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help help attatchment mama overwhelm :)

(14 Posts)
mamazee Tue 12-Aug-08 16:02:11

sorry this is a bit of a long one....

i have been breastfeeding my ds on demand since he was born . he sleeps with us and is still BF about once every 3 hours at night(sometimes more ) i really need to get some more sleep..i am really tired but don't want to wean him completely. ideally i would like to be feeding him on waking then at night and maybe once or twice during the day if he needs it AND SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT !

it isn't just the feeding ..its the fact that i am the one who has to put him to sleep (i feed him to sleep) and settle him when he wakes. even for naps ..unless he is shattered and we are out and about and he falls alsepp in the sling or partner is struggling watching me getting more and more exhausted and teary. he feels there is nothing he can do to help ...although he can settle him just takes longer and ds cries alot.

on top of all of i went to the dentist as he has eroded front teeth and she told me it is breast feeding him and that his teeth may go BLACK ???

i feel crappy , tired, overwhelmed and i don't know where to turn.

i have read the dr jay gordon article about weaning at night but ds makes SUCH a fuss and cries and cries and i can't bear it.
and i am bizarrely too tired to try (go figure !!)

cannot quite believe i have got myself here...every choice i have made was based on instinct and now i feel trapped and all around me have weaned babies who sleep for 12 bloody hours and have perfect teeth...aaaahhhhhh.
please help anyone...what am i doing wrong ? or have i just lost perspective ?

thanks so much

mamazee Tue 12-Aug-08 16:03:22

have posted this on breatsfeeding tto

my ds is 16 months

AccidentalMum Tue 12-Aug-08 19:46:27

Hi there.

You sound exactly like me with DD1 at 14mths. IMHO I think you can go one of two directions. Either throw yourself into co-sleeping, LLL meetings and SlingMeet groups, surrounding yourself with the support of like minded mums and reduce your expectations of yourself during the day... or choose to perhaps sacrifice some of the ideals of AP and find a middle way works for you both. I see these as equally valid options BTW. Like the Sears say, 'If you resent it change it'. (Easier said than done, I know).

Again IMHO, night weaning and co sleeping do not go together. Gradual withdrawl (Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution?) from co-sleeping will lead to nightweaning, or at least make it possible if it still requires work. DH will need to help. A routine of just the one lunchtime nap and perhaps a feed at a time convenient to you in the evening will give you the confidence to see the nighttime through even if he fusses.

Extremely frequent daytime feeding is my downfall, but my friends who BF to this age tell me that 16mth olds can be taught 'nursing manners'. A LLL meeting is the place to go for help with this.

I have heard from two midwives on another forum (Rumplebums) that it's a myth that BFing causes tooth decay, and you either have tough teeth or you don't.

Hope you've had help on the BFing board too.

charliegal Tue 12-Aug-08 19:55:57

hi mamazee, am in similar position to you with ds 20 months. I agree with accidentalmum and have chosen option one of her 2 options.

madcol Tue 12-Aug-08 20:06:38

How bad are the teeth? Presumably its not he breastfeeding just thebreastfeeding to sleep that's hte problem for the teeth.

FrannyandZooey Tue 12-Aug-08 20:09:03

excellent post AccidentalMum

Tinkjon Tue 12-Aug-08 21:39:59

Regarding black teeth, this is nothing to do with tooth decay anyway - it is caused by a particular bacteria that some children have in their mouths. It is only seen in young children (DD has it) and has nothing to do with dental hygiene - the kids who clean their teeth the most can get it. A similar thing can happen in teens but then the stains can be greenish.

mamazee Tue 12-Aug-08 21:40:58

thank you so much.
i have been feeling a bit of weird AP pressure which i think goes against the philosophy. i think that my confidence is not in place (last night whilst feeding ds to sleep i was thinking about all the things i would change if i had another was mainly about me taking a bit more control)
like the idea of 'nursing manners'..not sure how to go about it.
it was surprising when ds went from soft sweet lil animal suckling to big chunky toddler pawing at my boobs...i somwetimes feel kind of violated...and my dp doesn't like seeing ds pulling at me etc.

Re the teeth . they are quite bad...don't know as i haven't seen any other babies with it...they have very little enamel on and have decayed to half the size. i think its bf'ing married with soft enamel that is the problem.
i need to have a quiet moment and think what the middle way will be for me.

when i think that this time in 2 weeks i may be getting unbroken sleep i become hugely committed !

i found the no cry sleep solution a bit of a nightmare as it was not flexible enough for us as a family and it was like trying to be someone i am not.
thanks again for your fantastic advice.
helps loads to feel that i am not alone.

AccidentalMum Tue 12-Aug-08 21:51:53

Ahhh, flexibilty....we don't have that! We have Unconditional Parenting meets Gina Ford here (but Shhh....don't tell anyone at SlingMeet hehe).
Good luck x

mamazee Tue 12-Aug-08 21:57:01

i keep my mouth shut about the resntment bit at the steiner parent and toddler jeez our kids need authentic mamas more than broken ones !

what are sling meets like ?

AccidentalMum Tue 12-Aug-08 22:05:35

SlingMeets are lovely TBH, lots of crossover with mamas BWing for practicality and parenting ethos reasons. DH is desperate for Steiner education for DDs, but I'm too busy to research!

Continuum Concept inspired parenting is sooo difficult in 2008 I far as I understand, it's about meeting LO's fundamental needs but certainly not their contemprary 'invented' needs (ie. lots of toys, TV, Woolies, Disney, 'quality time'),but the latter are so hard to hide from.

mamazee Tue 12-Aug-08 22:16:45

i totally agree . we moved to a town with a steiner school specifically and it is such a good move. the parent and toddler group is wonderful TBH.
'you are your childs first teacher' is a fab book to read that helped me get clearer about stenier stuff.really nourishing.
it is tough. we have a 10 toy policy and try and go for wooden stuff...i was astounded at the differnce it made just doing that. no idea how or why but it really changed stuff.
there is also an inverted snobbery i think which i totally disagree with.
god it stough this mama thing must find out about sling meets !

TheProvincialLady Tue 12-Aug-08 22:26:11

My DS was the same age as yours when we night weaned him, for exactly the same reasons (well I was worried about his teeth but fortunately he hasn't any problems so far). I had tried various gentle ways for months but they just seemed to prolong the agony, so we went cold turkey. He did cry and I was very unhappy about it, but he was always in my or DH arms and even Dr Sears says that's OK. The first night was difficult, and the second night, but after that he realised that feeding at night was just not an option any more. He still woke almost as often for cuddles (he never has got the idea that if he just rolls 1" to the right I will be therehmm) but after a couple of weeks he was waking a lot less often and we all felt better for it.

I am a LLL, co sleeping AP person but I just couldn't go on forever like some people can. That is ok with me though, I know my limitations and I don't think it has done DS any harm whatsoever. DH and I have always been there for him when he is distressed and always will be.

Hope that is some use to youhmm <stops waffling>

mamazee Wed 13-Aug-08 12:24:57

provincial..i think knowing your limits is crucial
i found this

does anyone know where the area threads are..someone just pointed me to the west country thread but i have no idea where to look.

thanks again

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