletubbies....definite free time!

[Jojay]

It does get easier. DS was really demanding at about 1 too, but as their attention span gets longer, it gets easier.

And they like CBeebies more............

[MrsMattie]

I didn't really enjoy this stage, either. Much more fun now my DS is older (3 yrs old) although incredibly hard work, too.

[bumbly]

i can't put washing on as he opens and closes doors

i can't go to loo as he moans

can't wash dishes as he wants to get out of chair

etc and etc...has been like this since born

when grandparents come (rarely) he is ok as obviously more thna one person there

but yes need to join activites but none where i live and don't get on with all the pushy show off mums have met in past

[angel1976]

Hi bumbly,

I think you just need to bite the bullet and GO to ANY activity for the LO! Let him run himself ragged... I know that when I take DS swimming, he will be zonked out that night. It's great. I go to 4 different baby groups (yes, 4!!!!) and they are vastly different - one I love (nice ladies, lots of fairly small babies), two I kinda tolerate (one is mostly toddlers, the other is not very friendly) and one I don't really like (in a deprived area and all the mums keep to themselves as most of them don't even speak English). But I go because DS is bored with all his toys at home, at least when we are at the baby group, he will lay down and watch the other kids or play with the billions of toys available to him. I prefer that to him whinging at home no matter what I do. I do feel for you, many a times I've almost gone mad from his constant endless whinging. And I just have to grab the car keys and go ANYWHERE (and of course take him with me). I just find that with planning, I can fill the day and I don't get so stressed... Good luck!

Ax

[angel1976]

And DS is already signed up for Aquatots in October and also for Tumble tots when he starts crawling. NOT because I am a pushy mum but only because I cannot, cannot stand him whinging all day at home.

[Jewelsandgems]

I do know what you mean as my DD1 was rather whingy and demanding but yes - it does get better and by 18 months when they can walk around and think just the walking is fun it starts to ease off.

Obviously though, he does not know about you ordering things for him, doing the washing etc so he cannot appreciate them!

What I used to do was say to DD "I am going to play wth you for 30 mins and then I am going to load the dishwasher" and then aftr 30 mins this is what I would do. She seemed ok with this, as long as I stuck to my end of the bargain. And after the dishwasher was loaded, I came back and told her what would happen next E.G " we will play for 10 mins and then it's lunch, and then it's naptime". I know they can't say much back to you, and will still have a whinge but they just don't understand why you can't spend the whole morning doing what they want! And hey, if he is having a really whingy day then forget any housework or chores and just do stuff together (or even run a massive bubbly bath and you can sit next to him whilst he plays with the bubbles!)

We did realise how much hard work it was and have since had DD2. Although DD2 is much too young to play with DD1, I know that they will play together and that keeps me going too!!

[morocco]

good grief - you deserve a medal for staying in the house all that time with a one year old. I can't last more than, ooh, about 5 minutes, before it's 'coats on, off to playgroup' time. if you don't like the other mums, just go places you don't have to chat to everyone. make sure you have expectations of zero of every activity. often they enjoy the weirdest things you would never have thought would be interesting and all the things you plan for hours they throw a strop at - seriously annoying. my personal opinion is that until they are about 18 months old, babies are best treated with benign neglect (obv not left to fall down stairs etc) but they don't seem to cope very well being the focus of events - much better when they have lots going on to look at and noone paying them too much attention
good luck

[LIZS]

Agree with your need to get out , even a couple of times a week but regularly. You don't have to socialise with the other mums but you might find the distraction of him being with others, stimulation and you just being in company out of the house, helpful. iirc you are in London somewhere and there must be some things going on locally - try local pool/sports centre, Tumbletots/Gymboree, Jo Jingles/Kindermusik/Monkey Music etc. Most will restart classes in September and will have a free trial session.

In the meantime do you have safety gates on the living area or a play pen ? If not put one on kitchen door and lounge door so you can leave him for short periods in a room knowing he is safe and you can keep an eye/ear out. He will whinge if you leave him but perhaps now is time to get tougher if only to save your sanity while you go to the loo or wash up. Put music on in the kitchen if his whinging distracts you , as long as you know he is ok for a few minutes. Bring laundry into the same room to sort and do it while he is there - gaining you time later in the day - I used to talk through matching socks with ds and he gradually started to "help". You are in danger of becoming a martyr to his cause, devoting all you time to him and his demands at the expense of yourself, and it needn't be like that as he gets older.

[littleducks]

agree that this is the best time to start fixing this problem as all classes begin again in september, google messy monsters, tumble tots, jo jingles (can you see the theme with names yet lol) and see if there are classes in your area

for some cheaper groups (the above are about £5 a session so i have only done one a week) ask at the local library, do they run a bookstart bounce and rhyme session or a storytime aimed at ones as little as yours, see if you can find a surestart/childrens centre near you they may run a 'stay and play' session or something similar

and when you first go along to an activity dont panic if his behaviour is abot off as he will adapt

as well as enough activity is he getting enough sleep? my dd gets so grumpy when she is tired but never admits to being tired

good luck!

[Piffle]

local park green space?
We are firm friends with ours
Ds2 is 16mths and a whirlwind. We have older kids so bit easier as they help keep him busy.
I remember 5 mtgs ago being demented with him but much easier now. I rarely go to things as am not keen on mums I've met generally (nothing personal just young first time mums whereas I'm hitting 40 have a teenager too) have nothing in commmon.

[ruddynorah]

ditto the getting out and about thing. can you do the washing up etc when he's asleep?

we used to do different baby groups, baby classes, parks, soft play places, library, anything just to keep busy. like others i could not have stayed at home each day, or even for more than half a day.

do you buy your local paper? there's usually a what's on guide in there which will tell you all kinds like summer fairs, activity days at the library, baby groups, all sorts. round here this summer we've had tons organised by the council, like teddy bears picnics, arts and crafts days. but you wouldn't really know about them unless you buy the paper or see the notices up in the library.

[Xavielli]

Nice thing about being a mother to a one year old = You have two whole years of bliss before you are the mother of a three year old

[bumbly]

this morning another massive tanturm..all i was doing was trying to cut nails as can never cut them when he is asleep in his cotbed...too complicated

is aLWAYS UNHAPPY AND I ALSO REALLY LOST MY RAG TODAY..oops caps lock...

have decided to put him in nursery even though i left my job and career esp to be at home with him till preschoo;l

think that settles it

no more winging and i can get a break

he doesn't seem to want me anyway and whenever we are together we are always unhappy both of us so think that is best

shame as had decided to be stay at home mum as strongly beleive in that

now to look for nursery...

[LIZS]

You can still do that and be a good mum - the two are not mutually exclusive. tbh it sounds as if you are trying a bit too hard and expect too much of yourself and him. Everyone gets frustrated with their baby form time to time and they are all grumpy and uncooperative to an extent as toddlers. Not everyoen would ever admit to it though.

Can you try a creche first , maybe at a local gym or adult ed centre. They are Ofsted registered like nurseries and preschools but you can book on a casual basis while you swim, go to a class or exercise or even just have a cup of coffee and read the paper in peace. Then if you feel he is ready look at something on a more regular basis. However if you can also enrol on a regular parent and child activity it will take the pressure off you to be the sole source of entertainment, give you some breathing space and different focus for enjoying your time together which it seems you currently don't really have.

[angel1976]

Hi bumbly,

On today's programme was going to the local mall for the afternoon. Had to feed DS in the thorntons cafe, pretty hilarious I am sure to spectators to have a squirmy 6-month-old with his mum trying to hold and feed him at the same time... Spent the whole afternoon in TK Maxx as he had a mini meltdown (tired but won't sleep in pram, I need to 'train' him to do that or I will never go out!) but settled for a half hour sleep and I didn't dare go outside in case he woke up! Came home, he whinged and whinged so got sent up to bed where I proceeded to let him moan on and off for 20 minutes as he just would not settle as he usually does. He has finally gone off to sleep and PEACE! You really are not the only one to find it hard. I just got an email from work asking if I and when I intend to go back. Have always intended to go back part-time in December so have to seriously think nursery. I am even considering putting him in nursery one day a week while I am still off work to get him used to it and for me to get used to the idea of someone else looking after my PFB!

I think nursery can be very good for them. We love our LOs too much sometimes i.e. I find it hard to leave him to cry or to let him entertain himself etc and deep down, I know it's not bad sometimes to leave him to it. Don't feel like a failure. I know it sounds completely naive but I felt (and still feel) motherhood is so tough, why didn't anyone warn me before I had DS????

I second the local SureStart Children's Centre if money is an issue. My local one has baby/parent drop in sessions every morning and afternoon for free. They even get some finger food at the end of it. DS loves going there to watch the others play and he just tinkers with whatever toys he can reach! I wish you all the best!

Ax

[greenandpleasant]

hi there bumbly .. you sound so down, and tired ... I was really worried to read your comment "he doesn't seem to want me anyway and whenever we are together we are always unhappy both of us." You sound like you could be a little bit depressed tbh? Please don't take that the wrong way, just a suggestion based on your posts.

My ds is 15 months and I know they can be really hard work and hard to keep engaged but they are also full of joy and fun at the tiniest things. He will whinge if you keep him in his chair while you try to get on with chores. Looking at your earlier list, perhaps try a different approach:

my ds comes into the bathroom with me when I go to the loo. gets all the shampoo bottles down and lines them up, chucks them in the bath, happy as larry doing so.

washing up ... he gets under my feet the whole time so I have set aside a cupboard for him with things for him to explore - (new) washing up brush, whisk, colander, jugs etc.

washing machine ... he gets the washing out for me and hands it to me to hang up or put in the drier. yes it takes way longer than if I just got on and did it, but it counts as another activity.

Also agree with posts about green space - can you get out in the morning when they're at their best and most active? Around 9.30-10.30 he should be full of beans and delighted to crawl / stagger / run round any open space. Throw in some swings or a slide and that's another 30 mins minimum, an hour if you walk there slowly and stop to look at stuff. There must be a playground within reach?

hope this helps.

[AlwaysTheMummy]

I'm gonna throw something into the pot as I don't see it mentioned above.

But do you think maybe you are missing adult company/work?

With my ds (1st baby) I had all these ideas about being a sahm, it didn't come to that, we finally managed to get to 11 months old before I caved in and went back to work, he went to nursery, it done us the world of good, he flourished at nursery, developed his social skills and done so much fun stuff and I got my adult company. I worked for a year before I made the decision to give sahm another try, because he was that little bit older and still going to nursery one day a week, we settled into a fantastic routine and I haven't looked back, dd arrived 8 months ago and slotted right in, I went back to work 2 months ago but only work 4 1/2 hours in the early morning and I'm home just after breakfast.

Maybe getting yourself a little part-time job might perk you up a bit xx

[morocco]

you are his darling mummy and of course he adores you, even if he is grumbly and drives you mad at times, like they all do. I'm not saying nursery is the wrong option, but don't feel like he is doing these things on purpose or is miserable with you.

I also wonder if you are feeling a little depressed? you mention giving up a career - it can be really hard to adjust to the whole stay at home thing. a whole new identity really. and no gratitude at all either.

it is a hard slog for the first year or so - the benefits are from 18 month plus (imo) when they are great fun to take out to toddler sessions and do stuff with.

I have been worn down through 3 of them but I remember being more rigid with ds1 and I wonder if something similar is happening with you? If you have a 'plan' for an 'activity' and then things don't work out as you thought they would, it is irritating/annoying/disappointing etc. It's the way you described the splashsuit made me think you had a vision in your head of how it would be and when it turned into a massive strop instead, it upset you? better to go with the flow and enjoy the smiles when they appear rather than try and create a 'happy moment together when we are going to enjoy building blocks' or similar. toddlers like to do things on their own terms or else watch out

what kind of activities are there in your area that you could do with him?

[bumbly]

really appreciate posts which will read now - but now lo is also crying eveytine to dress...so everything i do he doesn't like that we have to do

nappy
get dressed nappy
go to eat food
get dressed for walk
nappy
go to eat food
etc..so all day ends up a huge tantrum as i have to really do all the above

just don't knwo why he doesn't want to do any of these things....

baffled and tired

[nowirehangers]

bumbly
I really feel for you. It is bloody hard and upsetting being a mum to a whiney baby, my dd2 who's 14 months is like that and every day I thank God she is my second (and last) as if she'd been my first I'd never have had a second one and would have not known things will eventually get better.
If you miss work go back to it! I went back to work with both dcs from three months as am self employed. It kept my sanity intact - and dd1 was an easy baby. It doesn't sound like you have a network of baby "friends" and without adult company it is very easy to go spare. Don't feel guilty about going back to work if you think you'll be happier, happy mum equals happy baby. In the meantime try to get out of the house with your ds as much as possible, it's always easier. Kids hate being at home and easily go stir crazy. Good luck

[CuckooChocolateOrange]

My son was like this. He whinged from the second he woke up til the second he fell asleep. He is a lot better now. He's happy now I'd say. He still likes his own way mind you. but don't despair, you aren't doomed to another 17 yrs of a whingey child. He may well change.

[wasabipeanut]

Oh bumbly I do understand. My 11mo throws a monster strop the minute I change or dress him - primarily because he has to keep still for 2 minutes.

I agree with the activities idea. If you have an active lo the last thing you should do is try and stay at home. Hurling themselves around a brightly coloured padded cell is idea Swings, swimming, sandpits etc. all help.

We also put locks on all the cupboards because at least that way we aren't pulling him away from them all the time and he likes standing there opening, closing, opening, closing. I also let him climb the stairs when I am standing behind him to catch him.

I have days when I want to bang my head on the wall but on the whole I enjoy it. This is aided by the fact I work 3 days a week to have a break. I would recommend this thoroughly.